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©ijtonicUsi of iJtttftestottin; 




OR, 


THE WORKS 




OF 




JEREMY PETERS. 


FIRST, SERIES. 


CONTAINING 


THE HISTORY OF A DREADFUL CATASTROPHE, THE AMOURS 
OF DU. POST AND MRS. PEWEETLE, AND THE HISTORY 
OF A TATTERDEMALION. _ 



“ A menier man, 

Within thejipits-opieeoming mirth, 
I never.apfem'^hMt's talk' withaJ.’’ 



PHILADELPHIA : 

R. H. SMALL, 165 CHESNUT STREET. 

JESPfiR HARDING, PRINTER. 



1829 




Eastern District of Pennsylvania^ to toil.' 

• ••««••««« be it remembered, That on the thirtieth 

* SEAL * November, in the fifty-third year of the 

J ’ I independence of the United States of America, 

1829 , . 

R. H. Small, 

of the said district, has deposited in this office the title of a 
book, the right whereof he claims as proprietor, in the words 
following, to wit: 

Chronicles of Turkeytown; or, the works of Jeremy Peters* 
First Series. Containkg the History of a Dreadful Catas- 
trophe, the Amours of Dr. Post and Mrs. Peweetle, and the 
History of a Tatterdemalion. 

* A merrier man. 

Within the limits of becoming mirth, 

I never spent an hour’s talk withal.* ” 

Love's Labours Lost. 

In conformity to the Act of the Congress of the United States, 
intituled, “An act for the Encouragement of Learning, by 
securing the copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors 
and proprietors of such copies, during the times therein men- 
tioned” — And also to the act, entitled, “ An act supplementary 
to an act, entitled, “ An act for the encouragement of learning, 
by securing the copies of maps, charts, and books, to the authors 
and proprietors of such copies, during the times therein men- 
tioned,” and extending the benefits thereof to the arts of de- 
signing, engraving, and etching historical and other prints.” 

D. CALDWELL, 

Clerh of the Eastern District of Pennsylvania, 



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CtijtronttUssi of 


BOOK I. 

THE HISTORY OF A DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


Chapter I. 

Containing some Introductory Matters^ and a 
pithy Mdress to the Reader. 

Whoever consults the Gazetteer, will find, or 
ought to find, the description of a village that exists 
in a certain part of the state of New Jersey, and 
which has been long known under the appellation 
of Turkeytown. Some persons, who seem to have 
been more desirous to attract notice by a witty say- 
ing, than to elicit truth, have started an opinion, 
that this name owes its derivation to an old by- 
word, signifying, <^that all the inhabitants were 
as poor as Job’s turkey.” Now, whether Job’s 
turkey was poor or otherwise, or whether he even 
possessed such a bird, is really more than I can in- 
form the reader; but for a refutation of the piece of 
A 


4 


THE HISTORY OF A 


slander above mentioned, I must refer him to a 
pamphlet published some years since by the learned 
Adnojah Peacock, which proves, as plain as the 
nose on my face, that the original name of the vil- 
lage was Tantulug, because it was so very small 
when it was first begun. In process of time, Tan- 
tulus became corrupted to Turtulus, from that to 
Turtulee, and finally to Turkeytown, when the in- 
habitants became satisfied, and determined that the 
name should undergo no further change, but remain 
Turkeytown for ever. These facts I have stated 
for the benefit of future antiquarians; for, as I make 
no question that Turkeytown will hereafter be con- 
sidered one of the most renowned places upon the 
face of this terrestrial globe, so it was to be feared, 
that some thousand years hence, the learned heads 
of the times, might have puzzled themselves for a 
thousand years more, without discovering half so 
much information upon this point, as is contained 
in the few lines above written. This much pre- 
mised, the reader is next to be informed, that, in 
by-gone days, there lived in this same village of 
Turkeytown, a Mr. Jediah Peters, who having, 
when about twenty-five years of age, thought pro- 
per to accommodate himself with a wife, was nine 
months afterwards presented with a son, to whom 
he gave the name of Jeremy. Now it so happened, 
that this Jeremy, when grown up to man’s estate. 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


5 


was much given to reflection, and, in particular, he 
would often sit with his head inclined upon his 
hand for hours together, and contemplate the mu^ 
tability of this sublunary life. How many hundred 
millions of human beings have there been, thought 
he, who seem only to have been created, like the 
vegetables of the fields, to die, rot, and be forgot- 
ten. Of all the countless masses of people, who at 
different times have thronged the world, how few 
are there whose names have survived the engrav- 
ings upon their tombstones. They have existed 
their day; perhaps sported through life like the 
gaudy butterfly, perhaps toiled it out like the hum- 
ble beetle, or the ant; but all alike have sooner or 
later been swept away into oblivion. Such reflec- 
tions as these troubled the mind of Jeremy Peters 
not a little, and at length he began seriously to think 
in what manner he should avoid that black and in- 
satiable gulf, which even the myriads, who have 
already entered, cannot fill. Sometimes he would 
resolve to be a soldier, and by leading forth armies 
to overthrow empires and subdue the world, have 
his name inscribed with those of Alexander and 
Caesar upon the scroll of glory. Sometimes again 
he determined to become a statesman, and enact 
laws, which, like those of Solon and Lycurgus, 
should become the admiration of future ages. Upon 
these and the like projects he was constantly rumi- 


6 


THE HISTORY OF A 


nating; but some how or other, years passed aw'ay, 
and he became too old either to endure the fatigues 
of war, or to thread the intricate mazes of politics. 
He then, as a last resource, resolved to write a book; 
and this project, when he considered it, appeared 
so feasible, that he greatly wondered it had not oc- 
curred to him before. He conceived that, by this 
means, he would not only be enabled to perpetuate 
the remembrance of his own name, but also those 
of his friends; for he had made up his mind, that 
his book should be a complete Turkeytown history, 
in which, although he himself, as of right he ought, 
would take the first place, all his neighbours and 
acquaintances should come in for a reasonable share. 

And now, having completely formed his resolu- 
tion, he determined to lose no further time in the 
execution of his project; and, accordingly, collect- 
ing a quantity of paper, and replenishing his ink- 
stand, he seated himself by a table, and, after 
scratching his head for some time, by way of in- 
voking all the gods and goddesses, who usually 
wait upon the authorcraft, to his assistance, com- 
menced an address to his reader, as follows: 

Gentle Reader — I am aware, that every one who 
is preparing to set forth upon a journey, naturally 
feels some interest in inquiring the character of the 
road he is about to travel, and also, what incidents and 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


7 


entertainment he is likely to meet with by the way. 
Allow me, therefore, to inform you, that the ex- 
cursion we are about to take together is one of 
pleasure; we shall not keep the turnpike, or drive 
straight forward from town to town, like the mail 
coach, but we shall strike out a new road for our- 
selves, having Fancy for our guide, and Good Hu- 
mour for our postilion. We shall not fail to amuse 
ourselves with the eccentricities of those travellers 
we may meet with by the way, but it shall be done 
with all imaginable mirth and pleasantry, particu- 
larly avoiding the example of that ancient poet, 
(Hipponax, I think it was,) who wrote such bitter 
satires, that the persons against whom they were 
directed, are said to have hanged themselves for 
vexation. For my part, I am utterly opposed to 
every species of strangulation, except that, when by 
long continued exercise of the risible organs, the 
Pomum Adami becomes partially obstructed by an 
overflowing tide of merriment; in which manner I 
most cordially wish that you may strangle your- 
self at least three times a day. In short, the 
history which I am about to write, and you to 
read, will be found, if I am not mistaken, of a most 
novel and diverting character. I have not sought 
amongst the tobacconists and groceries for their 
greasy wrappers, nor have I penetrated the bowels 
of the earth in search of mouldy parchments: — the 
A 2 


8 


THE HISTORY OF A 


contents of my book come fresh from the pen of its 
author; and my highest wish is, that long after the 
worms have feasted upon my fingers, the lines they 
are now tracing may continue to afford you instruc- 
tion and amusement 


Chapter II. 

In which the history goes on in good earnest. 
Relating how I was born without any assist- 
ance one stormy night — How I was jjlaced 
under the charge of a most excellent nurse ; 
and how the good effects of her anxious labours 
were unfortunately blighted by my mother ; 
which gives rise to a memorable discussion 
between my father and Doctor Lavender. 

It was during the night of the 21st of June, 
1779, and a tempestuous night it was, too, that I 
was first ushered into this breathing world; or ra- 
ther, I ushered myself into it, for though John Job- 
son had been gone after the doctor for more than an 
hour and a half, he had either lost his way in the 
thunder storm, or he had not found him at home, 
or the doctor was too long in coming; at all events, 
when he did arrive, I had no further occasion for 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


9 


his assistance. When the news was told to my 
father, he said, he was heartily glad, since the doc- 
tor was so dilatory, that I had got the start of him; 
for, continued he, our success in obtaining any of 
the objects we struggle for through life, depends 
greatly upon our decision in seizing upon the par- 
ticular moment adapted by fate to the circumstances 
of it; and he therefore concluded, that my coming 
into the world without waiting for the aid of 
science, augured a quick and lively judgment, 
which would hereafter enable the possessor to think 
and act for himself, without staying for the assist- 
ance of others, when the critical point of time had 
arrived. How far this prediction has been verified, 
will be seen, perhaps, by those who accompany me 
to the conclusion of my labours; but at present it 
must stand for as much as it is worth, whilst I pro- 
ceed to relate the particulars of an event, which, 
though apparently trifling in itself, had nearly 
blighted all my favourable prospects, and created so 
much confusion in my father’s house, that, for the 
time, every thing seemed to be turned topsytur- 
vy. To do this, however, it will be necessary for 
us to turn back a step or two. 

Amidst all the cares and difficulties of a matri- 
monial life, there is no one object more important, 
and which occasions more bustle and stir, than the 
selection of a suitable nurse. There are so many 


10 


THE HISTORY OF A 


different qualities and requisites to be looked to, 
that long before the advent of the expected heir, 
the characters of the different applicants are nicely 
discussed and canvassed in a full divan of all the fe- 
male relations and friends, whose age and expe- 
rience entitle them to a voice on so momentous a 
question. My mother, as I have been informed, 
neglected none of the usual precautions. Three 
several councils were held, and nearly a pound of 
pouchong was consumed before the point could be 
satisfactorily settled. 

They resulted at last, however, in the appoint- 
ment of Mrs. Rebecca Simons, and truly, if my 
mother’s counsellors had continued their sittings to 
this day, they could scarcely have hit upon one 
whose qualities seemed better adapted to the pur- 
pose. As nearly as I can recollect^ the good lady 
was about forty-five years of age. She had blue 
eyes, that looked all mildness and suavity; a nose 
gently turned up at the end, and a mouth that car- 
ried a perpetual smile. Altogether, her face, peep- 
ing out from the borders of a pinched cap, and an 
old fashioned gauze cape, had such a goodly, ma- 
tronlike aspect, that one might have sworn she was 
born to shine in a nursery, and run no risk of be- 
ing ducked for a wizard or a phrenologist. To this 
respectable person, then, I was consigned, and 
through her industry and skill, I was soon rendered 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


11 


neat and pretty looking a baby as need to be 
seen.” Such, at least, was the opinion of all my vi- 
siters, who declared unanimously, that I was vastly 
handsome, and separately, that I was the very image 
of my father, mother, grandfather, and aunt Doro- 
thy. 

My nurse, being naturally proud of having so 
promising an infant under her charge, was resolved, 
from the very outset, that nothing should be omit- 
ted on her part, which could in any way prove es- 
sential to my future welfare. In pursuance of this 
resolution, she adopted a variety of salutary mea- 
sures, and one of the most important, as she con- 
ceived, was to search my head minutely every 
night and morning ; for it was long a practice in the 
neighbourhood of Turkeytown, to keep a vigilant 
look-out for the first traveller which ventured to 
explore the cranial regions of a new-born infant, 
and place him religiously between the leaves of the 
family Bible. This was believed to be wonderfully 
efficacious in preserving the future citizen from 
the wiles of the evil one, and imbuing his or her 
mind with pious principles. In this case, the sa- 
cred animal did not make his appearance until the 
thirty-third day after my birth, and he had proba- 
bly scarce time to turn himself, before he was se- 
cured (for want of a better receptacle) in my nurse’s 
thimble, and carried in triumph to my mother’s 


12 


THE HISTORY OF A 


apartment. Mrs. Peters/^ said she, as the door 
opened, holding the back of a teaspoon tightly over 
the orifice of the thimble, and accompanying her 
words with a smile of sagacity and importance, — 

Mrs. Peters ! pray, where is the big Bible?” 

My nurse, in her haste, did not, at first, perceive 
that there was company in the room with my mo- 
ther, and in despite of the interest she felt, she could 
not help feeling a little abashed, when, upon turn- 
ing round, she beheld the portly figure of Dr. La- 
vender, who was there upon a visit. This latter 
personage was my grand uncle by my mother’s 
sidej he was a good humoured but whimsical old 
gentleman, of a dignified and commanding aspect, 
and always wore his hair powdered, and tied up in 
a long queue. In the course of his practice he had 
found that nurses, and old women in general, very 
often interfered with the regular course of his pre- 
scriptions, and were sometimes troublesome in 
proffering their advice when it was not wanted. 
He had, accordingly, conceived a sovereign con- 
tempt for the opinions of the whole tribe, and as he 
had probably a pretty good idea of the scene which 
was to follow, his countenance assumed a sneering, 
satirical expression, upon the entrance of Mrs. Si- 
mons, which caused the good lady to blush up to 
the very eye-brows. As for my mother, she was 
just in that state when a person is said to be neither 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


13 


sick nor well. The principal symptoms of illness 
consisted in pettishness, and a little shortness of 
temper, both of which were displayed in her an- 
swer, or rather counter interrogation, short as it 
was. 

The big Bible!’’ said she, what in the world, 
Becky, can you want with the big Bible?” 

Mrs. Simons advanced, and partially uncovered 
the thimble, for my mother to look into it; it is 
the first one,” said she, and a big fellow it is, 
too; I can’t conceive where the child could have 
catched it.” 

The light was unfavourable in this position, and 
my mother could not see the bottom; so, whilst the 
nurse was speaking, she took the thimble into her 
own hand, for the purpose of examining its contents 
to better advantage. A single glance, it appeared, 
was sufficient; for an inversion of the fore-finger and 
thumb which held it, immediately followed, and the 
poor louse was at once precipitated into the fire. 

What is all this foolish nonsense about,” said she; 
^^what do you bring the dirty thing here for.” 

My nurse made no answer to this whatever. So 
great was her grief and concern, at beholding all the 
beneficial results of her anxious labours thus wil- 
fully blighted, that she held up both her hands, and 
only exclaiming, ^‘Heaven protect my poor child!” 
ran out of the room in such haste, that she had near- 


14 


THE HISTORY OF A 


ly overturned my father, who was just entering at 
the door. What can be the matter with the silly 
woman ?’’ said my mother to the doctor, when she 
had gone. 

Hum!” said he, with an ironical smile, ‘^you 
are not aware, then, that you have committed a 
most woful piece of sacrilege? The animal you 
have just committed to the flames, as insignificant 
as it seemed, was, in the opinion of the nurse, the 
tutelary genius of your son Jeremy; and it is to 
be feared that all the evils and misfortunes, which 
shall hereafter afflict him through life, will be attri- 
butable to this unlucky act.^^ 

My mother, when the matter was thus explained, 
did not feel quite so well satisfied with the course she 
had adopted. She looked at my father, and after 
stating the case, desired his opinion upon the subject. 

Now, my father, good man, had a very peculiar 
turn of mind; and his assent to any given proposition 
depended upon so many contingencies, which never 
entered any head but his own, that it was extremely 
difflcult to conjecture in what light he might be 
disposed to regard it. When he had once adopted 
an opinion, however, he would twist and stretch 
it, and pile rubbish around it, with an ingenuity 
that Aristotle himself could scarcely have equalled. 
As to common sense, the errand jade was eternally 
thrusting herself in his way, and thwarting some 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


15 


of his favourite projects and theories; so he made it 
a rule to pay as little regard to her as possible. 

When not engaged in these subtilties, he occu- 
pied himself principally in collecting clam shells, 
and fishes’ teeth, dug out of neighbouring marl 
pits, or in some similar pursuits, that might happen 
to be his hobbies for the time: but what is most 
important to our present purpose, he chanced, about 
this period, to be engaged in forming a collection 
of all the popular notions and prejudices he could 
lay hold of; and the first thing he did in this in- 
stance, was to make a note of it in his pocket-book; 
then, having prepared himself by a preliminary 
hem! he answered my mother as follows: ‘‘I 
think, my dear, U is best to conform to popular 
prejudices, at least when we can do so without in- 
convenience to ourselves; and this, not because I 
fear that any misfortune or untoward event would 
be the consequence of our refusal, but because the 
existence, continuation, and prevalence of these 
practices, greatly facilitate the researches of those 
who take an interest in penetrating into the more 
obscure and hidden recesses of human nature. If 
these little prejudices had never existed, or if they 
were forgotten and done away with, the world, 
it is true, might be neither better nor worse off 
than at present, but a great deal of curious and va- 
luable information would infallibly have been lost. 

B 


16 


THE HISTORY OF A 


With respect to the one under our present consi- 
deration, it appears to me to be not only perfectly 
harmless, but really, a very pretty, curious little 
notion; — by the way, I am surprised it never came 
under my notice before. What might have been 
its cause and origin, and whether there is, or is not, 
some moral or historical allusion couched under it, 
I am at present unable to determine; but my opi- 
nion, my dear, is, that it would have been better 
if you had not proceeded quite so hastily/^ 

“ You advocate the continuance of these absurd 
customs, then,^^ said the doctor, ‘‘ merely because 
some persons take a pleasure in collecting and re- 
cording them: all this would be mighty well if they 
were really as harmless as you seem to imagine; 
but such is not the fact, as I have good reason to 
know by my own experience. I cannot enter the 
chamber of a patient, without meeting a thousand 
of them ; and, in fact, the nurses and old women 
are filled with them to such a degree, that I have 
sometimes been almost ready to declare, it would 
be doing a real service to our species to procure 
their banishment entirely, and the employment of 
men only in attendance upon the sick. They might 
prove rough nurses,’’ continued he, addressing my 
mother, but they would at least be manageable. 
I would have them tutoreJ like the loblolly boys 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


17 


on board a man of war, who, when an order is 
given, have no other answer than aye, aye, sir.’^ 

This discourse, whatever effect it had in con- 
vincing my mother of the feasibility of the proposed 
change in the medical department, completely set- 
tled my father in his opinion ; for though he might 
previously have had some doubts, the first symp- 
tom of opposition determined him, at once, to de- 
fend the cause of his prejudices against all assailants. 

The doctor was every whit as fond of an argu- 
ment as my father. He had met him upon many 
a hot field of contention before, and being a plain 
matter of fact man, he frequently threw stumbling- 
blocks in the way of his antagonist, which gave 
him an infinite deal of trouble and perplexity; but 
to do my father justice, he generally managed to 
get round them in one way or another; at least, he 
was never known to give in. On this occasion he 
was particularly well prepared, having just finished 
an elaborate preface to accompany the first volume 
of his collection of prejudices. Both parties, there- 
fore, prepared themselves for the contest, and the 
argument promised to be as memorable as any that 
ever happened in the annals of discussion, for each 
of the combatants had entrenched himself upon fa- 
vourite ground, and was prepared to defend it to 
the very last extremity. 

It is full time, however, we had looked after the 


18 


THE HISTORY OF A 


nurse, who left the room in such agitation, that she 
may by this time have hanged, or drowned herself, 
or committed some such desperate action. 


Chapter III. 

Containing some excellent advice to nurses, which 
is exemplified hy the quarrel and reconciliation 
between Mrs. Simons and Mrs. Pots, and the 
consequences to myself, 

Mr nurse, after leaving my mother’s apartment, 
went immediately — where ? to the orchard — the 
fish pond— the garret window ! — no, no, don’t anti- 
cipate me, if you please — she went immediately 
into the nursery, and after ascertaining that I was 
fast asleep, proceeded from thence into the kitchen, 
to superintend the decoction of a bowl of pap. 

In most families, especially in the case of a first 
child, as it was my luck to be, the nurse is a person 
of considerable importance; holding a kind of mid- 
dle station, between the mistress and the other 
servants. The only one of the latter who ever 
thinks of aspiring to the same level with her, is the 
cook, and she, only within the precincts of her own 
proper dominions, the kitchen. Here, indeed, she 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


19 


may be said to reign predominant, not only over 
all housemaids and scullions, but even over the 
mistress herself, who is only allowed to enter at 
certain limes, and look round upon the proceed- 
ings, by special favour and courtesy. I would, 
therefore, recommend all nurses to cultivate a good 
understanding with the cook, as by that means the 
affairs of the family will certainly go on with much 
greater harmony. Mrs. Simons was very well 
aware of the truth of this maxim, but her mind, un- 
fortunately, was so taken up with her own troubles, 
that she either did not hear or did not understand 
the salutation that was uttered by Mrs. Pots at her 
entrance; whereat, that dignitary felt herself griev- 
ously offended. 

Becky, without speaking to, or probably think- 
ing of any one, set herself about mixing the due 
proportions of arrow-root, milk, and sugar, in a 
saucepan, and then directed it to be set down by 
the fire to boil. 

This was just the opportunity that Mrs. Pots was 
waiting for. The pap can’t be made now, Mrs. 
Simons,” said she, the fire’s full.” “ It will not 
take up much room, Mrs. Pots,” said my nurse, 
a few coals in the corner, or any where.” 

‘^The coals are all wanted for the beef-steaks, 
and you see the corners are both full of pots and 
skillets,” interrupted the cook, shortly; busying 

B 2 


20 


THE HISTORY OF A 


herself at the same time in probing a chicken that 
was boiling for my mother, with a look and action, 
that said as plainly as if she had taken an oath to 
that effect; ‘^you shan’t have a single speck of fire, 
to bless yourself with, Mrs. Simons! that I’m re- 
solved on.” 

Now, many nurses would have taken fire at this, 
and there would have been the very devil to pay, 
directly, but Becky was all kindness and good na- 
ture. Though ignorant in what manner she had 
given offence, she recollected .that ‘a soft word 
turneth away wrath,’ and one fortunately coming 
into her head at this moment, she made use of it. 

Ah! Mrs. Pots,” said she, ‘^if you knew what 
has happened to my poor child, I’m sure you would 
let me boil his pap.” Bless me!” exclaimed the 
cook, withdrawing her fork from the back of the 
chicken, and placing the point upon the ball of her 
thumb. Whether there is any thing in the nature 
of forks, or the manner in which they are made 
use of, that has a sedative effect upon the human 
passions, I am not prepared to say, but it is a fact, 
that the harder Mrs. Pots pressed the points upon 
the ball of her thumb, the less inclination did she 
feel to enter into a quarrel with my nurse. The 
struggle, however, was for a moment nearly equal; 
curiosity joined upon one side, offended dignity 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


21 


upon the other. The affair was settled by a com- 
promise. 

Bless me!’^ said she, “ I would rather the beef 
steaks were burnt to a cinder, than the child should 
come to any harm; but when you come into my 
kitchen, Mrs. Simons, you ought to treat me with 
respect, and not decline to answer when I speak to 
you out of my politeness.’^ 

If I did,” said my nurse, holding up both her 
hands to enforce the asseveration, heaven above 
knows, I did not intend it, Mrs. Pots.” 

‘^Then we are friends again,” said the cook, 
‘‘and now, my dear, tell me what has happened to 
little Jerry; you know how anxious I am to hear 
every thing about him!” 

In this manner the whole business was amicably 
adjusted, and a place cleared for the saucepan with- 
out further difficulty ; but, if the quarrel had lasted 
for a twelvemonth, T verily believe I should have 
been the gainer, and I do not know that I can con- 
clude this chapter more profitably to the reader, 
than by making him acquainted with the reasons. 
Amongst the faculties I evinced when quite young, 
I had one in common with many other children, 
that of crying very often, and very lustily. The 
causes of this I have never been able perfectly to 
investigate; so that, whether it was owing to a 
quantity of straps and bandages, with which they 


22 


THE HISTORY OF A 


thought proper to envelop my abdominal viscera, 
in order to keep every thing in its proper place, 
or to something else, I cannot at present determine, 
but my nurse always concluded it was for want of 
something to eat. 

Poor little Jerry,” she would say, ‘^how hun- 
gry it is!” and instantly my mouth was stopped 
with a spoonful of arrow-root, or tapioca. I must 
have had a glorious appetite in this way, for the 
quantity required to keep my mouth shut, amount- 
ed to about a quart per diem; so that, if I had not 
fortunately possessed another faculty for returning 
it upon her hands nearly as fast as she administered 
it, I should infallibly have been choked to death out 
of sheer kindness. 

Now, the advantage I should have gained by the 
quarrel between my nurse and Mrs. Pots, suppos- 
ing it had lasted a twelvemonth, and the latter had 
held out stoutly during all that time, and allowed 
no pap to come near the fire, is simply this; I should 
have been spared the trouble of pumping up about 
ninety-one gallons and some odd pints in the 
course of that period. 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


2S 


Chapter IV. 

How Mrs. Pots went into a brown study, and 
by that means found a remedy for the evils 
with which I was threatened, in the very nick 
of time. 

It is curious to observe the different effects which 
an account of the same thing will have upon differ- 
ent persons ; and there is no better example upon 
record than this very affair, which my nurse has 
just been recounting to Mrs. Pots. When my fa- 
ther heard it, he noted it down in his pocket-book ; 
when I heard it myself, I scratched my head j when 
the reader hears it, I cannot tell what he may do ; 
but when Mrs. Pots heard it, she immediately set 
herself down by the chimney corner, and went into 
a brown study. 

Mrs. Simons took this opportunity to stir up the 
pap, which done, and finding Mrs. Pots still ab- 
sorbed in her reverie, she drew up a rush-bottomed 
chair, and sat down beside her. 

Now, I will venture to say, there is no place un- 
der heaven so favourable for contemplation as a 
kitchen fire-side; the gentle simmering of the pots, 
the hissing of the beef-steaks, the sputtering of the 
tea-kettle, and especially, madam, if you have a 


24 


THE HISTORY OF A 


spare scullion to scrub an accompaniment on a cop- 
per-kettle, there is nothing like it in nature. The 
purling rills, the gushing fountains, the quivering 
leaves, which some lass-lorn swains will talk to you 
about, are no more to be compared to it, than a 
rusty nail to a gridiron. 

The best chapter in this whole book, (I leave the 
reader to exercise his judgment in guessing which 
it is) I wrote with one foot on the mantel-piece, and 
the other on the andiron, whilst Jenny Jobson was 
roasting clams on the fore-stick. 

At length Mrs. Pots slowly raised her head from 
her hand. It was unlucky,’^ said she. 

^^It was very unlucky,’^ replied my nurse. 

But not so bad as if it had been cracked,^^ said 
Mrs. Pots. 

‘‘ I hope, indeed, it was not,” said my nurse. 

‘‘ Was it all burned up?” said Mrs. Pots. 

‘‘ It was all burned to a cinder,” replied my 
nurse. 

“ That was bad — but for all that’s come and gone, 
I think there might be sometliing done yet,” said 
Mrs. Pots. 

“ I wish to gracious there might,” said my nurse. 

‘‘There can, I’m sure there can, Mrs. Simons,” 
said the cook, with a smile of encouragement; “ we 
must go to the parson, my dear.” 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


25 


Do you think he can do any thing for the 
child said my nurse. 

“ Do I think! I know he can,” said Mrs. Pots, 
who was a zealous member of the episcopal church; 
^‘for Mr. Say well is a dear good man; and it was 
only last Sunday that he was preaching — I forget 
the text now, but I mind it was somewhere in Job; 
and he said, that when poor sinners w’ere in trouble 
they should come unto him, and that we should 
turn away our thoughts, and not mind earthly 
things, but look to heavenly things; and so, Mrs. 
Simons, you must watch for the next that comes, 
and when you have catched it, we will get Mr. 
Saywell to fix it himself, and that between the Old 
and New Testament.” 

Well, if you think so,” said my nurse, I am 
sure I am willing to do every thing in my power 
for the poor child, and as soon as I can find ano- 
ther” — 

I dare say you will find another before long,” 
interrupted the cook. 

I dare say I shall,” said my nurse, “ and, at 
any rate, I am very much obliged to you for your 
advice, Mrs. Pots, for I feel my heart a pound light- 
er already. ” 

This arrangement between Mrs. Simons and 
Mrs. Pots, was concluded in the very nick of 
time ; for the last words were scarcely uttered by 


26 


THE HISTORY OF A 


my nurse, when I awoke, and setting up my pipes, 
obliged her to snatch up the saucepan and hasten to 
the nursery. As soon as she had succeeded in al- 
laying my appetite with a teacup full of pap, she 
immediately took off my cap, and renewed her in- 
vestigations upon my cranium. 

Observe, now, upon what singular and capricious 
chances, the fate and fortunes of people in this 
world depend. 

My nurse began her researches just over the 
protuberance of the occipital bone, and had scarce- 
ly proceeded an inch, before she discovered another 
settler, in nearly as good condition as the first. It 
is clear, therefore, that if I had waked a moment 
sooner, or if the argument between my nurse and 
Mrs. Pots had been protracted a moment later, he 
would have been cracked without mercy, and I 
should have been turned over to my unlucky stars 
for the rest of my days without hope of redemption. 
As matters stood, my nurse instantly emptied her 
little horn snuff-box, and putting the captive into 
it, tied bn the lid with a piece of red tape, to pre- 
vent the possibility of an accident. She then laid 
the whole carefully by in her chest, until suitable 
preparations could be made to conduct him to the 
parson’s. 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


27 


Chapter V. 

In which the reader is introduced to the learned 
Doctor Posty the most renowned character who 
ever appeared in Turkey town. 

It would certainly be one of the most useful dis- 
coveries in the art of book-making, if a method 
could be invented of telling a story without going 
backwards and forwards, so frequently as we are 
generally obliged to do. Or, to express my mean- 
ing more explicitly, I might say, if a method could 
be^devised to keep all the dramatis personae in a 
flock ; for I am sure that no author ever yet came 
to the end of a book, without being monstrously 
vexed and perplexed at the difficulties which every 
now and then have presented themselves in the 
management of his different characters. A vulgar 
comparison is, perhaps, inconsistent with the nar- 
ration of so grave and learned a history as the pre- 
sent, but I cannot refrain from observing, that it is 
exactly like driving a drove of stubborn pigs to 
market ; except, indeed, that it is not quite so pro- 
fitable. Whilst you are wearing out your legs and 
lungs, in endeavouring to urge one of them onwards, 
a dozen will loiter in the fence corners, and remain 
c 


28 


THE HISTORY OF A 


there with the most provoking composure until you 
are at leisure to run back, and w^hip them along also. 

I have made these observations thus early, be- 
cause I can easily perceive that they will be fre- 
quently exemplified in the prosecution of my 
labours. But there is one consolation, which I most 
faithfully promise to myself and my readers, and 
it is, that though our journey may belong and vex- 
atious, when we do come to the end, it shall be like 
the closing scene of a comedy; all our friends and 
acquaintances shall be brought together, and have 
one of the* jolliest merrymakings that ever was 
known in this land of liberty; and before the cur- 
tain drops, they shall make their best bows to the 
spectators, and thank them most heartily for all 
the favours they have been so condescending as to 
bestow. And now, let us proceed, in a strain of 
sublimity suitable to the importance of the charac- 
ter who is about to appear upon the stage. . 

It was near the close of this momentous day, and 
bright beaming Phoebus was about to unharness his 
golden steeds, and to seek his nocturnal repose be- 
hind the western hills, when the gates of night had 
veiled his refulgent face; his yellow hair was still 
however streaming up the blue vault of heaven, 
when a person, mounted upon a black mare with two 
white feet and a long switch tail, was riding up the 
lane toward my father’s house. It might have 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


29 


been seen through the dusk, that he carried a small 
steeple crowned hat, attached to the back part of 
his head, the rim being nearly concealed in a pro- 
fusion of long black hair, which emerged from un- 
der it at every side. He was a short, square built, 
middle aged man, dressed in a reputable suit of 
snufF-coloured cloth, who carried behind him a pair 
of large and well stuffed saddle-bags, by which 
symptom alone any child in the village could have 
informed us, that the personage in question was no 
other than Mr. Stubbs, a most remarkable man in 
his day, and better known by the name and title of 
Dr. Post. This latter appellative is said to have 
been invented by his learned friend, Mr. Peacock, 
for the reason, that in their practice, doctor Laven- 
der was in the habit of managing the front, and his 
coadjutor the back door, which arrangement was 
found to be of very great advantage, for, in conse- 
quence of it, old death, that terrible enemy of the 
human race, met with rougher handling in the 
neighbourhood of Turkeytown, than in any other 
part of the known world. No sooner, indeed, would 
he attempt to lay so much as the weight of his 
finger upon one of the natives, than he was attack- 
ed with such fury both in front and rear, that he 
was commonly obliged to abandon his prey, and 
betake himself to other quarters. By the by, gentle 
reader, as the worthy doctor will hereafter be one 


30 


THE HISTORY OF A 


of our most intimate, and, as I trust, most amusing 
acquaintances, it may not be amiss in this place to 
give some preliminary account of his birth and 
breeding. 

He was the only son of Jonathan Stubbs, who 
followed the blacksmithing trade, in a village at no 
great distance from Turkeytown, and was reputed 
to be an excellent workman, although some accused 
him of being rather too much addicted to the drink- 
ing of apple-toddy. Jonathan, however, positively 
declared that he took no more than was tiecessary to 
keep the colic out of his stomach, and, at all events, 
he throve well in the world, and manufactured ex- 
cellent plough coulters, axes, hatchets, horse-shoes, 
and a variety of other nicknacks, greatly in de- 
mand in these parts; but, in the whole course of his 
labours, he never hammered out a more useless 
piece of mechanism than his son Levi promised to 
be. 

The youth was at first destined to follow his fa- 
ther’s trade, and he grew up so stout and brawny, 
that every one supposed he would make the stur- 
diest fellow with a sledge hammer in the whole 
country, But the most promising appearances are 
often fallacious; and so it happened in this case; for 
though his bodily qualifications might have answer- 
ed extremely well, he evinced a most decided dis- 
inclination to apply them to any such vocation. 
His strongest passion was for the working of pop- 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


31 


guns with a quill and potato, and curious whirligig 
machines, with the shell of a horse-chesnut. It was 
he who first discovered the art of making elder 
squirts, by extracting the pith, and, to the great 
astonishment of his mother, he actually succeeded 
in ejecting water with that implement to the dis- 
tance of ten or fifteen feet. 

The good woman was firmly impressed with an 
opinion that her son was born a genius, and thought 
it a pity that such fine talents should not be encour- 
aged; but Jonathan declared he never saw any 
signs of sense in the boy, save and excepting his 
inclination for heating iron and dipping it into cold 
water, to ascertain how long it would continue to 
hiss. The old man, it is true, could not exactly 
see into the utility of the experiment, but as it was 
the only operation in smithery the youngster 
could by any means be persuaded to undertake, he 
encouraged it, in the hope that it would gradually 
lure him into a liking for the shop. 

In the meantime young Levi was left pretty 
much to the direction of his mother; and under her 
auspices he pursued his studies at the village school, 
until he had acquired so much learning, that Debo- 
rah declared it would be a sin and a shame to make 
him a blacksmith, when the country was so much 
in want of lawyers and doctors. For her own part, 
she would have preferred the former profession, 
c 2 


^2 


THE HISTORY OF A 


but then it was necessarily attended with consider- 
able expense; whilst he could easily be made ap- 
prentice to an apothecary, and, after handling the 
pestle for three or four years, it would be a poor 
story enough if he did not come out as good a doc- 
tor as the best of them. A doctor, then, she resolved 
he should be, and, notwithstanding a good deal of 
demurring on the part of her helpmate, the scheme 
was finally carried into efiect. 

But the young practitioner, after the expiration 
of his apprenticeship, did not by any means meet 
with the success his sanguine parents had anticipat- 
ed. He soon pounded up the blacksmith-shop which 
descended to him after Jonathan’s death, in fulmi- 
nating powders, and other philosophical prepara- 
tions of little profit; and being now in actual want, 
he gladly embraced a proposal of doctor Lavender, 
whose practice was extensive and laborious, to serve 
him in the quality of an assistant. In this sphere 
he soon proved himself an adept; he could make 
pills and julaps, bleed, blister, and administer an 
enema with great dexterity, so that in a little time 
he rendered himself so useful, my uncle would have 
found it a difficult thing to get along without him. 
Upon his skill in the last named operation, he par- 
ticularly prided himself, and, in fact, it was gene- 
rally said he performed it with a grace and celerity 
almost inimitable. 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


33 


We have only one thing more to remark of him 
at present, which is, that though his talents were 
certainly none of the brightest, he possessed an in- 
exhaustible fund of good humour, and was a great 
favourite with my father; an advantage which was 
most probably bought by the admiration and sup- 
port he was at all times ready to yield to any doc- 
trine which the latter thought fit to promulgate. 

Such, then, gentle reader, was the personage, 
who sometime after sunset hitched his horse to the 
garden pales, and taking his saddle-bags on his arm, 
proceeded to the room where my father has been 
for the last half hour warmly engaged in the defence 
of his prejudices. 

Chapter VI. 

In which is continued the sublime discussion be- 
tween my father and doctor Lavender; and 
how it was unfortunately interrupted by Su- 
san, the chambermaid. 

When doctor Post entered the room, my father 
was standing with one hand resting upon a pile of 
books, which lay upon the table, and the forefinger 
of the other placed against the side of his nose. 


34 


THE HISTORY OF A 


His face was turned towards the door with an in- 
quiring look, which changed as he motioned the 
new comer to a seat; then, addressing the doctor, 
he continued as follows. 

Yes, sir, one thousand two hundred and forty 
four reverences, according to the account of Alban 
Butler, did St. Simeon make in one day. Now 
what; in the name of common sen^e, could have in- 
duced the holy man to exercise himself in such a 
manner? Would he have done so had there been 
no more meaning or signification attached to a 
bow, than the mere mechanical gesticulation? Is 
it not infinitely more probable that St. Simeon 
bowed, because a bow was considered symbolical 
of respect and homage? And what could have 
rendered a bow more symptomatic of respect than 
any other motion, as a shake of the head or of the 
foot, but a long continuance and prevalence of the 
custom of so considering it? Then, again, we have 
a notable example in the sacred records, where 
Joshua, after crossing the river Jordan, caused his 
whole army, to the number of forty thousand, to 
be circumcised, before he advanced to the siege of 
Jericho.’^ 

But what has all this to do with the old women?’’ 
said the doctor. 

‘‘The old women!” said my father. 

“Aye, the old women,” rejoined the doctor. 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


35 


“ But we were speaking of the louse/’ said my 
father. 

Of its circumcision?” returned his opponent, 
with a smile of triumph. 

‘^No, certainly not,” said my father, “I mention 
these circumstances as an exemplification of the 
great antiquity of many customs, and of the vene- 
ration in which they always have been held.” 

It has no more to do with the question than 
the man in the moon,” cried the doctor. 

‘^It is remote from the subject, I grant you,” 
replied my father, ^‘but whatthenj in considering 
the external form, shape, or colour, of an object, 
would you reject the light of the sun, because it is 
transmitted from a distance of ninety millions of 
miles? On the contrary, if that luminary could be 
moved nearer to the eye, the effect would be to 
dazzle and confound it. Therefore, judging by 
analogy and comparison, as we must do, of every 
thing in this sublunary world, the testimony of Jo- 
shua and St. Simeon are to be preferred for the very 
reasons which you object to them. I consider the 
human mind as a kind of lens, in which the rays of 
light coming from every quarter, no matter how 
distant, are, or ought to be, converged and thrown 
in a focus upon the subject to be considered. By 
this means, if there be light enough, we shall infal- 
libly elicit truth; in the same manner as the com* 


36 


THE HISTORY OF A 


mon lens, when the sun shines, will communicate 
fire to a combustible substance.’^ 

Why this is equal to your old theory of excite- 
ment,” exclaimed the doctor; ^^no doubt your lens 
would be more powerful than that of Archimedes, 
if you could but invent some method to manage it. 
But now I think of it, pray tell me, what was the 
result of that grand scheme of yours — how many 
converts, did you make to the new system of plea- 
sure?” 

This was a hit at one of the hypotheses of my 
father, by which he attempted to prove, thakpain 
being but an increase of the same sensations that 
produced pleasure, must in reality be the same 
thing. He had, some time since, however, turned 
this over to doctor Post, whose head, in fact, served 
my father as a kind of spare storehouse, receiving 
and retaining many of his odd whims and notions, 
long after he had forgotten them himself. The lat- 
ter perceiving my father put to a stand by his ab- 
rupt question, took it upon him to make answer as 
follows. 

Craving your leave, gentlemen,” said he, 
would observe, that it appears to me altogether in- 
explicable, in a world where the principal business 
and occupation of our lives, consists in the search 
after happiness and pleasure, and where that object 
is attended with so much difficulty, that not one in 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 37 

ten are found to be successful; I say, it appears al- 
together inexplicable that the public should reject a 
plan which must certainly remove every obstruc- 
tion, and make every accident and circumstance in 
life conducive to that desirable end. Did not the 
glorious Anaxarchus, when pounded^in a mortar by 
command of the barbarous king of Cyprus, cry out, 

^ pound as long as thou wilt upon the body of An- 
axarchus, himself thou canst not hurt!’ ” 

•At this moment a most violent explosion in the 
entry arrested the attention of the whole party. It 
was followed by another, and another, each louder 
than the first, and presently the door, ■which was 
ajar, flew open, and Susan, the chambermaid, stag- 
gered into the room. 

What is the matter?” said my father. The same 
question was repeated by every one present. 

The chambermaid raised her head to reply, but 
her face instantly became black, the corners of her 
mouth were drawn up convulsively, her eyelids 
closed, and her alas nasi became dilated — and, then 
down went her head again with the force of a sledge 
hammer. As her head went down, her hands very 
naturally flew up, and one of them letting loose a 
towel which it contained, the latter was directed by 
chance (who I believe likes to meddle in all kinds of 
mischief) immediately into the face of doctor Post. 

Zooks,” cried ^he doctor, springing up with such 


38 


THE HISTORY OF A 


unphilosophical haste, that he overturned the tea- 
table with all its appurtenances. 

The apartment was at once in a state of utter con- 
fusion. My mother screamed— my father roared 
for a basin of water— doctor Lavender recommend- 
ed patience — and doctor Post and the chambermaid 
sneezed a duetto. 

To explain this unfortunate interruption we must 
go back a little. When my nurse emptied her 
little horn snuffbox, which you will recollect she 
did to make room for the louse, she, like a careful 
woman, instead of throwing away the contents, de- 
posited them in the corner of a towel, which she left 
laying upon a chair. The chambermaid, in the 
course of her peregrinations, sometime after, ob- 
served this towel, and thinking it required wash- 
ing, was conveying it to the kitchen for that pur- 
pose, when she found the passage obstructed by the 
sound of voices issuing through the partly open 
door of the apartment. Being, of course, under the 
necessity of stopping, she felt laudably anxious that 
the interesting conversation within should not be 
interrupted by any noise on her part, not even by 
the sound of her breath; but in applying the towel 
to her mouth, for the purpose of stifling it, she un- 
luckily brought her nose into contact with the hid- 
den deposit, which instantly operated with such 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


39 


violence thaC she was forced involuntarily into the 
room. 

At the complication of noises produced by this 
accident, the whole household came tumbling up 
stairs with great precipitation, but not one of the 
members thereof had thought proper to obey my 
father’s orders for a basin of water. 

Water! water! water!’’ roared my father, 
bring a basin of water.” 

“Run, Jenny, for your life,” cried my mother. 

“And do you hear! put a little milk into it,” 
said the doctor. 

“Make it mHk-warm,” cried my nurse. 

^‘You will find some hot water in the copper 
kettle,” said the cook. 

Jenny Jobson, a strapping kitchen wench, thus 
objurgated on all sides, ran, or rather tumbled down 
stairs again, in such haste, that, ere she arrived at 
the bottom, she had shaken her directions into such 
confusion, that it was necessary to stop and consi- 
der what was to be done. She scratched her head 
for sometime to recall the scattered ideas, but it 
was in vainj she only remembered the last words 
of the cook, ‘hot water in the copper kettle;’ so, 
catching up a basin, she filled it from that vessel, 
and immediately ran back to present it. 

She did not present it, however, but, luckily, 

D 


40 


THE HISTORY OF A 


perhaps, for our pill-maker, was interrupted on her 
passage. 


Chapter VIL 

Containing some profound reflections hy the 
author^ together with lawyer Littlecoke’s ad- 
ventures in a dark entry. 

There has an observation just come into my 
head, which I will transfer into tliis chapter, if it 
is only for the honour of Turkeytown. Which is, 
that whilst chance, or fate, or fortune, or whatever 
you may choose to call the power which holds the 
management of our destinies, is driving the whole 
human family, higgledy-piggledy, along the road of 
time, there is scarcely a family or group in the 
whole drove, that is not so much engaged in scram- 
bling over the impediments in their own route, as 
entirely to forget that all the world is scrambling 
along in the same manner; and, therefore, if any 
of their neighbours happen to stumble against them, 
they are as much astonished as if such an event was 
not the very thing they ought to have expected. If 
I should part with my chum at Princeton, and after 
the lapse of a few years, meet with him again upon 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


41 


the coast of Africa, neither of us would be much sur- 
prised at being in that distant region, but each 
would be greatly so to find his companion there. 
We easily become naturalized to almost any novel- 
ties, that present themselves in our path through 
life, for they are linked together in a gradual and 
progressive chain, and each successive step pre- 
pares us for that which is to follow; but our atten- 
tion is directed to the concerns of other people, 
only at different and distant intervals, and we are, 
consequently, greatly astonished at many of their 
accidents and changes. Mr. Littlecoke had, there- 
fore, no great reason to wonder, even if a riot had 
actually broken out, for my father was as choleric 
in his temperament as the common run of people, 
and such a thing might have happened in his house 
as well as another. 

But, the fact was, Mr. Littlecoke was the only 
lawyer in all Turkey town; and this was the circum- 
stance which led me into the above profound ob- 
servations, for if he had had half a dozen competi- 
tors, I should not have troubled my head to account 
for it. 

For some things, however, there is no account- 
ing, and, if the reader finds it difficult to account 
for any of my nonsense, 1 beg him to charge it to 
the arch fiend at pnce, for I hold with the arch- 


42 


THE HISTORY OF A 


bishop of Benevento,* that the process of writing a 
book is one continued struggle between the author 
and the devil, who is eternally whispering in your 
ear some odd notion or other of his own; and, as 
we have not quite so much time to bestow upon our 
sentences as his grace had upon his, there is no tell- 
ing but that some of these suggestions may slip in 
without our knowledge. We must proceed at a 
venture. 

The noise had no sooner commenced in my mo- 
ther’s apartment, than Mr. Littlecoke’s hand was 
upon the latch of the front door. After knocking once 
or twice, and finding no one answered his summons, 
he determined to waive ceremony, and make the 
best of his way alone, for the noise increased every 
instant, and, in his opinion, indicated an assault and 
battery at the very least. His design, however, 
of making his way to the scene of contention, was 
not so easily to be executed, as he at first imagined, 
for my father’s house had been built after a model 
invented by himself, and was as full of complicated 
and curious contrivances as can well be conceived. 

If Mr. Littlecoke had taken the left hand stair- 
case, he would probably have found no difficulty; 
but, as fate would have it, he took the right, and 
after proceeding up one flight of steps, and down 


* John De La Casse, author of the Galatea. 


BREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


43 


another, and twisting about through divers cham- 
bers, without meeting a soul, he found himself 
completely bewildered. There was but one pas- 
sage that promised to extricate him, and that was 
extremely dark, but, after some little hesitation, he 
resolved to make trial of it. He thought it pru- 
dent, however, to go down upon his knees, in or- 
der to guard against any precipitate descent, a 
precaution which my father’s method of building 
houses, rendered by no means superfluous. 

Still, Mr. Littlecoke considered it adviseable to 
proceed with great deliberation; moving, first, one 
hand cautiously forward, then one knee, then the 
other hand, and then the other knee, keeping his 
head elevated at an angle of about forty degrees, 
and one ear a little inclined upwards, in order to 
catch the least sound that might be stirring. He, 
at first, heard only that which proceeded from my 
mother’s chamber, but, by the time he had made 
three or four progressive movements of this nature, 
a noise soon became audible at the other end of the 
passage: and such a noise, too, that he could not for 
his soul conceive what it might be. There was a 
sort of rustling and rushing, and it approached so 
rapidly, that in a moment it was within two yards 
of him. 

<^Ha! I! 0!” said Mr. Littlecoke— he had no 
time to say more, for at that very instant a pair of 

D 2 


44 


THE HISTORY OF A 


feet came into contact with his abdominal muscles^ 
so forcibly, that, as he himself declared, every 
breath of air was driven out of his body. This, as 
a medical gentleman afterwards explained to me, 
was very possible, for a compression of the exter- 
nal and internal oblique muscles, forces up the liver, 
stomach, and other viscera, which in turn elevate 
the diaphragm, which presses upon the small air 
cells of the lungs, and forces the wind upwards 
through the bronchia into the trachea, and from 
thence through the rhyma glotidis into the mouth 
and nostrils. 

But, if Mr. Littlecoke found himself deprived of 
utterance, the case was different with Jenny Job- 
son, who lay extended at full length a few yards 
beyond him. Jenny would not have minded the 
fall a pin, for she had escaped the hot water by a 
kind of miracle — but as soon as she found herself 
prostrated on the floor, she began to reflect upon 
the cause' and nature of the accident. Though not 
in general much given to contemplation, her ideas 
upon this occasion went and came with wonderful 
rapidity. It was perfectly evident to her, that she 
had fallen over something, and she was under the 
impression that that something was a man; but then 
it might be either a living man, or a dead man, or the 
ghost of a man; and in any one of these cases there 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


45 


was, in Jenny’s opinion, sufficient cause for crying 
murder! 

Whilst Jenny Jobson was revolving these things 
in her mind, the lawyer’s head was at work also, 
and, what is curious, formed a very similar kind of 
syllogism. It was evident that he had been kick- 
ed, and that somebody had kicked him, but who it 
was, was not quite so plain. He, however, came to 
the conclusion that the noise would soon bring the 
family to the spot, and that his situation, to say the 
least of it, was sufficiently ridiculous. 

Now ridicule, as Mr. Littlecoke well knew, is, 
of all things, the most fatal to the character of a 
professional man — to be caught lying in a dark en- 
try with a female, and she crying murder! what 
constructions might not evil disposed persons put 
upon the thing. And the woman, too, if she should 
take it into her head to swear a rape against him, 
and he had known it done upon slighter grounds, 
how would it be possible for him to prove his in- 
nocence? He would be cast, degraded, and fined. 

When Mr. Littlecoke had got thus far with his 
thoughts, he turned himself about, on his hands and 
knees, and began to crawl back again. 


THE HISTORY OF A 


4d 


Chapter VIII. 

How my father proceeded to the relief of Jenny 

Jobson — and the conclusions which were form* 

ed by all parties respecting these accidents. 

To those who are fond of contemplating the 
workings of nature, in her master-piece, man, there 
are few circumstances so trivial, as to be utterly 
unworthy of observation. Some wise men can dis- 
cover the characters of their neighbours by the 
bumps on their skulls, and some wise women can 
foretell the weather by the spots on a goose’s breast 
bone, but, for my part, I have neither knowledge 
nor belief in these arts; I am, indeed, of opinion, 
that if those who have an opportunity of being near 
extraordinary men, would furnish us with an accu- 
rate account of their manner of sneezing, it would 
be of infinitely more service, than a description of 
their cranial protuberances. The mind will de- 
velop itself in action, and it is probably from this 
cause, that people difier so much in the method 
with which they go through the operation. Some 
sneeze impatiently, some sullenly, and some laugh- 
ably, but doctor Post sneezed philosophically. Af- 
ter the first shock, it was, in truth, a pleasure to see 
him. There was no casting of his arms this way, 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 47 

and his legs that, but every member moved in har- 
mony and concert, until, at length, he found leisure 
to wipe the snuflf from his face, and was about to 
thank Susan for the comfort he had enjoyed, when 
the crash, caused by the overthrow of Jenny Job- 
son in the entry, directed the attention of the com- 
pany to a new subject. 

^^What in the name of heaven! can be the mat- 
ter now?’^ cried my father. really think the 
whole family has gone mad. Some of you go and 
see what ails the wench.’^ 

She has broken the basin,’^ said my mother, 
hope to God, she has broken her head, too,” 
said my father. Aye, there it is— ^murder, mur- 
der.’” 

In fact, the cries of Jenny now bid fair to alarm 
the whole neighbourhood, and it was necessary 
for my father to proceed to the investigation of 
the cause himself, for the nurse, cook, and cham- 
bermaid, one and all, declined going upon any 
such expedition. On the contrary, they huddled 
round my mother, and soon communicated their 
alarm to her. 

Do not go, Jediah,” said she, as my father laid 
his hand upon the candlestick, ‘^for heaven’s sake, 
do not go; it may be a housebreaker, with an axe 
or a long knife — you must not go.” 

^^Pooh!” said my father, ^^what is to be done, 


48 


THE HISTORY OF A 


then, if it is a housebreaker, with an axe or a long 
knife; is he to stay in the entry all night?’^ 

Open the window, and call for John Jobson to 
bring his gun,’^ said my mother. 

Women are said to be very fruitful in expedients, 
and, certainly, it would appear so, for if there had 
been ever so much danger, my father might have 
epgitated a long time without hitting upon so good 
a plan. It would have outflanked the enemy com- 
pletely; who, thus having John Jobson, with his 
long duck gun, in the rear, and a strong garrison in 
front, must have been as brave as Julius Csesar, if 
he could have stood it. 

My father, however, upon the present occasion 
did not consider it necessary to call in foreign as- 
sistance; but when my mother found that he was 
determined upon the adventure, and that both the 
gentlemen were about to accompany him, another 
difficulty arose. She was not well enough to ac- 
company the party, and had no inclination to re- 
main in garrison by herself; neither would she pei- 
mit my father to weaken his detachment, unless 
the cook and chambermaid could be prevailed upon 
to go forward in the place of doctor Post, who, in 
that case, was to be left behind as guard. This 
composition was not thought feasible, either by 
Susan or Mrs. Pots, so that, if my father had not 
broken up the council, by telling them they were 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


49 


all a parcel of fools, poor Jenny Jobson might have 
been murdered and ravished by the housebreaker 
before apian could have been determined on for her 
relief. Close beside the door, he found the relics 
of the broken basin, and at a little distance beyond 
it lay the distressed damsel, who, finding her first 
cries unattended to, had now become perfectly quiet, 
only taking the precaution to envelop her head 
closely in the folds of her apron. The house- 
breaker was not visible, for fie had somehow or 
other found much less difficulty in getting out than 
in getting in, and was at this very moment making 
the best of his way towards the Turkey tavern. 

Jenny Jobson, however, was not aware of this 
fact, and, consequently, when my father laid his 
hand upon her arm, she very naturally concluded 
that the ghost, or the man, or whatever it was, had 
actually come to close quarters. In this extremity, 
the best resource that presented itself to her mind, 
/as to ery ^ murder’ again, which she did with such 
Ject, that the little patience my father still pos- 
sessed, was put to flight in an instant. 

^^Be quiet,” said he, shaking her arm pretty 
roughly. 

am a poor sinner,” simpered Jenny. 

You are a poor fool,” said my father, ^^get up 
and go about your business.” He enforced these 
words by dragging the apron from her eyesj upon 


50 


THE HISTORY OT A 


which, Jenny, perceiving it was only her master, 
took heart of grace in a moment. 

the basin’s broke,” said she, beginning to 
gather up the fragments, can’t help it. I can 
carry a basin as well as another woman, but if the 
house is haunted, the worse for them that live in it, 
that’s all I can say!” 

It is probable that Jenny, notwithstanding her 
assertion to the contrary, would have contrived to 
say a good deal more upon the subject, had not my 
father prevented it by fairly kicking her down 
stairs. 

I think the deuce is amongst the women,” said 
my father, upon his return; “was ever such car- 
ryings on known in a quiet family?” 

“ They are all owing to these foolish prejudices,” 
said the doctor. 

“If you could prove that,” said my father, 
alarmed for the fate of his theory. 

“in could prove it!” said the doctor, “I can 
prove it, and that in a dozen words. If the silly 
nurse had not emptied her snuff box to make room 
for the louse, its contents would not have been 
thrown into the face of Mr. Stubbs; if it had not 
been thrown in his face, the kitchen wench would 
not have been sent after the water, and, of course, 
would not have tumbled on the ghost in the entry.” 

As the doctor uttered these words with an air of 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


51 


triumph, he took up his hat to depart, which was 
treating my father rather unfairly, for, though cir- 
cumstances had run strongly against him, he was not 
cast down for all that; on the contrary, if he had 
only been allowed sufficient time, I am confident, 
he would have stood his ground most manfully. 

A conclave which was held the same night in my 
nurse’s chamber, came to a conclusion somewhat 
different. After a careful investigation of the cir- 
cumstances, it was decided, nem. con., that all this 
train of accidents was owing, and of right ought to 
be attributed, to the unlucky catastrophe of the first 
louse; for,” said Mrs. Pots, if the poor creature 
had not been thrown in the fire, the other would’nt 
have been catched, or, if it had been catched, it 
would have been cracked, and there would have been 
the end on’t.” It furthermore appeared to them 
highly probable, that the ghost which overthrew 
Jenny Jobson in the entry, was either the ghost of 
the said louse, greatly augmented in size, or other- 
wise it was some other ghost, suborned and station- 
ed there, by the power and machinations of the 
said ghost of the louse. 

It was also settled and agreed upon, that unless 
something could be done to remedy the evil, there 
would be no end to these mistakes and accidents; in 
short, that the house would be utterly unfit to live 
in. The result of the whole, was a resolution that 

E 


52 


THE HISTORY OF A 


the nurse and Mrs. Pots should repair to the house 
of the parson, as early in the morning as practica* 
hie; and, after the proper ceremonies had been gone 
through with, have the louse introduced into the 
Bible with all possible expedition. 


Chapter IX. 

In which the author takes a flight to the world 
of spirits^ in order to relieve himself of a great 
embarrassment — and then goes on to describe 
a morning scene in bed, 

I WISH this affair of the louse was done with; I 
am sick and tired of it. The very necessity I am 
Hnder of mentioning the name of the animal so of- 
ten, is exceedingly disagreeable, for whether I put 
only the first and last letters, with a dash between 
them, or write it out full and fairly, it still commu- 
nicates the same unpleasant ideas. The first, it is 
true, is a sly vvay of doing the thing, but the only 
effect that I can perceive in it, is to cause the mind 
to pause and consider upon it, whilst the word it- 
self may be read over easily and without much no- 
tice. 

It is for this reason, my dear reader, and not 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


53 


from any want of modesty, that I usually write 
out the whole five letters, and that, too, as plainly 
as I can, that you may meet with no impediment 
whatever, in your passage over them. This appear- 
ed to me the most eligible plan, after several hours’ 
careful reflection upon the subject. One other ex- 
pedient, indeed, presented itself to my mind, which, 
if it could have been carried into effect, would have 
been still better; but so many difficulties arose in 
tbenvay that I was forced to abandon it. This was, 
to introduce the insect under a new name, and 
place an explanatory note at the bottom of the page 
— for instance, I might have called it a hopho- 
gisthus, which, being referred to the note, might 
there be explained as decently as possible. But, 
then, the misfortune was, I had no knowledge of 
the dead languages. Now hophogisthus, for any 
thing I know, may be Greek or Latin, and the 
schoolmasters and critics might puzzle something 
out of it, vvhich would play the very deuce with 
my book and me too. ‘^No, no, give me plain 
English,” said I to myself, will call it John, 
James, or Jacob, which in fact will be preferable, 
for it will make a personification, and a personifi- 
cation is one of the neatest operations in rhetoric. 

Whenever I am about to ponder deeply upon an 
important question of this kind, I usually, after 
lighting a cigar, place my pen behind my ear, and 


54 


THE HISTORY OF A 


my legs upon the table; and then, commending my- 
self to the protection of the stars, launch at once into 
the world of spirits, and there remain until every 
thing is settled and arranged to my satisfaction. 
This would answer an excellent purpose, was it not 
that you are generally beset there by swarms of 
troublesome little imps which fly about so thick^ 
that, unless you take measures to expel them, they 
generally succeed in abstracting your whole atten- 
tion. If this happens, it is a gone case; around you 
they swim in innumerable swarms; your eyes fol- 
low them round and round ; your head grows giddy ; 
the hum of their wings sounds in your ears like a 
rivulet of poppy juice — hum, drum — fancy is wad- 
ing across it, with an old hat on a broomstick — cows 
walking on three legs — broken pitchers— -a rusty 
fork — down — down — down — down goes your head, 
and you are as sound as a rock. 

The best defence I have ever found against these 
somniferous little spirits, is a quarto Bible, which 
should always be carried in the right hand, when 
on an expedition of this nature. It may be relied 
upon as a certain protection; for, at the very in- 
stant your head begins to swim and grow giddy, 
some hidden virtue in the book causes your fingers 
to unclasp, and it falls to the floor with a ‘ bang,’ 
which frightens away all the little imps in a jiffy. 

Besides this, the Bible is well known to be woH'^ 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


55 


derfully efficacious in repelling the various other 
kinds of evil spirits that are liable to assail you in 
those unknown regions; and I candidly believe that 
by neglecting to take it with me upon this occasion, 
I very narrowly escaped a snare laid for my de- 
struction, by the very prince and father of all evil, 
‘he who goes about like a roaring lion.^ What 
else could have put the idea of a personification in 
my head, I cannot imagine — suppose I had called 
the louse John, James, or Jacob what would have 
been the consequence? — why, I should have had all 
the Johns, Jameses, or Jacobs in the world, in arms 
against me at once. They would have sworn it 
was a vile and slanderous attempt to personify 
them. I should have had my head broken, my 
ears pulled — in short, if I had not put the wrong 
end of the cigar in my mouth at the very moment 
I did, heaven only knows what would have happen- 
ed. The smart convinced me, that it was time to 
quit these sleepy lucubrations, and proceed to the 
matters more particularly appertaining to this in- 
comparable history. 

Soon after daylight, the next morning, I was car- 
ried, according to custom, to my mother’s chamber, 
where I had no sooner arrived, than the good lady 
exclaimed in a voice of alarm, “ Lord, preserve us, 
what can be the matter with the child? he has got 

E 2 


56 


THE HISTORY OF A 


the hives as sure as can be — Jediah, my dear; Je- 
diah!’’ 

What, my dear!” said my father, rubbing his 
eyes. 

‘^You must send for the doctor directly,” said 
my mother, “ little Jerry has got the hives; only 
look at his face! it is covered all over with blotches 
as big as the end of my little finger.” 

‘‘0! it is only the heat, I dare say,” said my 
father. 

<‘It is not the heat, my dear,” said my mother, 
‘^Pm sure it is not; where is Jacob? let him go af- 
ter doctor Lavender immediately — nurse, pray tell 
Jacob to come here directly.” 

My nurse went out, and soon returned with the 
information that Jacob had gone to mill in the cart. 

Well, never mind,” said my father, ‘‘it will be 
time enough after breakfast.” 

“But what if the child should die,” said my 
mother. 

“Why did’nt you tell me of this sooner, Mrs. 
Simons? I’m sure it was very careless in you; I 
never saw such blotches upon a child’s face, in all 
the days of my life.” 

“ They did’nt come out till this morning, mem,” 
answered Mrs. Simons. 

Now this was a little fib, on the part of my nurse, 
who could have explained the matter well enough, 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


57 


if she had been so disposed j but, for certain reasons^ 
she preferred having the blotches ascribed to the 
hives. The truth was, during the hurry and con- 
fusion of the preceding evening, my cradle had 
been left uncovered in the nursery; and just about 
the time that Jenny Jobson was visited by the ghost, 
I was visited by a swarm of hungry moschettos, 
which eagerly embraced the opportunity to feast 
themselves at my expense. My cries at that time 
availed nothing, so that the intruders were suffered 
to enjoy themselves for about fifteen minutes, with- 
out much interruption, which, I think, might have 
explained my appearance next morning very phi- 
losophically. My mother, however, was thorough- 
ly alarmed. Can’t you step over to the doctor’s 
yourself, my dear?” said she. 

Umph! here is a pretty business,” said my ‘fa- 
ther. 

You know it is but a short mile across the mea- 
dows!” continued my mother. 

A short mile is a long walk before breakfast,” 
said my father, turning himself over, ‘‘and you 
know, my dear, I have just got the better of my 
rheumatism.” 

“But if little Jerry should die, I’m sure you 
would never forgive yourself,” said my mother. 

“ I see no signs of death,” said he. 

“ Ah ! so they all thought of Betsy Miller’s child. 


58 


THE HISTORY OF A 


only two hours before he was a corpse,’’ said my 
mother. 

My father instantly threw himself out of bed, and 
laid hold of the waistband of his breeches. ‘‘ So 
much for getting children,” said he, as he thrust in 
the first leg. In his own heart he did not believe 
there was much the matter with me; and he would 
have argued the matter over with my mother, had 
he not been perfectly aware, that when her passions 
or feelings were excited, she never would listen 
to argument. This always embarrassed the good 
man excessively, for in an encounter of this kind, 
his asseverations, rebuffs, and explanations, were 
entirely thrown away; my mother did not regard 
them a pin, but went straight on to her point, with- 
out even so much as hearing them. If my father 
chanced to prove more obstinate than usual, she 
had then two expedients in reserve, which seldom 
failed of success. These were, either to bring in 
the case of Betsy Miller’s child, or to shed tears; 
for, in either of these cases, he would invariably 
twitch up the waistband of his breeches, (he wore 
them without suspenders,) and give up at once. 

The morning chanced to be unusually fine, and 
my father, though he commenced his journey with 
a few pshaws and pishes, soon regained his equa- 
nimity, and even began to consider a walk before 
breakfast as no such great hardship. He had, be- 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


59 


sides, an important question upon his mind, which 
required settlement, and this was an excellent op- 
portunity. 

It was his custom, when not otherwise provided, 
to read over every evening a passage from some au- 
thor, that he might be furnished with a convenient 
subject to exercise his mind upon, during the inter- 
vals of slumber; and in the last night’s exercise, he 
had came across the following. Henry IV. of 
France, one day pursuing the chase,became separat- 
ed from his companions, and was riding alone. Pass- 
ing near to a small cottage, he perceived a peasant 
girl sitting by the side of the well, upon which he 
immediately drew out his purse, and gave her ten 
crowns.’^ There was no reason assigned, why the 
king should have given the peasant girl ten crowns, 
and this was precisely the reascxn that my father 
admired the anecdote. He only asked of an author, 
to be furnished with facts; as for the causes, he 
loved to puzzle them out himself, or, if he was un- 
able to do so, he would not have valued them a six- 
pence. 

“Why should the king of France have given 
this peasant girl ten crowns,” said he^fo himself, 
and he immediately set about resolving the ques- 
tion in good earnest. Now, to do this, it was ne- 
cessary, in his opinion, to consider who the king 
of France was, his nature, and his disposition, whe- 


60 


TtlE HISTORY OF A 


ther his pockets were uncommonly full in the morn- 
ing when he rode out to hunt, whether he was re- 
markably fond of peasant girls, or any other girls, 
and so many other matters relative to the subject 
in hand, that though he had seated himself upon a 
log above two hours, for the purpose of reflecting 
at greater ease, he arrived at the house before he 
had got half through with it. 



Chapter X. 

In which my father arrives at his journey' s end^ 
and a new character is introduced to the 
reader. 

The house at which my father arrived, was a 
small, but very neat brick building, surrounded by 
a grove of cedar, and other forest trees. His mind 
Was so much absorbed with the case of the king of 
France and the peasant girl, that he neither per- 
ceived the house itself, nor a gentleman who was 
walking before the door, until he was accosted by 
the latter. 

My father returned his salutation with symptoms 
of surprise. ^‘Good morning, Mr, Saywell,” said 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 61 

he, ‘‘I am glad to meet with you, but what brought 
you from home so early, pray?” 

^^Now that is exactly the question I should have 
asked you,’’ said the other, for myself, you see I 
am not twenty paces from my own door, whilst you 
must have walked more than a mile.’^ 

At this my father looked around him again, and 
scratched his head. He plainly perceived that some- 
thing was wrong, though he could not discover 
what it was. A little irritation on the outside of 
the cranium, has sometimes a great effect in stir- 
ring up the ideas within. A physiologist would 
probably account for it, by proving some kind of 
sympathetic connexion, but I shall confine myself 
to the matter of fact, and not trouble my head to 
account for it at all. When my father had scratched 
his head sufficiently, he spoke as follows. 

‘‘Would you believe it,”^said he, “a strange 
fancy came across me just now. I thought that 
the doctor lived in this house of yours, and that 
my wife had sent me after him, for some purpose 
or other; I am glad it is a mistake though.” 

The fact was, my father had missed his way com- 
pletely, and come to the wrong place; but, though 
he probably felt somewhat dubious of the veracity 
of his memory, the ideas of the nurse, my mother, 
and myself, were all so twisted and intermingled 
with his more important reflections upon the gene- 


62 


THE HISTORY OE A 


rosity of Henry IV. to the peasant girl, that he 
could not ascertain with what precise object he had 
set out, without unravelling the whole of the latter; 
which was a thing not to be thought of. He con- 
cluded rather to stay and partake of the parson’s 
breakfast, which a servant informed them was just 
ready, without puzzling his brain any further about 
it; and whilst they are engaged at this agreeable 
occupation, we shall take the opportunity to de- 
scribe briefly the character of his host. 

Mr. Saywell was a middle aged man, in person 
small and spare, but his countenance was full of vi- 
vacity and intelligence. He difiered chiefly from 
the generality of his brethren of the cloth, in be- 
lieving that there were many things in this world 
with which a man might lawfully enjoy himself, 
and he cared not a copper farthing who knew it. 
He therefore took no pains, in drawing down the 
corners of his mouth, and rolling up his eye-balls 
to the common standard of clerical gravity, for he 
always looked upon such acts as symptoms either 
of hypocrisy or fanaticism. He could see no reason 
why a minister of the gospel should act the part of 
a living ghost, and stalk through a world of God’s 
own creation with contempt and dissatisfaction. 
On the contrary, the cream of his philosophy, was, 
to eat, drink, be merry and thankful; and happily, 
as he was possessed of a snug annual income, and a 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


63 


wife that made cheese, butter and sausages in per- 
fection, he was enabled to follow it up to his heart’s 
content; and, what may appear very extraordinary 
to some persons, it was proved by his example, 
that such a course of life was not at all inconsistent 
with the practice of charity, benevolence, and seve- 
ral other Christian virtues. Once or twice a month 
there was a roast turkey, or a pair of fat fowls, or a 
surloin of beef from a butcher’s cart, or a saddle of 
venison from the green woods, trussed up with ex- 
cellent sauces upon the table; and when his guests 
were tired of their knives and forks, Mr. Saywell 
could generally produce a bottle of good wine, with 
a song and a jest, that infallibly brought cheerful- 
ness to the aid of digestion; and it was seldom that 
any one who left his table ever complained of the 
eflects of his hospitality. 


Chapter XI. 

In which the dangerous qualities of a certain 
feminine species of garment is exemplified by 
three good stories and a dreadful accident; all 
of which^ however y are found to terminate in 
the triumph of philosophy. 

My father, setting aside his walk, commonly 


F 


64 


THE HISTORY OF A 


managed his teeth extremely well; in which respect, 
I am proud to say, I have taken after him wonder- 
fully; for whatever some superficial people may 
tell us to the contrary, there is nothing like good 
feeding. If I was set to make a good citizen, a 
good author, or a good man, his gastric organs 
should never lack a sufficient stock of nutriment, 
whereat the animal spirits might dip in and refresh 
themselves, so as to go about their business cheer- 
fully. It is your poor, lean, rawboned looking 
fellows, that create all the mischief in the world; 
and little wonder is it, for the stomach containing 
nothing but wind, the ill humours are set to work, 
which, becoming flatulenl, ascend into the brain, 
and there swell, and puff, and sputter, until there 
is no more jollity and honest good humour in the 
whole cerebrum, than there is savour in a rotten 
apple. The Chinese, are, I think, the only peo- 
ple in the world, who have got hold of this impor- 
tant truth. Amongst that nation, a man is valued 
in proportion to the size of his belly — one that re- 
quires the constant assistance of both hands to sup- 
port it, is esteemed equal to a patent of nobility. 
But let us return to our narrative. 

When my father had done sufficient honour to 
the repast at which we left him, his host proposed, 
as the weather was warm, to walk out to the shade 
of the neighbouring trees, where their conversa- 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


65 


tion might be continued with greater comfort. 
Near the door they observed a man standing in 
the sun, and very busily engaged in fanning him- 
self with his hat. From the appearance of his cos- 
tume, it seemed probable that he might have borne 
without injury a much fresher breeze, than he was 
by this means enabled to raise; for, though it was 
in the middle of July, he was clothed in a jacket of 
thick gray cloth, with corduroy breeches, and wool- 
len hose to correspond. Upon seeing the clergy- 
man and my father, he approached with his liat in 
his hand to make his reverence, and, though the 
big drops of sweat were rolling fast from his fore- 
head, there was a look of honest pride and satisfac- 
tion upon his countenance, which had probably 
been inspired by the nature of his errand. 

Mr. Saywell,^’ said he, with a strong Hibernian 
accent, have brought over a wee bag of pera- 
ties, with my respects to ye, if your reverence 
would condacend to accept them jist/^ 

‘^With pleasure, Patrick,'^ replied the clergy- 
man, ‘‘ but it must be on condition that you will 
take oflf that jacket, and stand in the shade.’^ 

‘‘But would that be dacent before jointlemen?” 
said Patrick, scratching his head. 

“0! very decent,’^ answered the parson, “you 
must remember it is the custom in this climate; you 


66 


THE HISTORY OF A 


have no such hot weather as this in the old coun- 
tiy/^ 

‘‘Arrah! sure your reverence is jesting now!” 
cried Pat, with an incredulous air, haven’t I seen 
a peratie boiled on the bare ground by the haet of 
the sun jist? fath! and there’s as het weather, and 
better, in ould Ireland, than in any other country 
in the houl warld.” 

^‘That is impossible, Patrick,” said my father, 
^^for, as Ireland is situated in a high latitude, the 
sun cannot act so powerfully there, as upon those 
countries which are immediately under his path.” 

But that difficulty may be got over,” observed 
Mr. Say well. ‘‘What if the Irishmen have a sun of 
their own!” 

“A sun of their own!” exclaimed my father. 

“Path, have we, a sun of our own, as his reve- 
rence says,” cried Pat, “and a beautiful sun it is, 
too; och! and it would come and look down upon 
my own little town of Kilkinpenny so swate and 
so pretty, that never a cloud of them dared to come 
near him at all!” 

“At least,” replied Mr. Saywell, “an Irishman 
may be said to be possessed of a sun in his own good 
nature, a sun that gives him a light heart, warm feel- 
ings, and generous sentiments ; and that is a sun 
to boast of.” 

Some persons may, from this speech, be induced 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


67 


to think that Mr. Say well carried some Irish blood 
in his own veins, but such was not the fact; his 
ancestors, as he has often told me, were natives of 
the free town of Hamburgh, where they were fa- 
mous for the manufacture of wooden men and 
horses. Honest Patrick received the compliment 
paid to his countrymen with as much satisfaction 
and glee, as if it had been worth a handful of guineas 
to his own pocket. <‘Your reverence,’^ said he, 
^^has been a kind friend til Judy and me” 

The parson laid his finger upon his lip. 

Well,^^ continued Pat, hastily, since your 
reverence don’t like the word, why divel burn my 
tongue if I spake it.” 

“You might have omitted the imprecation,” said 
Mr. Say well, gravely, “and yet,” continued he, 
turning to my father, “ the sentiment proceeds from 
true politeness. If you put yourself to a trifling 
inconvenience to serve some persons, they will put 
you to twice as much more by compelling you to 
listen to an endless string of thanks. And now, 
Pat, we will look at this present of your’s, for I 
love to see a fine potato, as well as an Irishman.” 

^^With your lave, jointlemen,” cried Pat, quick- 
ly, PlI jist empty them first.” 

‘‘1 will show you a place,” said the parson. 

Upon this, Pat put on his hat, and led the way, 
though with evident symptoms of reluctance. The 

F 2 


68 


THE HISTORY OF A 


cause of this was fully revealed, when they came 
to the place where he had deposited them. It arose 
from his desire to keep the article which contained 
them out of view, for it proved to be nothing more 
or less than one of Judy’s red flannel petticoats. 

‘^It is a queer thing to put peraties intil a petti- 
coat,” said he, fidgeting about, and twisting his hat, 
which he had again taken oflf, into divers shapes, 
^^but when I got up this morning to bring them, 
jointlemen, there was never a bag to be found in 
the house, and I says til Judy, Judy, says I, here’s 
the wee pile of peraties that is jist biding to be car- 
ried over to his reverence, and the divel a b'ag is 
there to be had at all! Och! now, says Judy, says 
she, don’t be after telling me that, Patrick M‘Ken- 
ny, for his reverence is a dare good man, and the 
divel a peratie shall ye have for yourself til ye 
take em; and so you must jist pit them intil my 
own red petticoat, for its clane, and it’l make as 
good a bag as ye’l find, I think.” 

“And so it is,” said the parson, when Patrick 
had concluded his apology, ‘‘it is an excellent bag 
to all intents and purposes; and I will venture to 
say, there never was a petticoat, since Eve first in- 
vented them of fig leaves, filled with more peace- 
able materials.” 

“ I am a little apt,” said my father, “to be sus- 
picious of a petticoat any where, or under any cir- 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


69 


cumstances; it looks peaceable enough now, to be 
sure, but no one can tell what mischief may be 
brewing in it, for all. It was only last winter that 
I was nearly smoked out of the house by one of 
my wife’s, that had by some meahs or other got 
thrust up the chimney. The fault was all attribut- 
ed to my new invented backs and jambs, and thus 
the best improvement in the construction of fire 
places that has been invented since the time of 
Rumford, was thrown into discredit, by a piece of 
old smutty dimity.”* 

It was certainly very vexatious,” said the par- 
son, ^^and now I think of it, there was an accident 
which happened within my own knowledge, which 
proves still more conclusively, the dangerous quali- 
ties of this species of garment. When I resided 
with my father in the city, rhany years ago, he had 
a coachman whose name was Robert. This Robert 
was a steady, industrious, sober young man, and 
was regarded by all the family as an excellent ser-^ 
vant. Unluckily for him, poor fellow, as he was 
one day driving the carriage round to the stable, 

* Tills was my father’s real and candid belief, for, after the 
discovery of the unlucky petticoat, he never could be persuaded 
that the chimney smoked. Candour, however, obliges me to 
state, that that event appears to have had very little effect upon 
the said backs and jambs, which continued to smoke every one, 
except my father, most pertinaciously. 


70 


THE HISTORY OF A 


he saw something lying in the street, which, upon 
dismounting from his box, he found to be a handsome 
new white dimity petticoat. Robert was naturally 
tickled with the nature of his prize, and that very 
evening he exhibited it to the whole assemblage of 
kitchen and chambermaids that belonged to my fa- 
ther’s establishment. These wondered excessively 
how the coachman came by it, who it was for, how 
much it cost, who made it, whether it was given to 
him, or whether he had bought it, whether he in- 
tended to give it away, and a variety of interesting 
matters relative to it; but Robert, out of mere whim, 
refused to give them any satisfaction. He took 
the petticoat to his own room, and deposited it in 
the very bottom of his chest. The maids, how- 
ever, were determined not to suffer their curiosity 
to be slighted in this manner; there was some mys- 
tery about the business, which they could not fa- 
thom, and it was impossible to rest easy in such a 
state of uncertainty. 

‘‘ The consequence of this was, that from that eve- 
ning Robert never appeared in the kitchen, but he 
was assailed by innumerable questions about the 
petticoat. In fact, petticoats soon became the uni- 
versal subject of discussion, and the talk was kept 
up by a schism arising in the family, with respect 
to the colour of the one in question; one party as- 
serting that it was white, whilst the other stoutly 


BREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


71 


maintained that it was sky-blue. Robert was ap- 
pealed to, but pertinaciously refused to afford the 
desired information. The debates continued to 
run high, but no discovery of any importance was 
made till near six months after, when two of the 
maids were suddenly discharged by my mother, 
and Robert was obliged to flee the country, to avoid 
some very unpleasant consequences with which he 
was threatened. He solemnly declared, and, I have 
no doubt, truly, that the whole affair was owing to 
the white dimity petticoat.” 

have no doubt of it, my dear friend,” said 
my father, emphatically, ‘^none in the world; it 
was enough to ruin the whole household, nay, even 
the whole street. Women are exceedingly blame- 
able in leaving these things where they may be 
picked up by straggling coachmen, to the great dan- 
ger of all the maids, or get thrust up a chimney, 
to the great discomfort and inconvenience of the 
whole family. I would, therefore, recommend 
that this one, belonging, as it is said, to Judith 
M^Kenny, should be properly disposed of, as soon 
as possible.” 

Patrick had listened very attentively to the in- 
stances adduced by the clergyman and my father, 
and when the latter had done speaking, he, think- 
ing, probably, that good stories should go round, 
commenced in his turn. 


72 


THE HISTORY OF A 


“Och! by the powers/^ said he, your tales, 
jointlemen, put me in mind of my cousin Terry 
O’Neal, who used to swear a petticut was the most 
dangerous thing a man could get intilj and Terry 
had a good reason, he had, for he hurried one of 
Judy’s to go to a bit of a dance; and as soon as he was 
come, the lasses they raddled him with their shela- 
lies, til there was never a white spot on his back, 
the size of a sixpence, but his two eyes, and they 
were as black as a pair of coal-pits.” 

Patrick’s speech brought a smile from the lips of 
my father, and the parson laughed heartily. It 
was agreed upon all hands that the petticoat was a 
most dangerous article, and the owner was request- 
ed to remove it to a safe place, with all possible 
expedition. But, before this could be affected, an 
accident happened, which converted their jest into 
earnest. 

The dwelling of Mr. Saywell was situated upon 
an eminence, and fronting the public road. The 
above mentioned conversation took place upon the 
edge of this road, and all the parties were so deeply 
engaged, that none of them perceived a horseman 
who was slowly ascending the hill. Had he been 
seen, his well filled saddle-bags would alone have 
been a mark sufficiently specific, to have distin- 
guished our friend doctor Post. 

It chanced also, that the man of medicine was at 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


73 


that moment deeply engaged in conjuring out the 
meaning of an obscure passage in Celsus, and, at 
such a time, he might have rode through a whole 
army, without discovering a man of it. His horse, 
however, had no such agreeable occupation to en- 
gage his mind, and, consequently, as he jogged 
along, he cast his eyes about him, and endeavoured 
to amuse himself by observing what was going for- 
ward in the world. Nothing occurred to disturb 
his equanimity, until he had arrived within a few 
paces of the place where my father and the cler- 
gyman were standing, when a side glance betrayed 
to him Judy’s red flannel petticoat, stuffed out, body 
and sleeves, with the potatoes. A single look was 
sufficient to bring the sagacious quadruped to the 
same conclusion they had just arrived at, and mak- 
ing a sudden spring to avoid the danger, he unfor- 
tunately threw his rider with great violence against 
the opposite fence. The head of the unlucky ope- 
rator came first in contact with a large stake, and, 
with such violence, that, but for an unusual thick- 
ness of the cranium, it must certainly have been 
shattered to a mummy. As it was, he received 
some severe bruises, and was left senseless upon 
the ground. 

Mr. Saywell and my father had, certainly, little 
expectation that the truth of their observations 
would be so soon exemplified j but perceiving the 


74 


THE HISTORY OF A 


condition of their luckless friend, they immediately 
flew to his assistance. With the help of Patrick 
they conveyed him into the house, and then im- 
mediately despatched a messenger in search of doc- 
tor Lavender. His injuries, however, were not as 
serious as might have been anticipated ; he soon 
began to revive, and philosophy, who had been 
fairly scared out of her wits by the first shock, was 
too good a friend to desert her patron at this pinch. 
As soon as the blood and dirt were washed from his 
face, and the extent of the injury discovered by 
means of a looking-glass, she set about devising ways 
and means to render his situation as comfortable as 
the circumstances would admit. Her attention was 
first directed to his head, which had received seve- 
ral severe contusions, and bled profusely. Half a 
dozen handkerchiefs had been already twisted about 
it in various directions, without much effect, and 
the blood continued to trickle down his face in 
such quantities, that his attendants began to be 
seriously alarmed. At this critical time, his good 
genius suggested a remedy, at once as simple as 
efficacious. This was to envelop the cranium in a 
mass of cotton, and cover the whole with a wash 
bowl, which being secured by a napkin passed 
over the top, and fastened under the chin, was found 
to fit as snugly as a night cap, pressing so equally 
upon the skull in every part, that the haemorrhage 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


75 


was completely commanded. All this happily ac- 
complished, the worthy doctor, whose pleasure at 
the result of this successful experiment seemed to 
more than counterbalance his misfortune, raised 
himself upon his haunches, and waving his arm to 
command attention, spoke to his auditors as fol- 
lows. 

Calomel and opium, my much respected friends, 
have been called the Samson and Hercules of me- 
dicine j but philosophy, when under proper and 
discreet guidance, is of infinitely more service than 
all the other remedies which have ever been pro- 
posed, to alleviate our mental, or even our corpo- 
ral sufferings. It is only by listening to her voice, 
and relying upon her aid, that we can turn the ac- 
cidents we daily meet with in life to our advantage, 
or to that of our species, and enable ourselves to 
bear up the dignity of our natures against the cur- 
rent of misfortune. Doubtless, many persons, if 
in my situation, would consider these wounds a 
heavy calamity, but, by her consoling influence, 
they have been converted to an advantage; inas- 
much as they have stirred up the energies of my 
mind, and suggested a resource which may here- 
after be of the most essential benefit to science.’^ 

“ It is not every head,” quoth my father in a 
whisper, ‘‘upon which the new apparatus would 
prove so efficacious.” 

Cr 


76 


THE HISTORY OF A 


continued the practitioner, ‘‘may be 
compared to an eight-ounce syringe, and philosophy 
to the wrapper of tow upon the end of the piston; if 
there be a sufficient quantity thereof, it propels the 
most drastic mixture before it with ease and cer- 
tainty, but if there be not, it flies back into the 
face of the operator.^’ 

When the doctor had delivered himself of this 
sagacious address, he sunk back upon the pillow, 
and soon fell into a comfortable nap. His audience 
had listened with a gravity, that did them infinite 
credit, for the extraordinary figure cut by the speak- 
er, and his pompous manner of expressing his opi- 
nions, were almost sufficient to raise a smile upon 
the countenance of the goddess of sobriety herself. 



Chapter XII. 

A deep dip into metaphysics— ^ the eloquence of 
Mrs, Pots, and the great learning and inge* 
nuity of the parson. 

It might be theoretically supposed, that we, 
poor, weak, frail mortals, find so much trouble 
and vexation in the past and the present, that w« 
should have but little inclination to pry into fu- 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


77 


turity, I say theoretically, for practically, the truth 
lies exactly in the reverse. Such is the sway 
which the passion of curiosity has over our minds, 
that knaves and sharpers, in all countries, and in all 
ages, have found it their most powerful auxiliary 
in swindling the weak and ignorant. In the early 
ages vast sums were paid to the astrologers for 
predicting the course of future events by the stars, 
and, even in our enlightened times there are many 
people of good sense in other respects, who flock 
to the miserable habitation of some blear-eyed, de- 
crepid, poverty-stricken old woman, whom they 
believe to be miraculously endowed with power to 
turn over the pages of the great book, wherein the 
author of the universe has recorded the destiny of 
his creatures. There are also an infinite number 
of persons, who, without possessing the credulity 
of the believers in these sixpenny oracles, have yet 
an equal thirst for the same kind of knowledge. 
These,' for the most part, endeavour to gratify 
themselves by peeping over the shoulder of old fa- 
ther Time. They watch the current of events as it 
runs from his hour glass with so much eagerness, 
that they commonly see those things which relate 
to themselves, and especially to their neighbours, 
before they are half developed, and a thousand 
busy tongues are at once employed in spreading a 
thousand different accounts of them. Now, in pro- 


78 


THE HISTORY OF A 


portion to the population, there was as many of 
these news-catchers, as we may call them, in the 
neighbourhood of Turkeytown, as in other places, 
which accounts for the fact, that there was not a 
man, woman, or child, within five miles of the 
place, who had not heard of the accident which be- 
fell doctor Post, within half an hour after it had 
occurred. Some had understood that he had frac- 
tured his skull, some that his head was entirely 
split open, and some that his neck was broken short 
off like a pipe-stem; but all agreed that he was stone 
dead, and that nothing remained but to go to his 
funeral. My nurse and Mrs. Pots had set out some 
time before, in pursuance of the resolution passed 
the preceding evening, and they met the flying re- 
port, when about half-way between my father^s 
house and the parson’s. They were greatly shock- 
ed at the news, and accelerated their pace as much 
as possible, in order to get a sight of the corpse, 
Mrs. Pots having never seen the body of *a man 
who had been killed, in all the days of her life. 
Actuated by this powerful motive, they got along 
with so much expedition, that they arrived at the 
scene of action within a very few minutes after the 
doctor had concluded his speech. Upon entering 
the house, and seeing no one to attend to them, 
they proceeded up stairs, and accidentally met with 
the parson himself upon the landing. As soon as 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


79 


they perceived him, Mrs. Pots, who took it upon 
herself to act as spokeswoman, commenced a speech, 
which she intended should be at once apologetic 
and consolatory. 

I hope Mrs. Simons and myself have not pro- 
truded on the privaties of your reverence,’’ said she, 
with a low courtesy, especially at such a mourn- 
ful time, your reverence; but it is condoling to re- 
flect that he was^an uprighteous man, who walked 
defensively through the world, and, though he has 
been cut off, in the midst of his sins, we may hope 
that he whose ways are insatiable and mysterious, 
who giveth and who taketh away, will in the rec- 
titude of his mercy, transform him into a better 
world, and give him a mansion in that burne from 
which no traveller returns.” 

Here the cook made a pause, and ere she could 
recover her breath, the parson rendered a continua- 
tion of the speech unnecessary, by assuring her 
that tlie doctor was not dead. Cicero, himself, 
could not have gone on after such an interruption 
as this; neither could Mrs. Pots, She fell back 
tw’o paces, and remained with her arm resting on 
the banister, and her mouth wide open, but it ut- 
tered not a word. 

My nurse occupied herself in dangling her horn 
snuffbox, which was carefully secured in the cor- 
ner of her handkerchief. Being no speech maker 
G 2 


80 


THE HISTORY OF A 


herself, she had confided chiefly in the oracular 
powers of her friend, and when these were con- 
founded, there appeared to her no other resource, 
but to effect a retreat. She whispered something of 
this kind to Mrs. Pots, but that lady was in no such 
haste. Besides that the original object of their 
visit was not yet accomplished, it was necessary to 
ascertain, if doctor Post was not killed, in what 
manner and degree he was wounded. Whether it 
was his leg, or his arm, or his head, or his abdomen, 
that had suffered, and whether he was likely to re- 
cover or not; without some information of this kind, 
Mrs. Pots could not possibly think of leaving the 
premises. 

The hint had, however, its effect. It recalled 
her to her recollection, and soon recovering from 
her surprise, she took the snuff box from the hand- 
kerchief of the nurse, and balancing it upon the 
four fingers of the right hand, placed the index 
digit of the left upon the lid. Then, after another 
low courtesy, and an elaborate apology for the trou- 
ble she was about to give his worshipful reverence, 
she began first to describe the laudable anxietypf the 
nurse, and the trouble she had taken in exploring 
my cranial regions. She then went on to relate 
the deplorable confusion which had been occasion- 
ed by the unlucky mistake of my mother, and con- 
cluded by earnestly beseeching him to devise some 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


81 


means to avert the still more fatal consequences, 
which must otherwise be the infallible result. 

The parson found some difficulty in suppressing 
a smile during this singular narration; but when it 
was concluded, he answered very gravely, as fol- 
lows. Your anxiety in behalf of the child, Mrs. 
Pots, is exceedingly commendable, but the acci- 
dent which has happened in this case, being in its 
nature kinkumlogical, must be met by a remedy 
tercumpogical, that is, by tying a blue riband round 
the neck of your captive.’’ 

^^Does your reverence think that would be ef- 
fectual?” said the cook. 

I think there can be no reasonable doubt of it,” 
replied the parson. 

We are a thousand times obliged to your reve- 
rence,” said Mrs. Pots; it shall be done directly.” 

My nurse courtesied to the ground, and the two 
friends went down into the kitchen, to pursue their 
further inquiries in that department ‘‘What do 
you think of that, now?” said Mrs. Pots, as they 
descended the stairs; “that’s the blessing of great 
larnin. The dear good man only took two words 
to it, tinclum — no, king come” — “ogical,” said my 
nurse. “ That was the last of it,” said her friend, 
“it was either ting com, or king come, I don’t 
know which.” 

^‘But how shall we put on the blue riband?” 


82 


THE HISTORY OF A 


said the nurse. ‘*We must think of that,’^ said 
Mrs. Pots. 


Chapter XIII. 

Which is one of the best chajyters in this hook^ 
being the last and the shortest, 

^‘This seems to be an unfortunate day/’ said the 
parson, as he entered the room; ‘‘an accident that 
happened at your house, Mr. Peters” — 

“An accident at my house!” interrupted my 
father. 

“You need not be alarmed,” returned the other. 

“ It appears that a louse” 

“A louse!” cried my father again, placing his • 
finger upon the side of his nose. The moment he 
got hold of the louse, he thought of my mother, and 
then of the blotches; in short, he remembered every 
thing that had passed previous to his’lucubrations 
upon the case of the king of France and the peasant 
girl. “ I would thank you for rny hat and stick,” 
said he; “ or stay, my good friend, if you could send 
the boy on old roan for doctor Lavender, it would 
be a great favour!” 

“ Why, the doctor can do no good, for as far as 


DREADFUL CATASTROPHE. 


83 


I can learn, it was entirely consumed,’’ answered 
the parson with a smile; ‘‘but, at all events, the 
boy has been gone this half hour on that very er- 
rand.” 

“So he has,” quoth my father; I am strangely 
forgetful to day, but its nothing serious I’ll be 
sworn; pray go on with your story.” 



END OF BOOK I. 


BOOK II. 


CO^TAmma THE'JIMOURS OFDR.POSTA^D THE WIDOfT 
PEWEETLE. 


Chapter I. 

Some introductory remarks^ preparatory to a 
fresh start. 

Having now, gentle reader, got into the second 
part of my memoirs, let us look back and consi* 
der what has been in the first, that we may ascer- 
tain whether all, or any of the objects proposed, 
have been accomplished. For my own part, I 
must candidly confess, that, though my main ob^ 
ject in commencing this work, was, as I have be- 
fore stated, immortality, I have not been able to 
keep my mind’s eye so intently fixed upon futurity, 
but that my bodily eye does much oftener than I 
could wish, remind me of sundry little inconve- 
niences that attend the present. I have, conscr 
quently, been obliged to follow the example of all 
men who are mortal, and mingle little things with 
great onesj and, indeed, I cannot see how this is to 


1)R. POST AND THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


85 


be avoided j for though a man who possesses a very 
large soul, may spend a great part of his time in 
the regions of futurity, revelling in the delights of 
anticipation, he will sooner or later find it necessary 
to come home, and invent some scheme to procure 
a new pair of breeches, if he is no better provided 
with that article than I am. In truth, I have found 
^the downy pinions of fancy as some people call 
the saddle we are obliged to make use of in these 
excursions, to be no softer than the bottom of an 
old Windsor chair, and there is no fabrication of 
woollen or cotton that I know of, which will stand 
constant riding on it. Buckskin would probably 
answer the best purpose, but, when I once pro- 
posed that material to my wife, she shook her head, 
and declared that buckskin always gave her fingers 
an unpleasant sensation, and, she being pretty good 
at patching, I gave in, as a dutiful husband should. 
Two of my objects, then, are, imperishable re- 
nown, and a good pair of breeches. 

But, throwing our breeches aside for the present, 
it is necessary to pay some attention to another ob- 
ject, in which the reader is probably somewhat in- 
terested; and that is, to consider what progress we 
have made with our tale, and whether there is any 
probability that we shall be enabled to bring it to a 
speedy and successful termination. And here, I 
declare, I am almost induced to throw my inkstand 


86 


Dk. roST AND 


into the sea, which is now rolling under my win* 
dow, and eschew writing for everj for, in looking 
hack to the chapters already w’ritten, they only re- 
mind me of what Eliphaz, the Temanite, said to 
Job, ‘^should a wise man utter vain knowledge, and 
fill his belly with the east wind!’^ 

A whole book upon the occurrences of two days! 
What a glorious task have I got before me. But, 
nil desperandum, my friends, that is, empty your 
toddy as quickly as possible, for the coach is at the 
door, and we shall be off again in a crack. 

Chapter II. 

How the widow Peweetle excelled in the same 
qualities which distinguished the emperor Na- 
poleon — a sketch of her history — and her des^ 
perate attach upon the iron-hound heart of 
doctor Post. 

Napoleon Bonaparte, emperor of •the French, 
has observed, that the only pugnacious talent in 
which he excelled his contemporaries, w^as that of 
taking advantage of the circumstances which chance 
threw in his way. Mrs. Peweetle, a veteran in 
the wars of Cupid, excelled in the very same quality: 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


S7 


when I first commenced this entertaining history, 
madarrt, I had no idea whatever of amusing you 
with the amours of Mrs. Peweetle, or indeed with 
any other amours than my own, (which, with the 
blessing of Providence, I hope to come to by and 
by,) but in story telling, as in every thing else, 
one thing leads on to another in such an unaccount- 
able manner, that I would defy the Governor him- 
self, if his excellency should sit down to write a 
book, to know all that may be in the bottom of his 
inkstand. 

I shall, therefore, without further apology, pro- 
ceed to state in a very few words who Mrs. Pe- 
weetle was. At the time of which we are speak- 
ing, she was, and had been for the last ten years, 
about the age of twenty-five. She had arrived at 
twenty-four, and lost her husband in less than a 
week after, which unlucky circumstance had pro- 
cured for her the title of a widow bewitched. This 
taste of matrimony had appareijitly given her a 
complete disrelish for that holy state, as she most 
positively declared she never after could endure 
the thoughts of a man; and with this doughty re- 
solution she came to reside with my aunt Dorothea, 
in virtue of a cousinship that had subsisted between 
their forefathers of old. But ‘ varium mutabile 
semper foemina/ as old Horace says, in less than 
six weeks she had laid desperate siege to the heart 


H 


88 


DR. POST AND 


of Mr. Mumble, the little merchant of Turkey- 
town, and afterwards to those of the apofhecary 
and two or three neighbouring farmers in succes- 
sion. Having failed with all these, through some 
unaccountable causes, she next opened her batteries 
against doctor Post, and carried on her approaches 
with so much vigour that the worthy gentleman 
was soon driven to extremities, as will presently be 
seen. 

For the rest, she was a good natured gossip, who 
made herself useful in the family by representing 
my aunt at the tea-table, and in the kitchen, whilst 
that lady enjoyed her armchair unmolested; talked 
all day, and all night too, when occasion offered; 
eat any part of a fowl but the leg, and always call- 
ed a cock a he-chicken. 

Mrs. Peweetle, experienced as she was, soon 
found, when she determined on the attack, that there 
were obstacles of no common difficulty to be sur- 
mounted. In vain did she look around and recon- 
noitre the place in every direction, in hopes to spy 
out some weak point where a lodgment might be 
effected. No man, since the days of Adam, was 
ever surrounded by such impregnable barriers; — 
they were ice, flint, adamant; in fine, if it had not 
been for the talent she possessed in common with 
the emperor Napoleon, she might as well have di- 
rected the artillery of Cupid against the rock of 
Gibraltar. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


89 


The accident which aflforded her the favourable 
opportunity, was the same we have related in the 
preceding book. The doctor had been conveyed 
home in Mr. Say well’s carriage, and no sooner did 
the widow see him laid upon his back, and his head 
muffled in a woollen night cap, which had been sub- 
stituted for the wash bowl, than she rather ungal- 
lantly resolved to take advantage of the golden mo- 
ment, when the enemy was placed, as it were, hors 
de combat* Accordingly, after spending two days 
in making such preliminary preparations, as she 
judged feasible, she commenced upon the third in 
the following manner. 

I wonder, doctor Stubbs,” said she, after re- 
moving the empty bowl, from which he had just 
taken his supper of water gruel, “ I wonder, what 
in the wide world you keep them there bones, and 
them big lizards, stuck round your room to fright- 
en folks to death with; if I wanted to marry ever 
so bad, but the dear lord above knows! I would’nt 
marry any man living, for the world, not I; — but I 
say, if I wanted to marry ever so bad, and any gen- 
tleman was to ask me, who had such things hung 
round his bedroom, I’m sure to gracious I wouldn’t 
have any thing to do with him, for fear the ghosts 
would come and haunt us every night of our lives.” 

‘^The belief in ghosts, Mrs. Peweetle,” said the 
doctor, raising his head upon his hand, ‘‘is now 


90 


DR. POST AND 


common only amongst the ignorant; philosophy 
has long since demonstrated, that the spirits of the 
dead, whatever may be their destiny, never revisit 
the earth. I am aware that many of the ancient 
philosophers were of a different opinion, but they 
had only the lights of their own times. The sun 
of science may now be said to shine in its meridian 
splendour, and the dark mists of ignorance and pre- 
judice which have hung over the world ever since 
its creation, are fast rolling away before the genial 
influence.” 

I don’t know much about philosophy, doctor,” 
said the widow, but I am’ sure I have a great re- 
spect for it.” 

This was a truly politic stroke, and even caused 
the features of the doctor to relax into a kind of 
ghastly smile, as he replied, I am very glad to hear 
you say so, Mrs. Peweetle, for of all the good things 
of this world, philosophy is surely the best. Ah! 
if you knew what comfort it affords the mind in af- 
fliction, with what joy it fills the soul, even in the 
midst of torment; if you had heard in what man- 
ner the glorious Anaxarchus, when pounded in a 
mortar by command of the barbarous Nicocreon, 
cried out, ‘ pound as long as thou wilt upon the 
body of Anaxarohus, himself thou canst not hurt!’ ” 

I know it, I know it,” cried Mrs. Peweetle, 
while a tear started to her eye for the sufferings of 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


91 


Anaxarchus, which were related with such pathos. 
She had no mind though, that he should run long 
on this scent, for she well knew, that when the old 
Thracian was of the party, he commonljr monopo- 
lized the attention of his disciple, to the exclusion 
of every thing else. The remainder of her response 
was intended to bring him back to a subject less pla- 
tonic. ‘‘ I know it is,” she continued, and, there- 
fore, I was saying, that is, I was going to say, that if 
I had any thoughts of changing my condition, which 
the Lord knows I haven’t, but if I had my pick 
and choice out of a hundred, I would choose a 
philosopher; and, as you say, that philosophers 
think there are no ghosts, why, I don’t know but 
it makes a difference; but then I can’t see, for all 
that, how any one can stay in a room alone, espe- 
cially of nights, with all them queer things lying 
about one.” 

^^That is because you are unacquainted with the 
sublime science of anatomy,” rejoined the doctor, 
starting most provokingly upon another favourite 
topic. ‘‘ You, for instance, cannot conceive with 
what delight the anatomist pursues his researches 
upon the human body, laying open its most hidden 
recesses, tracing the nerves and arteries, and most 
particularly the curious and complicated inflections 
of the peritoneum. The peritoneum is a complete 
bag, Mrs. Peweetle, that encloses the liver, stomach, 
H 2 


92 


DR. POST AND 


duodenum, rectum, and all the rest of the abdomi- 
nal viscera, and yet it is outside of them all. You 
would hardly believe that now, but I assure you 
it is true; you and I, and all of us, have one, Mrs. 
Peweetle. If you will be good enough to hand me 
that bone by your elbow, I will take a pleasure in 
explaining to you the whole arrangement.’’ 

^‘What! that great bony thing,” exclaimed the 
lady, edging away from the table by which she 
had been standing; “why, laws, doctor Stubbs! I 
wouldn’t touch it for all the peritoneums in the 
world. I wonder you could ask a lady to take hold 
of such a thing.” 

“I am sorry if I have given offence,” said the 
doctor in considerable surprise. 

“0! no offence, doctor,” said the placable widow, 
irradiating her countenance with a smile; “I know 
you did’nt mean any, and if you wish the ugly 
thing, I’ll even bring it to you, though Pm sure 1 
wouldn’t do the like for any other man breathing.” 
So saying, and taking care to protect her fingers by 
the interposition of a towel, several times doubled, 
she seized the preparation by the smallest visible 
projection, and conveyed it to the bed-side of the 
patient. It is possible the good lady would have 
been less accommodating, had she not reflected, 
that the explanation proposed would necessarily 
bring the parties into contact, and she was well 


THE WIDOW FEWEETLE. 


93 


aware of the advantages which might in that case 
be obtained by a little skilful manoeuvring. The 
movement succeeded admirably, for the doctor im- 
mediately seized upon her forefinger to point out 
some interesting points of anatomy, and the widow 
was consequently obliged to seat herself upon the 
edge of the bed. This was the nearest approach 
to familiarity the doctor had ever made, and Mrs. 
Peweetle could not but augur favourably from the 
circumstance; but suspense is always uncomfort- 
able, and to hasten the crisis she uttered a long 
drawn sigh. Doctor Post looked up, and the wi- 
dow looked down. There was in his face an ex- 
pression of surprise and concern. Mrs. Peweetle 
averted her head, and still leaving her finger in 
possession of the anatomist, threw in another sigh. 

Are you unwell, Mrs. Peweetle?’^ said he. 

“ I do feel a little unwell, doctor,’^ she replied 
in a languishing voice. 

Perhaps it is a sudden qualm, said he. 

No, its not a qualm, said she. 

‘‘Or a sick stomach,’^ said he. 

“ I am not sick at the stomach,” said she. 

“A severe headach, perhaps,” said he. 

“ I have no headach,” said she; “ I scarcely 
know what it is, doctor; will you feel my pulse?” 

The doctor, after examining her pulse very at- 
tentively for some time, said, “ there are some sy mp- 


94 


Dll. POST AND 


toms of plethora, though I think not much more 
than is usual in a state of health; if you had applied 
to doctor Tweezer, now, he would have ordered 
you to live upon Gum Arabic, and be bled twice 
a day for a fortnight; but, I thank heaven we are 
not so much addicted to the dangerous practice of 
phlebotomy.’^ 

‘‘What then would you recommend in such a 
case?” said the widow. 

“ I should think,” answered her medical adviser, 
“it would only be necessary to live for a week 
upon water gruel ; which will dilute the blood, and 
give time for the superabundant humours to be 
carried off by the usual emunctories. Doctor Twee- 
zer holds, that there are no humours in the blood, 
but it is a very ridiculous notion, Mrs. Peweelle, 
very ridiculous, as I can prove to you” 

“But can you think of nothing else that would 
be serviceable?” interrupted the widow in a soft 
tone. 

“You might,” he replied, “add a small portion 
of sal nitre, as a gentle refrigerator.” 

“ Sail fool!” exclaimed Mrs. Peweetle, losing all 
patience, and hastily extricating her finger, she ran 
immediately out of the room. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE.- 


95 


Chapter III. 

The widow retires discomfited; hut fate comes to 
her assistance in the shape of Mr. *dugustus 
Peacock — a curious dialogue between this per- 
sonage and the doctor. 

It has long since been ascertained, that the course 
of true love never did run smooth, and this reflec- 
tion, or one similar, occurring to Mrs. Peweetle, 
as she descended the stairs, she wisely consoled 
herself with it for the ill success she had met with 
in the recent skirmish. Still, to use one of her own 
words, she could not help feeling a little flustrated, 
and indeed she must have been more than woman, 
if she had not. She had seen smart men, and stu- 
pid men; and odd men, and simple men; but a man 
who would take no kind of hint, however broad, 
was, of all descriptions of men, the most puzzling 
she had ever met with. To have expected a de- 
claration of love, and received in lieu thereof a re- 
commendation to live upon water gruel and take 
sal nitre! it was too much. Whilst these reflections 
were chasing each other through her mind, she 
made the best of her way to her own apartment, 
and taking up a pair of my uncle’s black silk 
breeches that required darning, commenced sew- 


96 


DR. POST AND 


ing upon them with the utmost diligence. In less 
than five minutes, however, she buried her needle 
in a cake of wax instead of the pin-cushion, and 
pushing the breeches under the corner of the bed, 
walked out into the garden to try the effects of 
fresh air and exercise. 

In the mean time, fate was doing more for her 
than she could have anticipated; but as this guiding 
power generally makes use of very roundabout 
means to effect her purposes, it will require some 
time for us to follow her operations. 

Mrs. Peweetle had no sooner left the room, 
than our worthy disciple of -®sculapius was struck 
with the utmost consternation at the idea of having 
given offence to the good lady who had nursed him 
so kindly. But, after examining the matter in 
his own mind, turning and twisting it into every 
shape it was capable of receiving, he could not con- 
ceive why his prescription should have proved so 
disagreeable, unless, indeed, from its simplicity. 
He was aware that this was a common cause of 
complaint with patients, who in general were fond 
of remedies that could be felt; and the more he re- 
flected upon it, the more firmly he became con- 
vinced, that this was the true cause of the widow’s 
discontent. He consequently resolved, when he 
next saw her, to recommend the addition of a blis- 
ter to the course of treatment; and he would cer- 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


97 


tainly have done so, had it not been for the con** 
trary advice of his friend Mr. Augustus Peacock, 
who very opportunely visited him the same eve- 
ning, and to whom he related the circumstances of 
the case, with all the attendant difficulties. 

Mr. Peacock was a little, hatchet-faced, pock- 
marked, jovial looking fellow, with red whiskers, 
and bandy legs. He had wielded the birch over 
the young natives of Turkey town for several years 
with much reputation, and was generally reputed 
to possess great wisdom. What was of more im- 
portance, he actually had a small share of common 
sense, which was the very thing the doctor’s coun- 
cils at this conjuncture stood particularly in need of. 

‘‘Whew!” exclaimed Mr. Augustus Peacock, 
snapping his finger and thumb, and throwing out 
his left leg, when the doctor had concluded his 
statement, “it is as clear as daylight — the lady fair 
is in love with you, my friend; you should have 
recommended her to conjugate the verb amo, and 
helped her out with it.” 

“In love with me!” cried the doctor, in the ut- 
most astonishment. 

“Aye is she,” said Mr. Peacock, “she’ll have 
you, that’s certain.” 

“Have me! spirit of Galen! how will she have 
me?” 

“ How! why she will marry you.” 


98 


DR. POST AND 


‘‘ Spirit of Galen ! she wont marry me, will she?’^ 

“ Why, not without you will marry her, I pre- 
sume,’^ replied Mr. Peacock. 

‘‘But do you think she will ask me?” said the 
doctor. 

“That is uncertain,” answered the pedagogue, 
“she is now probably waiting for you to ask her, 
which undoubtedly would be preferable, as being 
more in accordance with the usual practice in such 
cases. A lady fair may, nevertheless, ask a gen- 
tleman, indirectly, as it were, that is, by throwing 
out such hints as you have already received.” 

“ But if, after this, the gentleman does not ask 
the lady, what consequences are liable to result?” 
inquired the doctor. 

“ In that case,” said his adviser, “ the lady some- 
times pines away and dies of a broken heart; some- 
times her mind becomes deranged, and she is sent 
to the hospital; but these effects are not always 
produced, for, in some instances, she appears to suf- 
fer very little, and only falls in love with some one 
else. You will observe that the result depends in 
a great measure upon various contingencies, which 
you, as a medical man, are probably better acquaint- 
ed with than I am.” 

“ Upon the temper, disposition, and degree of 
attachment,” said the doctor; “I see it all, but 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


99 


what shall I do? the widow lady has treated me 
very kindly.” 

“Then why not marry, and make her happy?” 
said Mr. Peacock: ^‘marriage is in itself an excel- 
lent ordinance, and is even enjoined on us by scrip- 
ture, to the end that the race of man shall be per- 
petuated, and the population of the earth increased. 
Besides, it is conformable to the practice of all 
nations, both in ancient and modern times; there 
being no part of the world where it is not, and has 
not always been, customary for the inhabitants to 
take to themselves wives under some one form or 
other. If I have not complied with it yet, it is 
not my fault, I can assure you. It is not every day 
we meet with such opportunities. Jacob toiled 
seven years for his Rachel, and seven more for her 
sister; think of that!” 

“I have never taken these matters into much 
consideration,” said the doctor, with a counte- 
nance expressing a ludicrous degree of perplexity; 
« wherefore, my much respected friend, I will rely 
me upon your judgment, and wed with the widow 
lady; since, as Mr. Peters says, and he is undoubt- 
edly the most philosophic man of our times, the 
imperfection of mankind is owing to the want of 
, combination amongst men. You, having knowledge 
of women, shall judge for me in things relating to 
their sex, whilst I, having some little knowledge 

I 


100 


DR. POST AND 


of hydrostatics and the healing art, will repay you 
with assistance in those sciences. Pity it is, that 
men are not divided into communities, where 
each one could bring to their councils only such 
qualification in which he is perfect, so that by the 
combination of perfect sentiments, perfect judg- 
ment should be elicited.’’ 

‘^Most magnanimously resolved,” cried the pe- 
dagogue. ‘‘Faith! if all my acquaintances were 
of your mind, I should soon look for the title of 
Cupid the second. Plato, you know, describes 
two, a celestial and terrestrial; I think, upon my 
soul, the terrestrial would do the better service. 
I’d match them, old and young, fair and homely; 
the torch of Hymen should burn bright during my 
reign, I assure you.” 

Chapter IV. 

The doctor^s perplexities increase — a learned 
ejnstolary correspondence upon the subject of 
asking and receiving in marriage. 

When the doctor had thus made up his mind to 
marry the widow, it did not immediately occur to 
him, that any thing further was necessary to carry 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


101 


the said resolution into effect; but after Mr. Pea- 
cock had departed, and he was left to his own re- 
flections, he soon found the subject encompassed by 
a variety of difficulties. He remembered, in par- 
ticular, that the lady was yet to be asked, and of 
the proper and ordinary methods of doing this, he 
was utterly ignorant. He supposed that it was, of 
course, to be done by rule, like other things, but 
of all the books he had ever read*, he could not re- 
collect a single one that contained it. Under these 
circumstances, he prayed most devoutly, that hea- 
ven would vouchsafe to enlighten his mind upon 
this perplexing subject; but his religious exercises 
had little other effect than to put him in mind of 
two or three old romances, which had lain for se- 
veral years amongst the cobwebs behind his book- 
case as useless rubbish. He now thought he might 
perhaps extract from them the grand secret of 
making love, and, crawling out of bed, he col- 
lected them together, and spent the remainder of 
the day in their perusal, but found nothing satis- 
factory. As a last resource, he then determined to 
apply once more to his learned counsel in female 
matters, Mr. Peacock, and, sitting down to his 
writing table, he indited the following billet. 

Much esteemed Sir, 

Since the conversation we had together this even- 


102 


DR. POST AND 


ing, certain doubts and difficulties have arisen in 
my mind, concerning the form and manner in 
which a gentleman should ask of a lady to unite 
herself with him in the holy bands of matrimony; 
atid considering that so solemn and important a 
question — for I have often heard it urged by Mr. 
Peters, that the action of marriage, or the taking to 
oneself a wife, is, next to his birth, the most im- 
portant event that can befall a man during the 
whole course of his mortal existence: inasmuch as 
from birth to marriage he is single in the literal 
sense of the word, having but his own will, and his 
own wants to provide for; but, after marriage, he 
becomes double, as it were, and is thenceforth en- 
dued with two minds and two bodies. This, I am 
convinced, is a much more plausible theory than 
that which some superficial persons have promul- 
gated, viz. that by matrimonial union, the two 
minds and two bodies become blended into one. 
Wherefore, I have thought that so solemn and im- 
portant a question, should not be agitated without 
the usual and fitting formalities; and, accordingly, 
I have been tasking my memory, but in vain, to 
reveal to me a formula suitable to such cases, or the 
place where such formula is to be found recorded. 

I have also consulted two of those light and fri- 
,volous works called romances, (which fact I am 
almost ashamed to own to you,) but, as might have 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


103 


been expected, 1 have derived no information there- 
from that could be reasonably considered applica- 
ble, since, although the persons whose fictitious 
lives and wanderings are there related, did ask and 
receive in marriage, the whole operations were con- 
ducted under circumstances essentially varying 
from those which subsist between myself and the 
widow lady. In some cases the virgins, (for I have 
seen no mention of widows,) would tumble into 
creeks and mill-ponds, whereupon some adventur- 
ous youth who happened to be standing upon the 
banks, would plunge in to their rescue. In others, 
robbers or banditti would lie in wait to fall upon 
the damsel, just as some valiant knight, who chanced 
to be riding along the same road, should come with- 
in hearing of her cries; and he coming to her deli- 
verance, the two, after many troubles, have fallen 
in love, and thereafter married. These cases, then, 
bear no affinity to the one under our consideration, 
unless the widow lady could be induced to fall, as 
it were by accident, into the mill-race at our vil- 
lage, in which case, as I bethink me, I learned the 
art of swimming when a youth, the ceremony 
might be performed with safety. Upon this point, 
however, I am desirous to have your valuable Coun- 
sel and assistance, as, of my own will, I should pre- 
fer some other formulae, if there be any such in use. 

Pray return me an answer to this note as soon 

I 2 


104 


DR. POST AND 


as it may comport with your leisure and conveni- 
ence. Any information upon such other points as 
may occur to your mind, relating to the ceremonies 
of asking and receiving in marriage, will be receiv- 
ed with much thankfulness by your obliged friend, 
Leviticus Stubbs. 

Postscriptum.^1 have also to remark, that since 
your departure, I have experienced at times a con- 
siderable irritation of my arterial system, amount- 
ing almost to febrile excitement. Also a curious 
itching sensation in various parts of the body, but 
particularly in the region of the great toe; and as 
the integuments of my scalp are i)pw nearly healed, 
it has occurred to me that these might possibly be 
symptoms of the affection called love. 

Having sealed and directed this sagacious piece 
of composition, he despatched a negro boy with it 
to Turkey town, and his correspondent being equally 
prompt, he received next day the following answer: 

To Dr. Leviticus Stubbs, 4’C. ^'C. 

My dear Amicus, 

I entirely agree with you, that the ceremony of 
demanding in marriage should always be accompa- 
nied by the proper formalities; and this, for the 
reasons you have so accurately mentioned. I shall, 
therefore, without further circumlocution, proceed, 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


105 


according to your request, to put down such hints 
for your guidance, as my limited information will 
enable me. These formalities vary in different 
nations, and are simple or complicated, according to 
the different degrees of civilization to which those 
nations have attained. Amongst some tribes of 
savages, for instance, the young man goes to the 
tent or cabin, where such female as he has deter- 
mined upon may reside, and after recounting his 
achievements in war or in hunting, in order to create 
a favourable impression, he takes a small chip or 
bone and throws it into her lap. If she receives it, 
it is considered equivalent to an acceptance of his 
addresses, and measures are entered into accord- 
ingly; but if she throws it from her, there is an 
end to the vvhole business. 

This is the ceremony as practised amongst rude 
and uncultivated savages, but as in a more enlight- 
ened community, such a method would be con- 
sidered futile and ridiculous, we are constrained to 
adopt others less simple and more rational. Those 
in use amongst ourselves at present, may be con- 
sidered as having been derived through our Euro- 
pean ancestors from the times of chivalry, which 
were distinguished as much by respect and reve- 
rence towards the female character, as by high-souled 
generosity and valour. I shall endeavour to furnish 
you with an accurate account of the formula which 


106 


DR. POST AND 


I consider best, and in order to render it perfectly 
easy to your comprehension, I will divide it into 
five parts or actions. 

The gentleman having pitched upon a lady, pays 
his addresses to her; that is, he visits her frequently, 
and by assiduous attention in informing her of the 
state of the w’eather, in carrying her fan, and in 
other offices of the like nature, strives to render 
himself agreeable. Commonly, after the expiration 
of a certain period of time, which varies in differ- 
ent cases, he supposes he has created the desired 
impression, and seizes upon a favourable opportu- 
nity to commence the ceremony as follows: 

The parties being private, the gentleman takes 
hold of the lady^s hand and gently compresses it 
in his own; which is the first action. 

He then — supposing she makes no very violent 
resistance — conveys it to his lips. This constitutes 
the second action, and particular attention should 
be had to its effects, for an indication may now al- 
most certainly be had of the final success of the ap- 
plication. If the lady averts her head, and parti- 
cularly if she looks down and sighs, the case is al- 
most certain, and you should lose no time in per- 
forming the third action, which consists in 

Stating your love, and soliciting her to acknow- 
ledge that your attentions are not disagreeable. 
This is by some called making a declaration, and 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 107 

by Others, popping the. question. In most instances, 
after the third action, the lady remains quiescent, 
or, at most, utters but a sigh. When this is the 
case, the gentleman slides gracefully down from 
the chair or sofa on which he has been sitting, and 
resting upon one knee, makes some such speech as 
this. “Cruel and most obdurate fair one! your 
charms have annihilated my senses, and I can per- 
ceive that your barbarity will be contented with 
nothing less than my life. Speak then, I conjure 
you! speak, and end this horrible suspense ; speak, 
and give utterance to the word which is to grant 
me unutterable joy, or consign me at once to end- 
less and inexpressible despair.’^ 

This forms the fourth action, and generally suc- 
ceeds; for if the Words be pronounced with pro- 
per pathos, there are very few females who can re- 
sist them. Should she prove obdurate, however, 
there remains the fifth and last action, thus : 

Tear open your shirt collar, and conjure her to 
stab you to the heart, and put an end to a life her 
cruelty has rendered so miserable. In former times, 
it was usual in this part of the performance for the 
gentleman to present the lady with his dagger, but 
as private persons do not now wear arms, this cus- 
tom has gradually come to be dispensed with. And, 
indeed, it is the less necessary, as the lady is com- 
monly provided with a bodkin, or a pair of sharp 


108 


DR. POST AND 


pointed scissors, which would answer the purpose 
equally well, if she was so bloody-minded as to 
take the gentleman at his word. 

Should all this prove unsuccessful, as I must con- 
fess has heretofore happened in my own case, I am 
of opinion, that the gentleman should button up his 
shirt collar, and then go home, and, after properly 
strapping his razor, shave himself. The operation 
is a great comfort' in these unfortunate cases. 

I have been thus minute, my dear friend, be- 
cause I am persuaded you are now in a situation 
similar to one I was once in myself. The urgency 
of the case induced me to study the art of making 
love with much assiduity, and the above is the sum 
of the information I have been able to collect from 
various sources. The length of this letter preter- 
mits the present consideration of the other points 
alluded to in your last; and with regard to the pain 
in your great toe, I can scarcely make up my mind, 
whether it most resembles love or the dyspepsy. I 
am also of opinion that the expedient of the mill- 
race is not in this case feasible. 

For ever, your humble servant. 

And obsequious friend, 

Augustus Peacock. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


109 


When doctor Post had read this learned epistle 
twice, he shook his head three times, and set about 
committing the five actions to memory. 


Chapter V. 

How the doctor^ s troubles are augmented by the 
perversity of the widow; insomuch that he is 
finally obliged to tie up his clothes in a pocket 
handkerchief and flee the country. 

The progress of an affair of love, is very often 
much like that of a wagon drawn by a couple of 
balky^horses. When the driver, by means of gee- 
hupping and cracking his cart-whip for half an hour, 
succeeds in inducing the near animal to go forward, 
the devil a step will the other budge ; and by the 
time the refractory steed can be put in motion, his 
companion changes his mind, and stands as stiff as 
a gate post. Now, Mrs. Peweetle, who, to follow 
up the simile, had hitherto pulled alone, no sooner 
perceived a corresponding disposition begin to ma- 
nifest itself in the doctor, than she at once clapped 
her back against the vehicle, and left him to tug at 
it as he best might. Had she not, indeed, actually 
resisted, things would still have gone on well 
enough, for the doctor, honest fellow! would never 


110 


DR. POST AND 


have discovered whether the machine moved back- 
wards or forwards, provided he could only have suc- 
ceeded in performing the schoolmaster’s five ac- 
tions. These constituted, in his opinion, the cream 
of the whole business, at least he took it for grant- 
ed, they were essential and necessary prelimina- 
ries, and prepared to go through them with as much 
precision and gravity as he would have displayed 
in mixing a bottle of julap. 

Mrs. Peweetle, with all her experience, was at 
fault, when she first observed the change in his man- 
ners, and had she not discovered that his queue was 
tied up with a new riband, would have been puz- 
zled extremely, to tell whether he was labouring 
under a fit of love or the colic. But, when at 
length, he appeared in a red plush waistcoat, which 
had not seen the light for many a long day before, 
she was fully convinced that the fish was caught, 
and, as it had cost her some trouble in the hooking, 
she determined to play him awhile for her own 
amusement. 

With this reasonable view, when he upon three 
several occasions took hold of her hand, she had a 
peremptory call to my aunt’s parlour; then was 
obliged to attend to the ducks and chickens ; and 
lastly, she accidently overturned a basin of hot 
broth, and spoiled both the red waistcoat, and his 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


11 


best pair of satin breeches. This last exploit did 
the business. 

‘‘Spirit of Galen!” ejaculated the doctor, taking 
down ajar of basilicon; but the ingredients in this 
very pot of ointment were not more inseparably 
mixed and compounded, than the ideas which 
floated about in his brain, when he made the excla- 
mation. “Spirit of Galen!” said he, and shook 
his head and satin breeches alternately. The case 
was too deep for him, however, and though the 
spirit thus invoked might have been standing at his 
elbow, he had nothing to say to it. 

The only way I have to explain this fact, is, that 
all his sensations, and perceptions, and conceptions, 
came rushing at once to present themselves to his 
notice, hustling and jumbling each other about in 
such a tumultuous manner that it was impossible to 
make head or tail of any of them. 

He, therefore, did nothing but shake his head 
until he had anointed the wounded parts, and then 
sat himself down to read the Bible. This, upon 
such perplexing occasions, is undoubtedly an ex- 
cellent resource, but, in this particular instance, the 
application proved unfortunate; for, as fate would 
have it, he turned directly to that remarkable verse, 
which mentions four things, that were too wonder- 
ful even for Agur, the son of Jakeh, viz. “the way of 
an eagle in the air, the way of a serpent upon a 

E 


112 


DR. POST AND 


rock, the way of a ship in the midst of the sea, and 
the way of a man with a maid/^ 

When he had got these additional wonders in his 
head, he shook it more than ever, but with no bet- 
ter effect. He closed the book, and paced up and 
down the apartment until supper-time — swallowed a 
cup of tea, and then walked again; finally he tum- 
bled into bed, and dreamed of widows and maids, 
and gallipots, and eagles, and eight-ounce syringes, 
until daylight, when he arose, and taking from his 
chest seven shirts, two pair of breeches, and sundry 
other articles, which he tied up in a pocket hand- 
kerchief, sallied out, and betook himself to the road. 

Great was the surprise of the family when the 
doctor’s elopement was discovered, and many opi- 
nions and conjectures were hazarded as to the cause. 
The only one, however, we think it necessary to 
record, w'as that of Mrs. Peweetle, who declared it 
was altogether inexplicable. She had often heard 
of young gentlemen eloping with their sweethearts, 
but to run away by himself, it was out of all rea- 
son. ‘^But they are a queer set, these men,” con- 
tinued the lady, “ there is no kind of use in attempt- 
ing to account for any thing they do. I’m sure it 
will be a long time before I have any thing more 
to do with them: I have had one in my time, and 
one is quite enough for a reasonable woman.” 
These observations were made in the presence of 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


11 


my uncle and aunt, but as they unfortunately did 
not happen to suit the humour of either, one utter- 
ed pish! and the other pshaw! upon which the con- 
versation wasdropped. 

Doctor Post, in the meantime, having walked 
about half a mile, stopped upon the summit of a 
small hill, from whence he could perceive the ha- 
bitation he had left, and the smoke which was just 
beginning to ciirl over the trees that surrounded it. 
He shook his head violently at the prospect, and 
then went forward upon his journey. A short dis- 
tance further the road divided, and he was about 
to take that branch which led by the dwelling of 
the parson, and, consequently, the place where he 
had met with his accident; but from some unplea- 
sant association of ideas arising in his mind, he was 
led to reflect that he had no particular reason to 
prefer one road to another, and he therefore took 
that which led in an opposite direction. He then 
cut a convenient stick from a neighbouring hedge, 
which he inserted through the knot of his bundle, 
and placed upon his shoulder; and next set to cal- 
culating two very important questions which oc- 
curred to him, viz. why he had run away, and 
whither he was going. 

The result of the first he intended to communi- 
cate to doctor Lavender by letter, upon the first 
convenient opportunity, and he accordingly went 


114 


DU. POST AND 


to work so earnestly, that by the time he had tra- 
velled eight or ten miles, he had so far investigated 
the subject, that he was only in doubt whether that 
event had been caused by a ‘‘ concatenation of inex- 
plicable circumstances, relating to the ceremony of 
asking and receiving in marriage;’’ or otherwise, 
<‘by some obscure and hidden imperfection in the 
form and nature of the five actions now in use.” 

Now, the greatest logician in the world, even 
Locke or Helvetius, could not have unravelled so 
subtile and intricate a question, without putting the 
whole of their mental powers in requisition ; in 
which case, that portion being abstracted which is 
usually employed in the management of the seven 
senses, the body is necessarily left to take care of 
itself. For this reason, the doctor had no leisure 
to look either to the right or left, or to pick his 
path as travellers usually do, but went straight on- 
wards, regardless of wheel ruts or mud puddles, as 
well as all other inequalities of the road. The car- 
ters with their teams, and the school children with 
their dinner baskets on their arms, stopped to gaze 
after him, but his progress was not interrupted un- 
til he had just arrived at the two conclusions above 
stated, when his meditations were broken by a loud 
voice, that exclaimed, close by him — 

‘^Messmate ahoy! put your helm a starboard, or 
by G — d you’ll run into us.” 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


115 


Aroused by this extraordinary address, he look- 
ed up, and beheld, immediately before him, an odd 
kind of man in appearance, mounted upon a black 
horse. The rear of the latter was resting in an an- 
gle of the fence, and his body projected across the 
path. As soon as the rider perceived that our tra- 
veller had opened his eyes, he addressed or rather 
hailed him thus: 

You should keep a better look-out ahead, neigh- 
bour; but come, heave to, and lend us the use of 
your groglapper. You see we have been taken 
aback, and 1 was obliged to put in here with this 
damned craft of mine to stop her stern way. Where 
are you bound, pray?” 

The doctor looked at his interrogator, first with 
one eye and then with the other, as the saying is, 
or, in plainer English, with some fear, surprise and 
suspicion. The stranger was a thickset, stout, mus- 
cular man, with black eyes, and an enormous pair 
of whiskers. The doctor would have been fright- 
ened excessively, had it not been for the shape of 
his nose, which was turned up at the end, in the 
manner said by physiognomists to be indicative of 
good humour. The doctor was something of a con- 
noisseur in that science, and upon this hook on the 
stranger’s proboscis, he accordingly hung his hopes, 
whilst he mustered courage enough to state that he 
was a poor practitioner of medicine 

K 2 


116 


Dll. POST AND 


Here he was interrupted by the equestrian, who 
desired to know whether by practitioner he meant 
doctor; and being answered in the affirmative, he 
immediately alighted from his horse, and after be- 
stowing upon the animal some hearty kicks, took 
down a portion of the fence, and turned him into 
the adjacent meadow. He then approached our 
pedestrian, and taking hold of his hand, shook it 
with nearly as much roughness as good will, whilst 
he declared with more oaths than we shall care to 
repeat, that he was the very man he had been cruis- 
ing for. ^^You must go with me to my cabin on 
yonder hill,’^ continued he, pointing to a farm 
house at no great distance, “ for my old shipmate, 
Tom Ratlin, is laid up with a brush of the colic, and 
I. would not lose him for both the Indies. With 
this speech he seized the doctor by the arm, and 
set forward across the fields, with a speed propor- 
tionate to the urgency of the occasion. The latter 
had sense enough to perceive, that resistance would 
be altogether vain, was he even disposed to make 
any, and, though he was not more than half pleased 
with his convoy, he submitted with a good grace. 
As the conversation they held together during this 
short walk did not happen to be of much import- 
ance, we shall in lieu of it endeavour to entertain 
the reader with a brief account of this new person- 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


117 


age, who has thus thrust hiraself into the body of 
our narrative. 



Chapter VI. 

In which the reader is made more particularly 
acquainted with the ingenuous captain Cut- 
water, and his friend Tom Ratlin. The doc- 
tor arrives in time to prevent the colic from 
going off of its own accord, which secures him 
the good graces of his host. 

Captain Cutwater, for such was the stranger’s 
name and title, was sometime after this period well 
known to the inhabitants of Turkey town, as one of 
the most noisy, blustering, liberal, good natured, odd 
sort of fellows that ever appeared amongst them. 
His usual equipments of a white hat with a black 
band, and a blue round about jacket garnished with 
an unusual plenitude of buttons’, and trowsers of 
the same colour, were to the full as familiar and as 
much noticed by the villagers as the capacious sad- 
dle-bags of doctor Post. He had been brought up 
a seaman, but having a )^ear or two back made a 
fortunate speculation, by which he realized a sum 
sufficient to render him independent, he purchased 


118 


DR. POST AND 


a snug farm, and, in conjunction with his old mate 
and companion, Tom Ratlin, set up housekeeping. 

Here,’’ said the captain, “ we will lie snug for the 

rest of our lives, and d n me, Tom! it shall be 

your business to keep the vessel in trim, and attend 
to the stock, the camboose, and the grog lockers, for 
I intend, after thirty years buffeting with the winds 
and waters, to treat myself during the few that 
may yet remain, with uninterrupted rest and quiet- 
ness.” 

The honest captain enjoyed his rest and quiet- 
ness for about a fortnight, with as much gusto as 
any other theoretical votary of solitude, but at the 
end of that time he began to consider this manner 
of living but little better than a calm atseaj and af- 
ter regulating his own domestic affairs, and as many 
of his neighbours’ as would allow of his interfer- 
ence, he would certainly have died of mere ennui, 
had not Tom conceived a lucky expedient to raise 
a breeze. He effected this by means of a ‘light- 
wagon,’ such as is used for pleasure in New Jersey, 
in which the two worthies, by dint of driving like 
Jehu over the country, and capsizing once or twice 
a week, contrived to have a pretty pleasant, bus- 
tling kind of time of it. 

It so happened, that on the morning that doctor 
Post began his travels, Tom was seized with a fit 
of the colic, and the captain’s horse having trotted 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


119 


briskly down to the gate of his pasture ground, 
notwithstanding, (or probably not understanding) 
the urgency of the case, most obstinately refused 
to proceed a step further, so that, had it not been 
for this lucky rencontre, the colic must have gone 
oflf without the benefit of science. 

Upon entering the house, the captain command- 
ed a negro boy, whom they met upon the stairs, to 
go below and turn out the contents of the lockers, 
and without further delay conducted the practi- 
tioner to the bedchamber of the patient. ‘‘Here, 
Tom,’^ said he, “ I have brought the doctor to look 
over your timbers; heave out, my old boy, and we’ll 
have you in trim again in the twigging of a bowlin.” 

“Aye, aye, sir,” answered Tom, and casting off 
the coverlet, he submitted to the doctor’s investi- 
gation, a body, that for size and muscular appear- 
ance, might have answered for Pelides himself. “I 
never was on the doctor’s list but once before,” 
said he, “and that was when I caught the fever at 
St. Jago”— 

^ Aye, that’s a damned hole; many a pretty fel- 
low hate been brought up there with a round turn,” 
interrupted the captain. 

“You may well say that,” replied Tom, “there 
was seven of our crew — poor fellows! they are rot- 
ting amongst them cursed Spaniards and land crabs 
to this day. If I had had my will, they should have 


120 


DR. POST AND 


been buried as a sailor ought, in a hammock, with 
a cannon ball at each end of it. If I should hap- 
pen to keel over, this bout, let my grave be twen- 
ty fathoms of green water.’^ 

‘‘Well, well,^^ cried the captain, “old death 
shall not put his claw on you this many a day yet; 
so tell the doctor your complaint, and let him go 
to work.’’ 

“ I believe it is owing to bad stowage,” said Tom, 
“for when a man is not on allowance of water, he 
is naturally apt to put too much in his grog, which 
is exactly the same as taking in more dunnage than 
cargo, and it is no wonder if the vessel is crank.” 
With this ingenious explanation, the honest tar pre- 
sented his wrist to the doctor, and, as that worthy 
never travelled without a small stock of medicines 
in his pocket book, he was enabled to administer a 
dose to the patient, who, as soon as they left the 
room,, washed it down with a gill of brandy. 

When they descended into the parlour, which 
was arranged as nearly after the fashion of a ship’s 
cabin, as its terrestrial situation would admit of, the 
doctor found a table covered with decanters, con- 
taining various kinds of liquors, as well as a loaf of 
bread, and the better half of a fine Goshen cheese. 
The exercise of walking, despite of love and per- 
plexities, had givei) him an excellent appetite, and 
he fell to work upon the latter articles with so much 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


121 


good will, that the captain could not help express- 
ing his surprise. He was still more astonished, 
when the doctor (who had no idea of keeping a 
secret) related his flight, and the causes which had 
led to it. /‘Here, you damned powder-monkey,” 
cried he to the negro, “ run below, and rouse out a 
cold ham, and an apple-pie — boze away! and tell 
the cook to make half a gallon of coffee, and put a 
chicken or two on the gridiron, don^t you see the 
gentleman has, had no breakfast!” — “and, hark ye, 
doctor,” he continued, interrupting him in an at- 
tempt to countermand these extensive orders, “ as 
I can’t see that you are bound for any particular 
port, you shall remain here until Tom gets on his 
legs again, and we will then see what can be done 
in this business. For myself, I can’t say that I 
have much knowledge of women’s gear, but Tom is 
a devil of a fellow amongst the petticoats.” 

“I fear he would have but little success in this 
case,” quoth the doctor, “inasmuch as the mea- 
sures I pursued were recommended by Mr. Au- 
gustus Peacock, whp is a man well acquainted with 
the manners and customs of the females, and withal 
has a considerable knowledge of the classics.” 

“Never fear,” answered the captain, “Tom 
knows his classics, too, Pll warrant him, if they 
have any thing to do with the women. Why, man, 
he has been in love with some one or other ever 


122 


DR. POST AND 


since he was big enough to handle a swab, to my 
knowledge. And now, as you seem to have laid 
a sufficient stock in your bread room, what shall 
we do for a little motion? Shall we strike our 
course down to the meadows on foot, or drive for 
an hour or two in the wagon. Any thing to be 
moving.’’ 

The doctor preferred a walk in the meadows, 
and thither they accordingly went; where, whilst 
the captain amused himself in rallying the mowers, 
or lounging with his dogs under a tree, he employed 
himself very agreeably in catching lizards, which 
were so numerous, that^before dinner-time he se- 
cured enough to set out a quart bottle with all the 
different varieties. 

In the meanwhile, either his medicine or the 
brandy with which it had been qualified, had ope- 
rated so effectually, that on their return Tom was 
found completely cured. Thus the doctor received 
great credit for his skill, and his new acquaintances 
pressed him so warmly to remain with them until 
his troubles with the widow lady should be adjust- 
ed, that he could not find it in his heart to refuse 
them. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


123 


Chapter VII. 

The doctor domesticates himself at the Cabin-— 
is forgotten at TurJeeytown — a memorable ex- 
cursion in a light-wagon; and some curious 
discourses upon love and other ^natters. 

Whilst doctor Post was thus domesticating him- 
self with his new friends, Rumour, with her hun- 
dred tongues, was making very free with his charac- 
ter at Turkey town. Some of those benevolent 
persons who prefer attending to any one’s business 
rather than their own, had circulated the report of 
his elopement with Wonderful celerity; but as none 
of them knew his reason for going, or where he 
had gone to, and were at the same time unwilling 
to appear ignorant of these important particulars, 
their accounts differed very widely from each other. 
I shall not, however, trouble the reader with a list 
of the numerous opinions that were related as facts 
on this occasion, since they were as various as the 
imaginations of their authors, and could serve no 
useful purpose in the prosecution of my history. 
Mrs. Peweetle, whatever might have been her 
thoughts, kept them entirely to herself, or com- 
municated them only to Mr. Peacock, with whom 
she held several long conferences, though there is 
some reason to suspect that their conversation was 

L 


124 


DR. POST AND 


not entirely confined to this subject. The only 
persons besides these two, who may be supposed to 
have felt any real concern for the unfortunate run- 
away, were doctor Lavender and my father, and 
as neither of these could find any clue to the mys- 
tery, they soon gave up the attempt, and endeavour- 
ed tb reconcile themselves to the loss. Doctor 
Lavender carried his saddle-bags himself, and my 
father found new disciples wherever he could; in 
fine, the edges of slander and curiosity were worn 
off in a few days, and doctor Post was forgotten by 
every body, or only remembered in connexion 
with the events of by-gone times. Thus it is with 
us all, ‘‘out of sight. Out of mind,’^ is a proverb 
that will generally hold good the world over. Our 
regards and affections spring from selfishness, and 
can only be kept alive whilst the object of them is 
present to administer to our gratifications. As to 
the fugitive himself, he had no pretensions to that 
vivid sensibility which is the source of so many 
pleasures and griefs to others, and he probably knew 
little and thought still less of the reports that were 
circulating at his expense. Still, he was so far re- 
moved from the only sphere for which he was adapt- 
ed, and the only habits which custom had rendered 
natural and familiar were so broken up, that he 
could not be happy. What his precise sentiments 
were with respect to the widow lady, as he called 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


125 


her, it would be very difficult to tell, for he never 
could fathom them himself. He had so puzzled and 
perplexed his brain with ‘Hhe ceremonies of asking 
and receiving in marriage,’’ that it is probable he 
never could find leisure to think of any thing else. 
During his stay at, Tartar Hall, for so the captain 
was pleased to denominate his residence, his man- 
ners and conversation were a continual source of 
astonishment to the other inmates; for as they had 
never before met with a similar character, they 
were entirely at a loss what to make of him. In 
the course of a few days he had conveyed to his 
chamber the greatest part of the skeleton of an old 
horse, which he had discovered somewhere in the 
woods, together with a variety of turtle shells and 
such like curiosities, and the partitions he had or- 
namented with some scores of butterflies and other 
insects, fastened there by thrusting pins through 
their bodies. By these means, if he had remained 
a few weeks longer at the Hall, he would perhaps 
have rendered his new apartment as comfortable as 
the one he had left at Turkeytown; but the fates or- 
dained it otherwise. 

One afternoon, after spending an idle and tedious 
day, the captain and Tom proposed a cruise in their 
favourite vehicle, the light-wagon; and the doctor, 
though he could not see much sense in riding for 
pleasure,^ was prevailed upon to accompany them. 


126 


DR. POST AND 


The steeds were accordingly harnessed, and Tom^ 
assuming the reins, drove off at the rate of about 
ten knots an hour. After proceeding a couple of 
miles, the captain suddenly desired him to relate 
the history of his loves over again, that Tom, after 
being made fully acquainted with the true state of 
the case, might be enabled to pass his judgment on 
the measures necessary to be pursued hereafter. 

Not being particularly fluent, except upon sub- 
jects in relation to which his brain was filled with 
my father’s conceits, nor accustomed to consult upon 
serious matters when riding rapidly over a rough 
road in a carriage without springs; it was terribly 
annoying to the doctor, that captain Cutwater should 
have chosen such an unseasonable time to consider 
the most perplexing affair he had ever met with. 
Never did lovelorn swain tell his story at greater 
disadvantage; it seemed as if the driver took especial 
pains to pick his way over every stone in the road 
— the words bolted out by one, two, and three at a 
time, and with such a variety of incongruous tones, 
that whilst he afforded infinite amusement to his 
two counsellors, the dignity of philosophy was alto- 
gether set at defiance. At last, when he had made 
shift with much difficulty to get through with it, 
he was obliged to resort to his usual remedy when 
in trouble, and shook his head most violently. 

“ Now, Tom,” said the captain, tapping his fore- 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


i2r 

head significantly, as he spoke, let the gentleman 
have the benefit of your experience; what shall he 
do to win the widow lady?^^ 

Do!” replied the party addressed, <^why let 
him throw overboard them five actions that he talks 
so much about; I never could see any use in laying 
off and on in that manner. If you play round them 
in that way, the little devils will lead you a chase 
for a week, or a month, or may be two; and what 
is a poor fellow to do then, who is only on shore 
about half that time from one voyage to another. 
No, no,” continued he, cracking his whip, to give 
the assertion sufficient emphasis, ‘^the best plan is 
to run boldly alongside like a privateer, and grap- 
ple them at once.” 

‘‘But do you not find, Mr. Ratlin, that the feel- 
ings of the females revolt against the violence of 
that system?” said the doctor. 

‘^here is no violence in it, sir, nothing but 
love,” said Tom. 

“ What then do you hold the essence of love to 
consist in?” inquired the doctor. 

“ Why, hem! I don’t know what the essence is,” 
replied Tom, “ but I always understood love to be 
a kind of drawing, sir, by which God Almighty 
causes a man and woman to drift together as natu- 
rally as two ships in a calm.” 

^‘Now, here is an instance that proves precisely 

L 2 


128 


DH. POST AND 


the contrary,’^ cried the doctor, whose argumenta- 
tive zeal began to get the better of rough roads and 
every thing else; the love between myself and the 
widow lady has not had the effect of drawing us to- 
gether, but exactly the reverse; it has pushed us 
asunder; and, therefore, will I hold and maintain, 
that the essence of love is not a drawing, but a push- 
ing.” 

This lucky hit delighted the doctor excessively, 
for he had by it, as he thought, not only knocked 
down the hypothesis of the experienced Mr. Tho- 
mas Ratlin, but also raised up a perfectly new one 
of his own; which with him was not an every day 
occurrence. He had hitherto taken up with the 
second rate honour of supporting those of my father, 
and often envied him his happy faculty for build- 
ing systems out of nothing. He accordingly re- 
solved that this new principle should henceforth 
form one of the most fundamental axioms oP^his 
philosophy, chuckling not a little in anticipation of 
the admiration with which it would undoubtedly 
be received by the first of modern sages. But, 
then, again, came a melancholy reflection; when 
would it be in his power to make the communica- 
tion? and this brought him back again to his diffi- 
culties in relation to the widow, which for the time 
had entirely escaped his memory. He thus, to 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


129 


use the words of the mad old bard of Avon, con** 
tinued, 

“Chewing the cud of sweet and bitter fancy,” 
whilst Tom and his superior officer continued the 
conversation between them. 

<< I do not know,” said the former, with a grin, 
whether it be a drawing or a pushing; it may be 
both; but of this I am sure, that whenever one of 
the dear creatures comes in sight, it is sure to warp 
me alongside of her.” 

^<That I can testify,” said the captain, ^^and now 
I remember, Tom, when we were hauling off in the 
stream, the Tartar’s second voyage, what a tender 
scene you had upon the wharf” — 

‘‘That was with Moll Dowling,” said Tom. 
“Did I never tell you the story of poor Moll?” 

't‘I believe not,” said the captain; “but if you 
have, you may tell it over again if it is a good one.” 

“Why, then, it begins thus,” said Tom, biting 
off a fresh quid of tobacco, and wiping away a tear 
that had started in his eye, with the corner of his 
coat sleeve. “ But, whenever I think of poor Moll, 
sir, there comes over me such a fit of melancholy 
— I never can tell it, sir, in a kindly way, unless it 
is by moonlight.” 

“ And why by moonlight?” said the captain. 
“That I have often wondered myself,” replied 
Tom; “ often, and often, when it has been my watch 


130 


DR. POST AND 


on deck, have I sat gazing upon the bright moon 
for hours, whilst her picture was dancing over the 
rippling waves, and playing up and down on our 
white sails, as they rose and descended with the 
swell, and wondered what it was, that seemed to 
come into my heart with such a soft and gentle in- 
fluence.’^ 

‘‘ You are getting quite sentimental, Tom,” said 
the captain, ‘‘but in good truth, the moon is a 
friendly planet, and I have often thought so, when 
in the midst of a storm, I have seen her break out 
for a moment from behind the black scudding clouds, 
just as if it was to put the poor sailor in mind that 
there was some one aloft to watch over and protect 
him.” 

“Ah!” said Tom, musing at the recollections 
which these observations inspired, “there was mu^ic 
in them times, but it’s all over now. Here we are 
laid up like old worm-eaten hulks, to rot on dry 
land, and we shall never again hear the wind wliis- 
tle, and see the big waves rolling along with their 
white caps.” 

“Now mounting up to the clouds, and now sink- 
ing again in the deep trough,” said the captain, 
taking up the theme with equal enthusiasm, “ and 
laying to in the eye of the wind, when the alba- 
tross and the sea-gull could not keep on the wing; 
with sails flapping and bursting into ten thousand 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


131 


pieces, and timbers creaking, and wild surges break- 
ing over the decks, loaded with foam and fire;’’-— • 

‘‘And the loud thunder,” said Tom, “rumbling 
and crashing over our heads, and the streaks of 
lightning that flash- over the scraggy clouds and 
the angry waters, and show them for a moment, 
mixing and heaving together, and then the black 
darkness that shuts them all up, and we can only 
hear the waves lashing against the ship’s sides, and 
feel ourselves lifted up and down, as one after an- 
other they pass beneath us.” 

“ Say no more, Tom, say no more,” cried the 
captain, “by G — d we must have another shipf 
we will see the blue waters again, my old boy.” 

At this moment Tom stretched his head and long 
neck out of the front of the wagon, and, after gaz- 
ing for a m oment very intently on something ahead, 
cried out, “ sail ho!” 

It may be necessary to observe, that, during this 
last colloquy between the captain and Tom, the re- 
collection of old times and old scenes, had so occu- 
pied their minds, that their fellow-traveller, the 
doctor, was entirely forgotten. The meditations 
of the latter were soon broken up, by observing 
that Tom, as soon as the name of Moll Dowling was 
mentioned, commenced twisting off huge pieces 
of tobacco, and applying the whip to his horses, 
alternately : both these actions were probably per- 


132 


DR. POST AND 


formed unconsciously with respect to himself, but 
not so to his steeds, which soon broke into a hard 
gallop. The doctor, already in great distres?, was 
now prodigiously frightened, and immediately be- 
gan to cry out, ‘‘I pray, Mr. Thomas! I beg, good 
Mr. Ratlin!’’ but his endeavours to draw the at- 
tention of that worthy were entirely vain, and the 
wagon began to whirl along so rapidly, that in a 
little time he ^vas altogether deprived of the power 
of utterance. They had, by this time, entered an 
extensive pine forest, and the road^ though narrow, 
became very level and sandy. Consequently there 
was not much apparent danger of accidents, until 
Tom cried out, “sail ho!” as before mentioned. 

“ What is he ?” asked the captain. 

“I don’t understand his rig,” said Tom, eyeing 
the object sharply — “ he seems to have all his spars 
and rigging stowed away on his quarters, and there’s 
something like a t’gallant forecastle — by G — d! he 
is making signals.” 

What Tom said was true, for, upon looking out, 
a curious non-descript kind of vehicle, that seem- 
ed to partake of the nature both of a gig and a cart, 
was perceived at some distance before them. The 
owner of it, seeing a carriage coming down upon 
him in such formidable style, had arisen upon his 
feet, and was making the most violent gesticula- 
tions towards them. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


133 


think we can weather him,’’ said the captain. 
As easily as Cape Cod, in a norwester,” replied 
Tom. 

‘‘ Steady as you go,” said the former. 

‘^Steady,” repeated the latter. 


Chapter VIII. 

The misfortunes of Mr. Trip^ an English tra- 
veller — the doctor offers his consolations, which 
are-refused, and a tremendous conflict takes 
place in the bottom of a farm wagon. 

The occupant of the unknowft vehicle, for we 
shall take the liberty to skip from one to the other 
as it suits our convenience, was a button maker 
from the famous and happy city of Manchester. 
Having by some means or other found his way 
across the Atlantic, he was travelling through the 
country, partly for the humane purpose of civilizing 
the natives; partly for another very good purpose, 
that of writing a book; and partly for the purpose 
of doing some little business in the way of specula- 
tion. Now, it was this very respectable person’s 
misfortune, that since his arrival on the shores of 
America, he had not met with one individual good 


134 


DR. POST AND 


thing of any description except his horse, which in 
consequence of his superior skill in jockyship he 
had purchased at a great bargain from a Yankee boy. 
But even Dobbin, after a few days’ driving, sud- 
denly became lame of one leg, blind of both eyes, 
and as old and poor as Lazarus; so that Mr. Trip 
was fully convinced of the truth of Buffon’s ob- 
servation, that all kinds of animals, from man 
downwards, are sure to degenerate on the western 
continent.” 

Such as he was, however, Dobbin was harnessed 
to a kind of sulkey, which supported, besides the 
seat of the driver, two or three large boxes (the 
same which Tom had taken for a t’-gallant fore- 
castle and bundles of spars) containing a sufficient 
supply of ale and Thames water, which the owner, 
not expecting to find any drinkable in America, 
had brought over for his own occasions. In this 
manner they were travelling along very quietly, 
when the light-wagon came in sight, and Mr. Trip 
finding, after a short trial, that his deprecating ges- 
tures had no effect in stopping its progress, became 
firmly impressed with the opinion, that it was the 
intention of the natives to run over, trample him 
down, and mash his body into ten thousand pieces. 
His only chance to avoid such a catastrophe, seemed 
to consist in outrunning the merciless savages; and 
accordingly deriving resolution from despair, he 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


135 


suddenly resumed his seat, and applying the lash 
to his horse, urged him off at the very top of his 
sjieed. 

Nothing could exceed the glee with which our 
two heroes beheld this unexpected manoeuvre. Tom 
inserted about six inches of pigtail into his capa- 
cious mouth, and cracking his whip, urged on his 
cattle still faster. For some moments the race ap- 
peared likely to be stoutly contested; the stern of 
the chaise now appearing, and now involved in 
clouds of dust, for the driver was not sparing of 
the lash; and his horse, which had been a spirited 
nag in his time, switched his tail, and scrabbled 
along on three legs so earnestly, and with such in- 
credible effort, that every muscle in his body seemed 
in danger of being cracked by such violent exer- 
tion. But, alas! poor Dobbin had been long off 
the oat list. The little wind he had was soon ex- 
pended, and the light-wagon began to gain upon 
him rapidly; and now it was, that the catastrophe 
so much dreaded by the traveller had well nigh 
happened; for, as the fates would have it, the two 
vehicles came together at a place where the passage 
was so much contracted by an unlucky stump 
which Tom had not observed, that in attempting 
to pass, the wheels became interlocked, and the 
Englishman’s equipage was capsized in an instant. 
Nor had the rival charioteers better success; for 


M 


136 


Dll. POST AND 


almost at the same moment the top of their wagon 
came into contact with the limb of a tree, which 
hurled it from the axles, and left our three worthies 
spinning upon their heads in the road. 

The captain and Tom, to whom such accidents 
were familiar enough, soon crawled out, and finding 
they had sustained little or no injury, set about re- 
lieving their companion. The doctor, who even 
before this accident had been nearly speechless, 
was now so stunned and frightened, that after lay- 
ing him upon his back on the ground, and sprink- 
ling his face with some muddy water, which one of 
them brought in his hat from a neighbouring ditch, 
they began to be seriously alarmed at this unex- 
pected termination of their frolic. The unlucky 
traveller, too, stood as much in need of assistance 
as the doctor, and they could think of no better 
expedient than to lift them both into a farm wagon, 
which fortunately came up at this time, and having 
some bundles of straw in the bottom, was well 
adapted for conveying them to the nearest village. 
In this manner, laid side by side, they were under 
charge of the captain and the wagoner’s boy, 
driving towards a neighbouring town, whilst the 
farmer assisted Tom in collecting and bringing after 
them the remnants of the broken carriages. 

Under no circumstances, perhaps, do people usu- 
ally have so much sympathy for each other, as when 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 137 

they happen to be sharers in the same misfortune. 
Two men nearly frightened to death, rolling and 
bumping against each other at every jolt in the 
bottom of a farm wagon, must have possessed hearts 
as hard as millstones if they had felt none. Now 
the doctor’s, to do him justice, was almost as soft 
as his head, and after he had come to a little, and 
grunted for awhile in chorus with his fellow suf- 
ferer, he began to feel so much interested in his 
fate, that forgetting his own misfortunes, he thought 
only of laying open his budget of comforts for the 
benefit of the luckless stranger. He accordingly 
opened his mouth, and spoke to this purpose, 
<‘My friend, whoever or whatever thou art, 
thou shouldst remember, that for all the evils of 
life, nature has provided suitable and efficacious 
remedies.- If thy sufferings are mental, call philo- 
sophy to thy aid, and she will not fail to relieve 
thee; if they are even corporeal, her assistance will 
still be invaluable, because all our sensations receive 
their complexion from the imagination. Let us 
not then consume the time in considering by what 
singular chance we have been thrown together in 
this situation, but rather make the most of those 
comforts which a beneficent genius has spread out 
so plentifully in every direction, that man, even in 
the bottom of an ox cart, (for such I take this to be) 
has only to stretch out his hand and grasp them. 


138 


DR. POST AND 


How easy is it, for instance, to imagine this straw 
a bed of down, and the interior of this cart a most 
comfortable chamber; and what is there to prevent 
you from enjoying it as such, whilst I, who am a 
practising physician, will gladly bestow such as- 
sistance as science and the art of medicine can af- 
ford.’’ 

These words were spoken in perfect sincerity, 
but the traveller, as far as he could understand 
them, thought they were intended to ridicule his 
distress. Who is it,” cried he in a rage, that 
thus dares to add insult to injury. Was it not 
enough to be robbed, and maimed, and bruised, 
and exposed to the most imminent danger of my 
life! 0! Timothy Trip,” he continued, apostro- 
phizing himself, ‘^0! Timothy, Timothy; why 
didst thou leave thine own incomparable country 
to wander amongst the barbarous inhabitants of this 
execrable land ! Fool that thou wast, not to take 
warning from the narratives of those worthy tra- 
vellers who have journied through this wilderness 
before thee; and who have described with such won- 
derful veracity and minuteness, their hairbreadth 
escapes, and the dangers to which a civilized being 
is every where exposed amongst the ferocious na- 
tives. Dolt ! to imagine, the savages w’ould have 
received thee with a joyful welcome, and gladly 
embraced the improvements in agriculture and the 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


139 


arts, thou wast so generously disposed to communi- 
cate to them. Ah ! that I had continued in my own 
shop at Manchester, and suffered this ungrateful 
race to remain for ever buried in their stupidity 
and ignorance.” 

Far be it from me,” quoth the doctor, who un- 
derstood about as much of this speech, as the tra- 
veller did of his, “far be it from me to offer insult 
or injury to one whom his unlucky fates have 
brought into tribulation. On the contrary, worthy 
sir, my sole design was to offer you a share of that 
comfort and consolation I have myself derived 
from the presence of philosophy, and also the as- 
sistance, my profession, which is that of a practition- 
er of medicine, enables me to render. If you have 
wounds and bruises, let them not grieve you; for 
be assured I will, upon the first convenient oppor- 
tunity, apply to them such salves and lotions as 
will greatly assist nature in effecting their cure.” 

“ Would you have me believe, that you, a native 
of these woods, where even the English language 
has degenerated into an unintelligible jargon, can 
be acquainted with the noble science of medicine!” 
cried the tourist, whose spleen seemed in no ways 
mollified by this address; ‘^and have you the inso- 
lence to talk to me, an Englishman, of your poison- 
ous salves and lotions ! but think not, barbarous 
quack, that I am unaware of your nefarious pur- 
M 2 


DR. POST AND 


Uo 

poses, or that I will submit to be sacrificed without 
an effort.’’ Thus saying, he, without further cere- 
mony, inserted both his hands into the doctor’s 
hair, and a sudden jolt occurring at the same time, 
pulled it so violently, that philosophy, indignant at 
finding her friendly advances received so ungra- 
ciously, took to her heels, and got out of the faim 
wagon as fast as she could. Passion succeeded to 
the sway, and, assuming the direction of the doc- 
tor’s fist, which was none of the smallest, made 
with it such an application to the traveller’s nasal 
promontory, that the claret flowed in abundance. 
Upon receiving this salute, the latter relinquished 
his hold of his antagonist’s hair, and making a 
mighty effort, threw himself on the top; then raising 
his own hammer,” he would infallibly have fur- 
nished the doctor with a pair of natural spectacles, 
had he not, with more agility than he was supposed 
capable of exerting, overturned the Englishman in 
his turn. In the meantime, the captain, who had 
been walking near the wagon, hearing the noise 
which proceeded from this caterwauling, looked 
over the side, and at first could not forbear a hearty 
laugh; but fearing the combatants should do each 
other a mischief, he now laid hold of them both, 
and, by dragging them to opposite ends of the vehi- 
cle, succeeded in effecting a separation. ‘‘What!” 
^aid the peace-maker, “can’t you lay alongside for 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


141 


an hour or two without going to loggerheads toge- 
ther; come, come, doctor, put up your fist, man; it is 
your business to mend heads, and not to break 
them.’^ 

“ Captain Cutwater,’’ quoth the doctor, shaking 
his head, and speaking with a very solemn air, ‘‘I 
am a man of peace.” 

‘‘Aye, aye,” answered the captain, “ I know you 
are a non-combatant, and I’ll warrant me that this 
gentleman with the scarlet phiz, will bear witness 
that you are a man of peace.” 

“I bear witness!” exclaimed the latter, sullenly, 
“but you say well, Mr. Savage. 1 will bear wit- 
ness in my own country to the horrible scenes I 
have beheld. I will add my voice to those of our 
Fearon and Ashe, whose travels will ever remain 
immortal monuments of their wonderful genius, as 
well as of their information and good sense. Well 
have they assured their countrymen, that the na- 
tives of this wilderness are a race of barbarous, un- 
couth, ferocious, presumptuous, and ignorant sa- 
vages; possessing few of the ordinary characteristics 
of humanity, either in the mind or body. Even 
their vernacular language is entirely unknown 
amongst them. It was not long since, in attempt- 
ing to teach one of the poor creatures the art of 
fowling, he had the folly and impudence to assert 
to me that a certain part of a gun is called the muz- 


142 


DK. POST AND 


zle. 0! most superlative ignorance; not to know 
that the muzzle is an instrument for the ox. What 
incident will this be for the reviewers! they 
shall quote it, and the ministers in parliament shall 
repeat it; even the little children shall learn to lisp 
it; and the travels of Timothy Trip, Esq. shall 
doubtless be honoured with a conspicuous place on 
my lord’s mantel-piece.” 

Our readers will perceive that this candidate for 
literary honours was much given to soliloquizing, 
which, indeed, was the natural consequence of his 
sense of being the only conversible being of the 
party. These last reflections had evidently put 
him into a much better humour, and the captain, 
who had listened in silent astonishment to such 
words proceeding from such a source, now burst 
out into such an uncontrollable fit of laughter, that 
he could not restrain his merriment until they ar- 
rived at the village. He was so much diverted 
with the fears and complaints of the stranger, that 
he promised himself an excellent evening’s enter- 
tainment in his company. But in this he was dis- 
appointed; for Tom Ratlin arriving almost at the 
same moment with the wagon and sulkey, the tra- 
veller, after seeing his redoubtable steed well sta- 
bled, and giving a variety of directions to the ostler, 
at which the latter grinned and scratched his head 
most provokingly, he called for a separate apart- 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


143 


ment, and, in order to study the manners and cus- 
toms of the natives with more ease and security, 
bolted the door, and peremptorily refused to admit 
any one but the maid servant, who waited upon 
him at supper. Our sailor, however, met with 
amusement from a source he had not anticipated; 
but, as the events we come now to relate, are far 
too important to be thrust into the fag-end of a 
chapter, we shall here break off, and begin again 
with a new. 



Chapter XL 

In which it will be seen that the doctor meets 
with old acquaintances at the Inn — and the 
curious termination of his perplexities — also 
the dreadful events which befell the traveller 
in the night. 

As soon as the innkeeper had waited upon the 
traveller to his chamber, and provided for his ac- 
commodation as well as he was able, he returned 
in haste to our three friends, who had established 
themselves in the bar-room, and spoke to this pur- 
pose. ‘‘Gentlemen,^’ said he, am sorry I can- 
not wait upon you this evening with as much at- 


144 


DR. POST AND 


tention as I could wish, but the truth is, there has 
a wedding party just arrived at my house, and re- 
ally, in calling for this, that, and the other article, 
they have turned every thing quite topsyturvy, 
as my wife says.” 

You are perfectly excusable on such an occa- 
sion, Master Bluebottle,” answered the captain, 
^‘for, when people run their necks into such a dan- 
gerous noose as wedlock, it is but reasonable that 
they should be allowed to play for awhile with a 
slack line. For my own part, I have never yet 
been hampered with a wife, and, as I am some 
years on the wrong side of fifty, it is now most 
likely that I never shall be; but I have not become 
so old and crusty as to wish all new married cou- 
ples at the devil, as your true old bachelors and 
old maids are very apt to do in their hearts. On 
the contrary, I am always pleased to see them as 
merry as they can make themselves, and I cer- 
tainly shall never throw a straw in the way of their 
doing so.” 

You speak like a reasonable gentleman,” said the 
innkeeper, M and lam exactly of your opinion, be- 
cause, if a man neglects to make merry upon his 
wedding night, as I told my wife this blessed eve- 
ning, there is no certainty that he will ever have 
another opportunity.” 

<< There is no art,” said the doctor, <‘so truly 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


145 


enviable as that which, with the assistance of phi- 
losophy, enables the possessor to convert every 
turn of fortune, whether good or bad, into a source 
of pleasure. I am, therefore, ready to agree to 
what has been said, so far this; that, after the 
ceremonies of asking and receiving in marriage have 
been properly and happily performed, the mind 
may be usefully relaxed by innocent jollities and 
merry-makings; but to suppose they might never 
after have an opportunity of enjoying themselves, 
is an idea that in my opinion is preposterous in the 
extreme. A wise man should convert pain into 
pleasure, his vexations into comforts, and his sor- 
rows into joys; and thus, whatever incidents may 
turn up, there is a moral certainty of his uninter- 
rupted happiness.^’ 

As these observations were made in his usual so- 
lemn and pompous manner, the innkeeper made a 
low bow, and expressed himself greatly benefitted 
by the doctor’s erudition. The captain wondered 
for the fiftieth time, that a man who could speak 
with so much gravity and learning upon almost 
every subject, should invariably act with so much 
simplicity; and he was beginning to make some 
remarks upon this subject, when the conversation 
was interrupted. At this moment, a man was heard 
loudly vociferating, ^‘landlord! landlord!” and this 
summons not being immediately answered, the door 


146 


BK. POST AND 


opened, and a gentleman made his appearance 
dressed in a pea-green coat and white breeches, 
who the doctor at once knew to be his old friend 
and adviser, Mr. Augustus Peacock. The astonish- 
ment at this meeting was mutual, but the latter, af- 
ter standing a moment in suspense, advanced and 
took the practitioner by the hand. ‘‘Why, doc- 
tor,’^ said he, “here has your elopement, or ab- 
sconding, or whatever you may choose to term it, 
made more talk in Turkeytown than the sheriff’s 
election. What, in the name of wonder, could have 
induced you to leave us in such an unaccountable 
manner?” 

Some indistinct, gurgling sounds, issued from 
the doctor’s throat in reply to this address, but not 
being able to deliver himself, he was obliged to re- 
main content with shaking his head with more than 
usual vehemence. 

“Your friends,” continued Mr. Peacock, “had 
given you up for lost, and for myself, I^must posi- 
tively declare I never expected to meet with you 
again; but, since it has happened otherwise — why 
— the truth must be told — yes, the truth, must be 
told. Strange things — yes, strange — very strange 
things, doctor! have occurred since you left us,” 
Whilst thus speaking, the worthy pedagogue seem- 
ed very much confused, as though there was some- 
thing pn his mind he found it difficult to get rid of; 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


147 


but, as the doctor, though he had pressed his hand 
with every mark of cordiality, did not yet appear 
to be in a condition to reply, he went on with ra- 
ther more boldness. “ It may seem strange to you,” 
said he, but, when one man abandons his object, 
there is no harm if another should try; and when 
one is out of sight, he is very likely to be forgotten; 
and, but the short and long of the matter is, doc- 
tor, that I have been married to-day, and to your 
own dulcinea, that is, as was, but I hope you will 
owe me no grudge on that account, as you had to 
all intents and purposes given up the pursuit.” 

The fact was, the pedagogue and the widow had, 
after the doctor’s disappearance, laid their heads 
together to make up a match between themselves; 
and with all the gigs and other wheeled carriages, 
that could be collected upon a very brief notice, 
the bridal party had arrived at the inn a few mo- 
ments before our travellers. The doctor received 
his communication with an amazement, which, for 
the time, deprived him of the power of utterance. 
He rolled his goggle eyes, and worked the mus- 
cles of his cheeks and the corners of his mouth, in 
such a manner, that the bystanders concluded the 
intelligence was about to bring on a violent fit of 
sneezing — but they were mistaken: he was only 
struggling to repress some unaccountable feelings 
of merriment, which even threatened to terminate 
V 


148 


DU. POST AND 


in an actual giggle. This folly he considered utterly 
inconsistent with the dignity of philosophy, and had 
not been guilty of it within the memory of his old- 
est acquaintances. On this occasion, however, the 
excitement proved too strong for his self-control, 
and, after various grimaces and contortions of coun- 
tenance, he was obliged to give it way. 

‘‘He, he, hi; ho, ho, he; hi ho; then the widow 
lady will not die of a consumption ; she will, he, hi, 
be very happy, ho, ho.’’ 

“I think this is a most singular affair,” said the 
captain. 

“It is, indeed, captain Cutwater, he, he, very 
singular, and very incomprehensible.” 

“ByG — d,” said Tom, “the gentleman takes 
it in a very curious manner, too.” 

“Very curious, indeed, Mr. Ratlin, he, he, ho; 
but a combination amongst men, is very advantage- 
ous, he, he, for thus it is all our difficulties are over- 
come. I can now go back to the assistance of doc- 
tor Lavender forthwith.” 

“Not to-night, not to-night!” cried the bride- 
groom, seizing him by the arm, “would you leave 
me at such a time as this? you must dance with the 
bride first, and if these gentlemen,” bowing to our 
two sailors, “will honour the conjugium of a poor 
pedagogue — why, jocularis is the watchword— so 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. ‘ 


149 


come along, my friends, prima societas in ipse con- 
jiigio est, as Cicero says.’^ 

Thus saying, the jovial bridegroom led the way 
to an apartment upon the second floor, which, from 
its size, had been selected for the celebration of the 
nuptial revels. Here, surrounded by her attend- 
ants, the bride sat, enthroned in all matronly dig- 
nity; her countenance, whilst it mantled at proper 
times with a modest blush, sufficiently evincing 
that she was by no means insensible to the conse- 
quence and advantages of being the principal ac- 
tress in the scene. The entrance of our three friends 
was not without interest to several of the fair assis- 
tants, for, in consequence of the little time allowed 
for preparations, the balance between the male and 
female sections of the party" had not been so well 
preserved, but that a few of the latter had been led 
into some unpleasant reflections upon the improba- 
bility of being accommodated with partners. 

When the little bustle attending their introduc- 
tion had subsided, the signal was given to an old 
negro who had been tuning his fiddle in one cor- 
ner, upon which they all turned to with good will, 
and danced and sung and made merry until bed- 
time, when the bride and groom being happily 
disposed of, the rest of the party also began to think 
of retiring to rest. As for the doctor, he posi- 
tively declared, he never recollected having expe- 


150 


DR. POST AND 


rienced so great an exuberance of animal spirits, 
as upon this happy occasion. He several times 
pulled the bridegroom by the sleeve, and desired 
very earnestly to know whether he had met with 
any difficulty in getting through the five actions, 
but the latter being too much engaged, he was ob- 
liged to go to bed without obtaining this desirable 
piece of information. Being at length shown to a 
chamber, he walked to and fro for some time, mut- 
tering the words “ curious, curious, curious,’’ and 
then suddenly whipped off his coat with so much 
energy, that the candle was overthrown, and he 
was left in total darkness. With some difficulty 
he found the candlestick, and groped his way to 
the door. From the noise which was still heard in 
different parts of the house, he concluded that some 
of the inmates had not yet retired, and proceeded 
along the entry in quest of another light. ; Here 
we must leave him for the present, in order to re- 
late the accidents which befell some other of the 
persons concerned in this veritable hi.story. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


151 


Chapter X. 

Which contains some excellent observations by 
the author, arid the terrific adventures which 
were encountered by Mr, Trip amongst the 
savages. 

Before proceeding further with our narrative, 
gentle reader, I cannot forbear stopping to intro- 
duce one of those profound reflections, which will 
undoubtedly render this little work the admiration 
of all those people who have any pretensions to 
discernment. For those who do not possess this 
quality, I care but little; and, indeed, that little 
arises only from the spirit of philanthropy which 
first induced me to dip the pen into my inkstand, 
and even now causes me to wish, that all the world 
may read and learn wisdom from my pages. For 
my own part, I must acknowledge, however, that 
much of the philosophical ingenuity which the 
public may be disposed to pass to my credit, is in 
reality due to my poor dear father, who, peace to 
his memory! is now dead and gone, but who be- 
queathed to me all the maxims he had collected in 
the course of his long and active life, and w^ho had 
besides been the means of bringing me into the 
world with a head capable of arranging and digest- 
ing them. I mention this, because I am aware of 
N 2 


152 


DR. POST AND 


the power of envy, and of her extensive sway over 
the human heart; and I therefore wish all those 
who may be disposed to cast sheep’s eyes at me on 
this account, distinctly to understand, that I claim 
no individual superiority over the rest of my species, 
in any manner, shape, or form. The lamp that 
illuminates my intellectual faculties, was supplied 
with wick and oil, by my good father, as before 
stated, and between you and me, it was lit up some 
five and twenty years ago by a spark from the 
bright eyes of my lovely Mary. Had it not been 
for her, I do candidly believe it might have remain- 
ed hanging in the chambers of my brain to this day, 
without giving a single speck of light. Her form 
and features were such perfect models of symmetry 
and beauty, that no one could behold her without 
admiration, and her heart was the throne of inno- 
cence and modesty. But I ask pardon for intro-- 
ducing her here; — the kind of love to which I 
would now draw the attention of the reader is very 
different from that pure and sentimental flame which 
is kindled by such charms as her’s. On the con- 
trary, it is often produced without any charms, or 
by such charms as can only be perceived or felt by 
their possessors; and this species, which is generally 
called self-love, will be found, I believe, more uni- 
versally prevalent than any other. Let a man be 
never so deformed in body, or ill-grained in his 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


153 


disposition, he cherishes an affection for his own 
dear self, which neither time, disease, or infirmi- 
ties, can in any wise diminish. It lives on from 
youth to old age, is born with us and dies with us, 
and, therefore, though it has been called by many 
hard names, as a selfish and unamiable passion, it 
may be said to be, in its own place, a most excel- 
lent and constant friend. Under all circumstances 
it is awake and watchful, and whenever we are 
menaced with even the slightest injury, it seldom 
neglects any possible means to shield us from the 
danger. So far then from this passion being de- 
serving of the slander which has been so often 
heaped upon it, it is in reality a kind of .guardian 
angel, and without its interposing care every man 
would be in serious risk of having his neck broken 
a dozen times for every day of his life. But we 
must now return to the further history of the ad- 
ventures which befell the English tourist, in which 
the observations we have just made will be very 
happily exemplified. 

That gentleman having, as before related, taken 
his supper and locked the door on the inside, sat 
down to insert in his journal the wonderful events 
he had met with in the course of the day. This 
occupied his attention for some time, as they had 
even been more remarkable than usual. As soon 
as he had finished, this guardian angel we have 


154 


DR. POST AND 


been speaking of, began to stir herself, and at her 
suggestion he made a careful examination under the 
bed, up the chimney, and of all other places where 
an interloper would be likely to conceal himself; — 
being probably of opinion that any person who 
might be found in such' a situation, was there for 
no good. Then, having placed a table before the 
door, and a pile of chairs upon the top of it, that if 
any one should burst it open there might be sufficient 
alarm given, he undressed himself and slipped into 
bed. 

Now it so happened, that the apartment where 
the worthy pedagogue was celebrating his nuptials, 
was situated but a short distance from that of the 
traveller, and the latter was just falling into a com- 
fortable doze, when the fiddle struck up, and the 
whole party commenced dancing their ‘^corn rows’’ 
and other fashionable reels with great spirit. The 
noise necessarily created by these proceedings, ap- 
peared to him exceedingly suspicious, and the more 
so as he had always heard that the North American 
savages usually commenced their wars and deeds of 
cruelty with a dance. He had understood, like- 
wise, that they generally stripped to the buff and 
smeared their limbs with oil and lampblack; and 
in this state he expected every moment to see them 
burst into his room with their tomahawks and scalp- 
ing knives, for he sagaciously concluded they would 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


155 


not neglect such an excellent opportunity to feast 
upon the blood of an Englishrpan. Agonized with 
these dismal apprehensions, he felt but little incli- 
nation to woo the gentle god of slumber, nor would 
he permit that benign deity to lay so much as the 
weight of a finger upon his eyelids; which indeed 
was natural enough, for I have observed that when 
people expect to be scalped and tomahawked, they 
generally prefer having those agreeable operations 
performed when awake. After laying for about 
half an hour, he got up and looked out of the win- 
dow, and through a crack in the door, but not being 
able by these means to discover what was going 
forward, he took the tongs into bed with him as a 
uGfcnsive vyeapon, and endeavoured to stifle the 
horrible sounds by enveloping his head in the bed 
clothes. But all this precaution was in vain, the 
noise still rang in his ears, and ever and anon a 
shout of laughter arose, which seemed to him like 
the discordant yells of a hundred savages. As the 
witching lime of midnight came on, the hour usu- 
ally appropriated to sprites, spectres, and fearful 
beings of-every denomination, his alarm increased 
to a degree that was almost insupportable. 

At length the dancing ceased; and now,’\ 
thought he, « the crisis has arrived; they have 
worked themselves up to the pitch of frenzy, and 
will presently come to execute their barbarous pur- 


156 


DR. POST AND 


poses.’’ To add to his fears, a noise was actually 
heard upon the stairs, and being no longer able to 
withstand the terror, he again sprang out of bed 
and ran to the window. A slight examination, 
however, convinced him that a descent from the 
latter was no feasible undertaking. He then re- 
moved the barricade from before his door as silently 
as possible, and placed his ear against the key hole. 
At this moment an old clock that stood in the 
entry, began to jingle out the hour of three, and 
the effect upon his excited nerves was so irresisti- 
bly startling, that without more ado he seized upon 
the tongs with one hand and his pantaloons with 
the other, and ran out of the room to escape from 
his imaginary assailants by the best opportunity 
that should offer. 

As soon as the door was opened, he beheld a 
light twinkling at one end of the entry, and saga- 
ciously concluding that the savages were there also, 
he chose to run the opposite direction; and had not 
proceeded very far, before in groping his way 
through the dark, his hand came in contact with 
the woolly head of the musician, who at that time 
was staggering under the weight of some dozen or 
more glasses of brandy, towards his straw bed in 
the garret. The moment he found his progress 
interrupted in this manner, he lifted the tongs, and 
without waiting to say his prayers, discharged a 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


157 


blow that would have effectually tried the solidity 
of the negro’s skull, had it not been luckily inter- 
cepted by his fiddle. The latter indeed was com- 
pletel}^ demolished; which so enraged its owner, 
who was an old warrior, that he began to lay about 
him on all sides with gfeat fury; and though from 
the combined effects of darkness and brandy he 
was unable to see his antagonist, he soon bestowed 
one or two such effectual thumps upon his carcass, 
that the traveller was heartily glad, by the bursting 
open of a side door, to be pushed out of the way of 
such random shots. 

In the meantime the blood of the old warrior 
was completely heated by the combat; and he con- 
tinued drumming the air with great vigour and no 
small noise, until finally, the doctor, who was just 
then seeking his light, received such a thwack over 
the head with the remnant of the broken fiddle, 
that he was nearly prostrated on the floor. Alarmed 
at the hubbub produced by this affair, the landlord 
and others came running to the spot with lights, 
and arrived just in time to protect the doctor from 
the further effects of the negro’s rage, who, ren- 
dered habitually crabbed and testy by constant in- 
dulgence, was now so incensed that it required all 
their efforts to restrain him. The landlord cursed 
him heartily, and with the assistance of one or two 
ostlers dragged him up to his cockloft, and there 


158 


DR. POST AND 


left him to compose himself at his leisure. Peace 
being thus restored, the doctor was furnished with 
another candle, and a part of the company retired 
to their beds, whilst the remainder, with the cap- 
tain and Tom Ratlin at their head, went back to 
the bar-room with the view of resuming their at- 
tentions to a brandy bottle which had been left un- 
finished. 

In this apartment there already existed palpable 
evidences of the warfare which had been maintained 
between a set of gallant spirits, and the represen- 
tatives of that powerful potentate, John Barleycorn. 
Several broken and empty bottles evinced the prow- 
ess of the one party, and as many prostrate and 
lifeless bodies which lay stretched upon the tables 
and on the floor, were the equally glorious trophies 
of the other. Many there were, also, who had 
been wounded in various degrees; some could yet 
walk, and others could sit on their chairs with some 
assistance, and of these it must be said, to their im- 
mortal honour, that not one of them flinched from 
the combat, but returned to the charge again and 
again, with the most undaunted courage, as long 
as they could see the enemy. The disturbance oc- 
casioned by the traveller and the negro, had caused 
a temporary cessation of this obstinate conflict, as 
most of those who still retained the management 
of their legs, had accompanied the landlord to as- 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


159 


sist in restoring order; but this having been hap- 
pily effected, they returned to the attack wkh in- 
creased ardour. 

“I do assure you, my good friends,’^ said mine 
host, when he had seen his guests once more com- 
fortably seated, with their, weapons in their hands, 
*'* that such doings as this, are but rare doings in 
my house, which every body knows is a good and 
well ordered house; and I scorn that my company 
should be interrupited by drunken brawlers; but 
when the liquor is in, the wit is out, as my wife 
says, not but that a little of it is a good thing in its 
place, as 1 told her this blessed evening, and as you 
all know by the tokens.^^ 

“ Spoken like an oracle, master Bluebottle,^^ 
said the captain, ‘^no man can give a better reason 
for drinking, when one is wanted; but, for my 
part, I have sailed up and down the world for these 
twenty years, and never missed drinking ^sweet- 
hearts and wives,’ upon Saturday-night, and a glass 
of good stingo in the morning; that is, bating ship- 
wrecks and accidents, when a glass of good liquor 
was not to be had. So push along the bottle, Tom ; 
why you are as dull as a dumb porpoise, man; have 
you never a song or a joke for these jolly people?” 

‘‘Why, for that matter, I have songs enough, 
and jokes, too,” said Tom, “ but your honour will 


o 


160 


DR. POST AND 


please to remember we were talking about Moll 
Dowling this afternoon 

Well, and what then?’' said the captain. 

. Why, then it is, that I cap’t sing no more than 
an owl,” said Tom, ‘‘and I cannot joke neither, for 
I have seen Moll this very night.” . 

“The devil you have!” said captain Cutwater, 
“and how did that happen?, was it her ghost?” 

“Why, in some sort it might,” said Tom, “for 
she was all dried and shrivelled up like a piece of 
jerked beef, when she used to be as round and plump 
as a mellow apple. But, then, she had a dozen 
children along with her, and some of them as big 
as I am,.” 

“The deuce she had! But how did you know 
her?” said the captain. 

“Why, how should I know it vyas her, till she 
told me s6 herself?” said Tom. “She knew me, 
though, and that was the way it came about. I 
found her selling oysters out of a cart in the tavern 
yard, and I do believe that Moll was right glad to 
see her old joe again, especially when she has such 
a lame, limping, wall-eyed looking thing for a hus- 
band.” 

“So, then, she is married, is she?” inquired the 
captain. 

“Aye, faith! and for the third time,” said Tom; 
“the poor thing has had a good many ups and 


The Widow pewEetle. 


161 


downs in the world, since she and I were acquaint- 
ed, and she told me the whole story. Her first 
husband was a soldier, and , turned out a rascal, as 
she might have expected from one of them kind of 
land lobsters ; and then she married an oysterman, 
which your honour knows wasnH much better, for 
I dare say the fellow Was never out of sight of land 
in his life, and how should he know how to take 
care of a wife? But he learned her how to open and 
sell oysters, and when he was drowndedy she mar- 
ried this thing she has with her, chiefly, I believe, 
for the sake of having somebody to watch the cart 
at odd limes, and to wash the plates, and do such 
other little odd-come-shorts.’^ 

^‘Ah! Tom,^’ said the captain, old Time makes 
many things come to pass, which you and I never 
would have thought of. He trims his sails for all 
weathers, and keeps on his course without stopping 
for nights or Sundays: and as far as 1 can see, there 
is nobody but comes in for a share of his notice; 
though it may be, that he has the greater spite 
at young women with rosy cheeks, since they are 
commonly marked with his wrinkles before some 
other kinds of people.^^ 

‘^All that may be very true,’^ said Tom, ^^and 
to be sure, thirty years is a long stretch to go and 
come upon: but who would have thought he should 
have been so hard upon poor MolL There is the 
moon, now, that shines in at the window, as bright 


6 


162 


DR. POST AND 


and as young looking as ever she was, and Fll war- 
rant the sea hasn’t grown a bit smaller, nor the 
waves quit to be green upon soundings, and blue 
in deep water. And there is the sun, that gives 
as much light every day iis it used to do, and every 
thing goes on in the same way, but poor Moll; who 
used to be in them times as active and as pretty as 
a young dolphin, and now she’s turned into a great 
blowsy oysterwoman!” 

‘‘Well,” replied the captain, “such things are, 
and I suppose they must be. If the doctor was 
here, he could tell us the why and wherefore: and 
yet it was wrong to say, Tom, that all things go on 
in the same way, except Moll, because they don’t. 
I can remember, myself, when I thought my fin- 
gers were of no use but to make pothooks and 
trammels, and I believed there was’nt a greater 
man in the world than old Mr. Birchrod the school- 
master. But Gad-a-mercy ! what changes have I 
seen since then. First, I found myself sitting 
cross-legged on a shopboard, with a needle and 
thread in my hand, and a hot goose at my side; and 
the next thing, I was swabbing the spray from off 
the quarter-deck of a sloop of war, to keep the offi- 
cers’ feet dry. And so it went on from one scene 
to another: but there is one thing that I may say 
for myself, and that is, wherever I was tossed I 
commonly lit on my feet, for I had a merry heart 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


163 


under my ribs, and a hand that was ready for all 
work. 

^‘That I can swear to,’’ answered Tom, ‘‘for I 
have heard you say so a hundred times before; but 
as to the rest of these matters, they are too deep 
for my laming.” 

Thus saying, he helped himself to about a gill of 
brandy; and set down the empty glass with a long 
drawn sigh. But whether that sigh was occasioned 
by his sentimental recollections of Moll Dowling, 
or whether it was merely such a sigh as topers of- 
ten send up after the contents of their glasses have 
been sent down, has always been to my mind a 
matter of considerable doubt. If it was owing to 
the former cause, however, he had but little leisure 
to indulge in such melancholy reflections, for that 
moment a tremendous crash was heard, as of some 
heavy body falling, in one of the upper chambers, 
which was instantly followed by violent screams. 
The landlord immediately ran to ascertain the 
cause, and was, as before, followed by such of the 
party as were able to keep on their feet. In order 
to explain this new interruption, we must return 
once more to the English traveller, who seemed 
fated, in the course of this eventful night, to en- 
counter more dreadful adventures than ever befell 
the boldest knights of the round table. 

Having been pushed through a side door in the 


164 


DR. POST AND 


previous scuffle, as before related, he had hastily 
closed it upon the approach of the landlord and his 
people, which prevented him from being discover- 
ed; but his apprehensions, so far from being allayed 
by the conversation he overheard, were, on the con- 
trary, greatly increased. His mind, in fact, was 
so filled with the ridiculous chimeras he had con- 
jured up, that, notwithstanding the utter improba- 
bility, he still continued to think, that all these ac- 
cidents were the result of some deep-laid scheme, 
against his own individual person and property. 
Equally afraid to advance in either direction, he 
continued standing in his shirt, and sweating at 
every pore, until after the noise had almost en- 
tirely subsided. The place being remote from the 
bar-room, he could hear no sounds, but those of 
some person coughing, as if with the asthma, 
(which, in truth, was the landlord’s wife,) and, at 
length, beginning to feel the inconvenience of his 
situation, he essayed to open the door again, but to 
his unutterable horror, found that it was fast. He 
then began to grope his way around the wall, in 
hopes to find some other place of egress, but his 
progress was soon stopped by his fingers coming 
in contact with a sharp iron instrument, furnished 
with teeth, which his fancy converted into some 
dreadful engine of torture. He instantly receded 
two or three paces from the wall^ and again reach- 
ing forth his hand in the dark, he felt something 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


165 


like a large earthen pan, but what was his horror, 
when, in endeavouring to examine the inside, he 
drew it forth full of congealed human blood ! This 
was too much for his courage; he staggered, and 
would probably have fallen had he not been sup- 
ported by a table, i^on which the said dreadful 
pan was standing. The latter, however, was over- 
thrown by the shock, and, rolling upon the floor, 
broke with considerable noise. Immediately upon 
this, the coughing ceased, and directly he heard a 
footstep approaching the door. Being by this time 
rendered perfectly desperate, he crouched himself 
in front of the entrance, and, as the door opened, 
darted like lightning under the legs of a person 
who was approaching, and then ran into the first 
open room he met witlr, which happened fortu- 
nately to be his own. 

All was now again in confusion; the tenants of * 
the different chambers, hearing the noise, ran out 
to ascertain .the cause; lights glanced, and voices 
were heard in every direction. Little was to be 
seen, however, except the portly figure of the land- 
lady, who lay sprawling on the floor, and a dreadful 
waste of that excellent substance which the good 
wives call apple butter, but which had been mis- 
taken by the traveller for a very different article. 
The room where he had concealed himself was, in 
truth, nothing more or less than the pantry, and 
the landlady hearing the pan fall, had at first attri- 


166 


DR. POST AND 


buted the blame to the cats. Being now raised 
from the floor, she declared she was bewitched, and 
to convince the company that it was true, imm-e- 
diately went into a fit of hystericks. She, however, 
managed to recover in a short time without sending 
for the doctor. 



Chapter X. 

In which the traveller escapes without the loss of 

r 

life or limb — some curious c^iscqurses upon 
witchcraft; and a most interesting story is 
Commenced by Mr. Ratlin. 

In the meantime, the traveller, whose ridiculous 
* fears had been the cause of all this commotion, 
having hastily replaced the table and chairs which 
formed his barricade, waited with great anxiety 
until the approach of daylight, which in some mea- 
sure relieved him from his apprehensions. As the 
beams of the rosy god gradually swept away the 
dark mist which had hitherto hung over the town, 
and prevented him from distinguishing aught but 
a few shapeless and indistinct masses, he was both 
surprised and delighted with the prospect spread 
before his window. The reader must recollect that 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


167 


he arrived in the evening, and that, too, under cir- 
cumstances which would have prevented him from 
seeing a paradise, if he had passed through one; 
and fancy, who had been very busy with his ima- 
gination all night, had mingled plenty of wigwams, 
tomahawks, scalps, strung upon long poles, and a 
variety of things horrible and awful, in the 
scene she had sketched out tor him; — upon a back- 
ground of deep forest, of course. Now the first 
glance from his window, convinced him that this 
same jade Fancy, had followed her usual practice, 
and lied like a newspaper. That part of the vil- 
lage visible from his situation, consisted of neat 
frame or brick buildings, surrounded by trees, and 
having upon the whole a very comfortable and 
thriving appearance. A slipshod kitchen wench 
belonging to the tavern, who was hacking a pine- 
knot by the wood-pile, convinced him also, to his 
great joy, that a portion at least of the inhabitants 
were white. The country around, too, as far as 
his eye could penetrate through a thick and foggy 
atmosphere, was cleared, and apparently well cul- 
tivated. 

Surely,’^ thought he, this is not Manchester, 
and yet it does look as if the people had some lit- 
tle idea of civilization.^’ But, then, how to ac- 
count for the violence of the preceding day, and the 
dreadful events of the night, he could not imagine. 


168 


Dll. POST AND 


Look at it as he would, the case was still suspi- 
cious, and he finally resolved to sally forth and 
escape from so dangerous a neighbourhood as soon 
as possible. For this purpose he ventured to call 
the landlord, and demand his reckoning, and was 
agreeably surprised to find, that no one showed the 
least disposition to detain him. 

When the bridal party assembled at breakfast, a 
variety of jokes and smart sayings were bandied 
about, relative to the accidents of the night. Many 
persisted in believing that the house was haunted; 
until at length the fiddler put them to a stand, by 
appearing in a new suit of pantaloons, which he 
declared he had conquered in the combat, and re- 
tained as some indemnification for the loss of his 
fiddle. He, nevertheless, begged of the company 
to make him a still further indemnification, by the 
purchase of a new one, which they very liberally 
promised to do. 

This old negro had been, or pretended to have 
been, attached to some^ofiicer during the revolution- 
ary war, of which circumstance he boasted so much, 
and told so many marvellous tales of his exploits 
in those trying times, that he had acquired the dig- 
nified title of general Bug. He took care to sup- 
port it, by appearing at all militia musters and pa- 
rades, equipped with a cocked hat and an old sword, 
which he had contrived to pick up somewhere or 


' THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 169 

Other, and usually marched in rear of the proces- 
sion, as long as he remained sober enough to keep 
the right end downwards. The general had also a 
great predilection for the law; he attended all the 
county courts, and was the oracle of those of his 
own colour, in legal matters. These accomplish- 
ments, in addition to his office of fiddler, rendered 
him a personage of no small consequence; and this 
being a fact of which he himself was very well 
aware, he used to style himself, on the strength of 
his three favourite vocations, professor of love, war, 
and litigation. The old fellow, who was as proud 
of his trophy as Hector could have been of the 
arms of Patroclus, scouted with indignation, the 
idea of his antagonist being any thing less than 
mortal flesh and blood, asserting, moreover, that 
ghosts never wore pantaloons. 

This argument did, indeed, pose the ghost be- 
lievers, and, as it did not apply with equal force to 
witchcraft, most of the company went over to the 
opinion of the landlady. The latter ordered Mr. 
Bluebottle to have a horseshoe nailed on every door 
in the house, and two on that of the pantry.* Mrs. 
Peacock recommended a couple of ryestraws to be 
laid crosswise, on every jar of apple butter and 
sweetmeats, which she declared to be a sovereign 
charm. Something was also said about young 
witches and old witches, which fed to he-witches 


170 


Dll. POST AND 


and she-witches, and the merits of these different 
species were discussed with great learning and im- 
partiality. 

Doctor Post observed, that the subject had some- 
times attracted his attention, and in the first place 
it behooved us to inquire whether or no Satan, who 
is sometimes called the devil, and also by other 
titles, has, in reality, the power of enduing certain 
people with those miraculous qualities, which go 
to constitute and form the essence of witchcraft. 
In illustrating this point, he referred to the history 
of the witch of Endor, which he thought would be 
deemed a conclusive proof, that his satanic majesty 
did once possess the power we have been speaking 
of; and if so, he saw no good reason to think, that 
he had since been deprived of it Taking these 
facts for granted, he was of opinion, that witchcraft 
was more prevalent than was generally imagined, 
since there could be no question, but that so cun- 
ning a spirit would create as many as he could, in 
order to annoy the good, quiet and sober Christians 
of this neat little farm of his. 

This speech was greatly applauded by all. the 
company, and by none more freely than honest 
Tom Ratlin, who declared^ moreover, that he knew 
a witch story as well authenticated as that of the 
witch of Endor, since it had come directly from 
the mouth of his own grandmother. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


171 


‘‘That is very true/^ said the captain, “ the story 
is an excellent good one; and, as there is hut little 
prospect of amusement without, whilst the weather 
is so rainy and uncomfortable, I would propose that 
Tom shall relate it for the entertainment of the 
company.’^ 

This proposition being unanimously approved of, 
the narrator, after clearing his voice by the usual 
methods, commenced as follows. 

“Well,- then,” said he, “the story begins about 
one Michael and Katy. But, first, you must know 
its a very long yarn, for my grandmother got the 
schoolmaster to write it down, and I got it off of 
the paper by heart. When the old woman died, it 
was found tied up in a stocking foot, along with. a 
leaf of the New Testament. I shall begin at one 
end, and go straight on to the other, for if I miss a 
single word I shall be out of my reckoning, and 
then its ten chances to one, if I get right without 
going back to the beginning. You will all of you 
remember, it is called, the 

STORY OF MICHAEL AND KATY. 

Not far from little Egg-harbour, on the Jersey 
shore, there is a village called Scrabbletown. It 
consists-of three or four log cabins, and a cow shed 
or two, pleasantly situated upon a hillock of white 
sand, much renowned through all the adjacent 


172 


DR. POST AND 


country, for the luxuriant crops of crab-grass, which 
it produces like the garden of Eden, without even 
the labour of cultivation. There was also a story 
current at one time, that a bunch of the Jamestown 
weed (the datura stramonium of botanists, I think 
it is) was, many years back, seen growing near one 
of the aforesaid cow sheds; but as we have no posi- 
tive proof, it cannot be asserted as a fact. But, 
however this might have been, one of the principal 
inhabitants of the village was the person whose 
adventures I am about to relate. 

‘‘You see,’’ said Tom, interrupting the narra- 
tive to replenish his glass, “ that these were the 
very words of the schoolmaster, as they were writ- 
ten down in black and white. I have the paper at 
home, now, in the bottom of my chest.” 

“ And was the schoolmaster’s name signed to it?” 
said Mr. Peacock. 

“Aye was it,” said Tom, “and my grandmo- 
ther’sj too, as a witness. So, if any of you are 
doubting of its truth, I may as well stop where 1 
am.” 

“By no means,” said Mr. Peacock, “ I, for one, 
am perfectly satisfied with the authorities.” 

“ Well, then,” said Tom, “it goes on thus.” 

Michael Singtotum was a genuine son of Saint 
Crispin — at least it is certain he never discovered 
any other father. He was a fine stout fellow, and 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE« 


173 


in his general aspect very comely. His most re- 
markable features were a short pug-nose handsome- 
ly decorated about the end with brandy blossoms, 
twinkling gray eyes, and, above all, a pair of red 
whiskers, artfully curled to the shape of corkscrews, 
and hanging down beneath his chin, in a manner 
declared by all the maidens of Scrabbletown to be 
absolutely irresistible. 

Thus favoured by nature, it fell out, of course, 
that he made wonderful havoc with the hearts of 
the fair ones. In fact, he soon became a bone of 
hot contention amongst them, and was even the 
innocent occasion of the loss of more than one hand- 
ful of curls, and several valuable caps and ruffles. 

don’t believe a word of it,” said Mrs. Pea- 
cock, and I wonder at the schoolmaster to put in 
such nonsense as that Only to think of gray eyes 
and brandy blossoms! why, if Mr. Peacock had 
any such things in his countenance, I would sooner 
have gone to my grave, than to have had him. It’s 
the most ridiculous stuff I ever heard of.” 

<< Well, ma’am,” answered Tom, ‘‘all I can say 
of it, is, that the women are not all of one mind on 
that point, and it would be what I should call a 
damned hard thing if they were, seeing that we 
are rigged out in all sorts of fashions, and as a man 
hasn’t the making of his own skylights, he must 


174 


DR. POST AND 


wenr whatever kind of paint there is first put into 
them.^^ 

‘‘Why, for that matter,’’ said the bride, who 
now observed that Tom’s own eyes were of the 
colour which had just been spoken of with such 
little esteem, “gray eyes may look very well in 
some persons, as indeed they do look very hand- 
some, but I wish you would leave out this part 
about the caps and ruffles, and go on to the witch- 
craft.” 

“Begging your ladyship’s pardon,” said Tom, 
“1 cannot leave out a single word of it, because if 
I once get put out, the story’s done; and if you 
keep interrupting me so much, I shall never get to 
the witchcraft in the world, seeing that it all lays 
at the end in a couple of eggs.” 

“Well, then,” said the lady, “I shall say no 
more; and I beg you will go on in your own way, 
for I am impatient to hear the end of it.” 

Accordingly, the narrator again resumed: 

In spite of all this, Michael drank his whiskey, 
and plied his wax-end and hammer with the most 
provoking coolness and indifference. He appeared 
absolutely impervious to the arrows of Cupid, and 
scarcely seemed to be aware, that there was such a 
thing in the world as a petticoat. 

But let no man presume to set the little god at 
defiance. Arm yourself as you will, with ice, flint, 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


175 


or any of the defences generally employed, as we 
read of in story books; turn your face or your 
back, its all one, he is sure to have his revenge at 
some time or other, and Michael could not be ex- 
pected to escape any more than other people. 

“Do you hear that, doctor?’’ cried the bride- 
groom. “ I would wager a bottle of ink, now, that 
the schoolmaster who put this story together was a 
man of learning and deep discernment. Doubtless, 
he had both Plato and Aristotle at his fingers’ ends, 
or he could never have written so smoothly and 
so much to the purpose. ‘ Arm yourself as you 
will, Cupid will have his revenge at some time or 
other.’ I could not have believed it more firmly 
if I had made the expression myself.” 

“I make no question,” replied the doctor, shaking 
his head with more than usual vehemence, “but 
that he was well acquainted with the classics, and 
also with the nature of this affection, called love, 
which, to me, has always been. attended with a va- 
riety of difficulties. We are, however, interrupt- 
ing Mr. Ratlin, in the course of his narrative.” 

“Let him go on,” said the bride, “for I think 
the story improves.” 

‘‘To be sure it does,” said Tom, “and it goes 
on improving to the end; but where did I leave off 
— what was the last word?” 


176 


DR. POST AND 


Being put right in this particular, he once more 
resumed: 

•He was one day seated in his stall, hammering 
a piece of sole-leather to the tune of ‘ the white 
cockade,’ when a fine Bouncing maid, named Katy 
Collops, came in, with a fixed determination to 
make a desperate attack on the formidable red 
whiskers. Michael, always polite to the fair sex 
when they honoured him with a visit, bustled him- 
self about, took down the corner of an old slater — 
wrote thereon ‘Mistress Catherine Collops’ — and 
finally seated himself to ascertain the measurement 
of the lady’s foot. This was precisely the moment 
which had been waited for by the artful Katy, and 
no sooner did she see the arrangement completed, 
than she suddenly kicked off one of her old shoes, 
and clapped into the hand of the astonished Mi- 
chael, a neatly turned foot and ankle, covered with 
a white stocking. 

The surprise was. entirely successful. Michael 
remained for some time on one knee, absolutely 
lost in admiration. A white stocking! such a phe- 
nomenon had not been seen amongst the citizens 
of Scrabbletown within the memory of the oldest 
inhabitants'. A most melancholy sigh issued from 
the very bottom of his lungs, and was echoed, 
above, from Katy’s compassionate lips. The dis- 
consolate swain was encouraged; he looke-d up, and 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 177 

beheld the countenance of the fair one beaming 
with pride and satisfaction. A slight shawl, loose- 
ly thrown around her neck, and crossed upon her 
bosom, rose and fell in gentle undulations. 

Michael thought his heart was stuck through and 
through with a thousand pegging awls. He quick- 
ly clapped his hand over it, but it was too late; it 
had already been pierced with as many holes as 
the bottom of a tin colander. In fine, the triumph 
of the white stocking over the red whiskers was 
most complete, and from that moment, both Mi- 
chael and Katy were hated and envied by the whole 
village. 

The jibes and sneers of the malevolent, had, how- 
ever, but very little effect on this interesting cou- 
ple. Michael would give a goodnatured shrug 
with his shoulders when any of them came to his 
ears, and Katy would snap her fingers, and invite 
them to an action, which few people in these days 
are in the habit of performing of their own accord. 
The courtship went on swimmingly; and the more 
so, as it only lasted three days. The morning of 
the fourth had scarcely dawned, when Michael ap- 
peared before the cabin door of his beloved in a 
little one-h6rse-wagon; and the happy couple seated 
side by side, and covered by an umbrella, which 
the bridegroom had gallantly sported on tlie occa- 
sion, were shortly on the road to visit a neighbour- 


178 


DR. POST AND 


ing magistrate. The bride blushed and giggled, 
and the groom was as usual the happiest man living. 

In the meantime, Fate was preparing a termina- 
tion to their excursion, as unexpected as it was ap- 
palling. The sound of wheels being in Scrabble- 
town a most unusual occurrence, had brought al- 
most the whole population to the doors and win- 
dowsj and, consequently, amongst the spectators of 
Michael’s equipage, were several fair damsels who 
had formerly been candidates for the distinguished 
honour now enjoyed by Katy Collops. The nods 
and smiles of the joyous bride only increased their 
vexation, and there were some amongst them who 
could scarcely conceal their spleen. One, in par- 
ticular, looked extremely black and threatening. 
She was standing at the door of her mother’s cabin, 
accoutred in a most fantastic dress, which, with her 
diminutive and deformed figure, gave her a hideous 
and extraordinary appearance. But ber Iiumpback, 
red hair, and black skin, had apparently had but 
little effect in benumbing the arrows of Cupid, for 
she, amongst others, had laid siege to Michael’s red 
whiskers, and being a most passionate little crea- 
ture, when she beheld the triumph of her success- 
ful rival, her rage was altogether boundless. She 
tore her hair, stamped her foot, and even shook her 
fist in a menacing manner, at the happy occupants 
of the one horse-wagon. At any other time, Katy 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


179 


Collops would, in all probability, have felt much 
inclined to settle the affair according to the rules of 
pugilism; but,, on this occasion, she was laudably 
willing to make all due allowances for the distress 
and disappointment she must necessarily have 
created amongst the less fortunate aspirants. Be- 
sides this, there was something in the appearance 
of little Peg Carey, as she was called, which ren- 
dered even Katy Collops shy of coming more close- 
ly in contact with her than was absolutely requi- 
site; for though she cared not the crack of an egg- 
shell for any thing of common flesh and blood, she 
had a suitable respect for those beings who are sup- 
posed to be of a diflerent character. Now, little 
Peg Carey was more than half suspected to be one 
of the latter description; and what gave great force 
to the suspicion, was, that her mother, old Nanny 
Carey, had Ipng been noted for her skill in the 
mysterious and forbidden science of witchcraft. 
She was old, decrepid, and had a mole on the left 
side of her chin, which gave birth to a tuft of long 
black hairs, shrewdly supposed to have been plant- 
ed there as a mark by Beelzebub hmiself. Besides 
these, she was often seen upon moonlight evenings, 
sailing about the bay with one foot on a shingle, an 
old shoe, or such other singular and unchristian^ 
like vessels. 


180 


DR. POST AND 


“Why, she must have been a horrid witch!’’ 
said Mrs. Peacock. 

‘‘That’s true enough,” answered.Tom, “for as 
to this thing of going to sea on a shingle, or setting 
sail through the clouds on board of a broomstick, 
why, every one knows who has been over the salt 
water as often as I have, that it cannot be done 
without the help of the devil; and of course it must 
come by witchery.” 

Doctor Post opened his mouth to make some ob- 
servations upon the subject, but the rest of the com- 
pany had by this time become so impatient to hear 
what happened to Michael and Katy, that they 
unanimously called upon Mr. Ratlin to go on; and, 
accordingly, having cleared his pipes, and silence 
being again restored, he continued with what will 
be found in the next chapter. 


Chapter XII. 

The story of Michael and Katy continued. 

Meanwhile, the vehicle, freighted with Mi- 
chael and his intended spouse, pursued its way over 
hill and dale. Every thing seemed to smile Upon 
the lovers; ll]^ sun shone brightly, the birds war- 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


181 


bled their gayest notes, and even the wheels of the 
one-horse- w^on, creaked and rattled with unwont- 
ed harmony. Soon arriving at the mansion of the 
squire, the marriage knot was tied with all due 
ceremony, and the parties once more embarking, 
set out on their return to Scrabbletown. The new 
married couple were, of course, completely wrap- 
ped up in each other, and, consequently, the guid- 
ance of their chaise was left pretty much to the 
discretion of Dobbin himself. The latter jogged 
along with admirable deliberation, whilst the two 
turtles cooed and billed, taking no note of time, 
which, to use a poetical metaphor, flew along on 
silver wings; until their caresses were cut short by 
a sudden and curious gyration, which occasioned a 
separation between the one-horse-wagon and its 
contents. 

Michael, finding himself so unexpectedly preci- 
pitated from his seat, at first, thought the day of 
judgment had arrived; bat, after a considerable de- 
scent, perceiving himself safely lodged in a bed of 
sand, and his spouse shaking herself, and swearing 
she was as sound as a pippin, he became comforted, 
and looked around to discover the cause of the ac- 
cident. At the first glance he was astonished to 
see that the sun was just setting, and that they 
were in a place entirely unknown to him. At a 
little distance, Dobbin, with a part of the overturned 


182 


Dlt. POSf AND 


vehicle hanging to his heels, was quietly nipping 
the herbage which grew upon a steep hank; and the 
serpentine wheelruts marking its side, sufficiently 
showed the attention paid by that sagacious quad- 
ruped, to the charge with which he had been in- 
trusted. 

At this sight, Michael commenced twirling his 
red whiskers, and scratching his shock pate in the 
utmost embarrassment. The place was utterly 
strange, and road or path there was none, except 
the forementioned marks of their own wheels upon 
the side of the hill: so that there seemed a strong 
probability of the new married couple being com- 
pelled to seek a nuptial couch amongst the ‘ bonny 
heather,’ In this emergency, Katy, perceiving the 
indecision of her lord and master, ventured to as- 
sume the command herself; and despatching Mi- 
chael in pursuit of the animal, whose inveterate 
propensities for grazing had occasioned all this 
mischief, commenced overhauling the discomfited 
vehicle. Dobbin was easily caught and led back, 
and the greatest damage sustained by the one-horse- 
wagon, was found to be the fracture of one of the 
shafts. Wax-ends and strings of all kinds, were 
immediately put in requisition, and even Katy’s 
garters, which were, fortunately, composed of pret- 
ty staunch materials, here performed the most sig- 
nal service. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


18S 


This important matter arranged, the parties were 
stiil in the greatest perplexity. ‘‘Ah!’^ thought 
Michael, ‘<if we could but meet some one to direct 
us on our road”— the wish was scarcely formed, 
when, turning round, he beheld a man advancing 
towards them, who had the appearance of a pedler. 
His stature was small, and, upon his nearer ap- 
proach, the bridegroom discovered he w^as no ped- 
ler, and that the hump upon his back had been lo- 
cated there by nature. The outlines of his dark 
and swarthy countenance, bore a singular resem- 
blance to those of our quondam acquaintance, little 
Peg Carey, so much, indeed, that Michael was, at 
first, almost induced to believe, that the figure in 
question was no other than that lovelorn damsel, 
masquerading in male attire. A closer view, how- 
ever, convinced him he was mistaken, for the per- 
son before him was of a much stouter make, and his 
hair was coal black; whereas, that of the maiden 
had the genuine hue of the carrot. The stranger 
accosted them courteously, and in answer to Mi- 
chael’s earnest inquiries, protesting he was not only 
well acqjainted with the road he wished to pur- 
sue, but was actually travelling in the same direc- 
tion himself, the bridegroom could do no less, in 
politeness, than invite him to a seat in the one- 
horse- wagon. Accordingly, the whole party was 
soon arranged, and Dobbin again urged forward in 


Q 


184 


DR. POST AND 


a direction pointed out by the guide. The sun had 
by this time fairly sunk to rest, and darkness was 
fast closing around them. The hunchback, how- 
ever, soon showed that he had very little of the 
sulky in his disposition, but laughed, and sang, and 
cracked jokes upon the new married couple, until 
both Michael and Katy were inclined to pronounce 
him the very prince of travelling companions. The 
stranger, on the other hand, seemed also to have 
found his new acquaintances exactly to his taste, 
for, not content with applauding Michael’s “White 
Cockade,” and Katy’s “Barbaree Allen,” to the 
skies, he discovered, after rummaging in the bottom 
of his coat pocket, a bottle of excellent rye-whiskey, 
which the whole party agreed would prove a sove- 
reign preservative against the bad effects of the 
night air. 

But neither whiskey nor good company can hold 
out for ever against drowsiness and fatigue. After 
several hours’ jolting and splashing amongst the 
mud and briers, without finding themselves one jot 
nearer to Scrabbletown, or even to any beaten 
road, than before, both Michael and Katy began to 
find their hilarity greatly on the wane. The hunch- 
back made some attempts to revive the flagging 
conversation, but finding them ineffectual, amused 
himself by chanting doggerel rhymes, with a harsh 
and disagreeable voice. This, also, soon ceased, 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


1B5 


and the total silence was now only interrupted by 
Dobbin, who was manfully floundering through an 
extensive bog, to the evident confusion and dis- 
may of its croaking inhabitants. 

Michael, thus left to his own quiet contempla- 
tions, soon began to feel curious thoughts arising in 
his mind. The resemblance between his unknown 
companion and the witch’s daughter, recurred and 
haunted him continually. There is some differ- 
ence to be sure,” thought he, “ but what of that, if 
she is a witch or a wizard, her master, the devil, 
might have furnished her with the hump and black 
hair, in less time than it would take a mortal man 
like me to twirl his whiskers.” 

Another hour had passed away; and, notwith- 
standing Dobbin had puffed, snorted and splashed 
along without intermission, he seemed to have ef- 
fected very little change in their situation^ Bog 
after bog succeeded each other in interminable suc- 
cession, and Michael was by this time morally con- 
vinced, that his now silent companion was either 
Peg Carey, or her brother, or the devil himself; 
and to whichever of these characters he might be 
really entitled, the bridegroom most cordially 
wished him at the very bottom of the last named 
personage’s most proper dominions. These pre- 
mises established, Michael internally resolved, that 
a separation from the hunchback was indispensable; 


86 


DR. POST AND 


and he began earnestly to bethink himself of the 
means of putting this reasonable resolution into ef- 
fect. He accordingly directed a wistful, but cau- 
tious glance towards the object of his suspicions, 
who was now leaning over the side of the vehicle, 
apparently immersed in a most profound reverie. 
The moment was most tempting. The body of the 
hunchback was nearly in a state of equilibrium, 
and Michael knew enough of mechanics to be aware 
that the elevation of one. end of a balance beam 
causes a corresponding and unavoidable descent of 
the other; and, without waiting to consider whe- 
ther a couch in the mud would prove propitious 
to his meditations or otherwise, he made a sudden 
and violent application to the legs of the unsus- 
pecting soliloquist. But,^ alas! if they had been 
loaded with the whole weight of the Alleghanies, 
he could not have produced a whit the less effect. 
His utmost strength was incapable of producing 
the slightest impression, and he recoiled from the 
unsuccessful attempt in dismay. The hunchback 
slowly raised himself to a perpendicular position, 
and casting upon his companions a look full of the 
most ineffable scorn and contempt, burst forth into 
a peal of such wild and discordant laughter, that 
his title to human lungs, must have been rejected 
by any court in Christendom. Michael and Katy 
looked upon each other in silence, with a most 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


187 


woful expression of astonishment and terror. The 
bursts of laughter rang every moment louder and 
louder in their ears, and the principal performer 
seemed now to be aided by some scores of invisible 
auxiliaries. The air was filled with these obstre- 
perous votaries of Comus; and, as if the employ- 
ment of their ears was not sufficient, whole tribes 
of spectres, of all sorts and sizes, with three feet 
noses, blubber lips, mouths all awry, some running 
on their heads, some with no heads at all, and some 
with heads as thin and flat as a pancake, suddenly 
became visible around them. To maintain their 
courage amongst all this infernal paraphernalia, was 
an act of heroism far above the sphere of Michael 
and Katy; and it is little wonderful, that in a short 
time the one-horse-wagon, Dobbin and all, began to 
spin round and round with such extraordinary ve- 
locity, that all sense and perception in its occupants 
were soon lost in the vortex. 

Here the narrator again paused, but so great was 
the impatience of the company to hear what fur- 
ther accidents befell the occupants of the one-horse- 
wagon, that not a word was spoken, until he had 
refreshed himself with a glass of his favourite be- 
verage, and was ready to begin, as he said, ‘'upon 
the other tack.” For the convenience of the read- 
er, however, we shall transfer the remainder of 
the story to another chapter. 

q2 


183 


Dll. POST AND 


Chapter XIV. 

In which the story of Michael and Katy is 
brought to a conclusion. 

During this time, Master Joel Blossom, keeper 
of the Scrabbletown hotel, had taken his parlour 
door off its wooden hinges, and, laying it across 
a couple of trusses invented for the purpose, made 
therewith, as he himself asserted, a table that might 
have served a king. The friendly neighbours of- 
fered the service of what chairs and stools they 
were possessed of, which, when collected, were 
found sufficient for two sides of the aforesaid table. 
The remaining spaces were occupied by extempore 
benches, arranged in a manner similar to that of the 
latter notable piece of furniture, which was then 
crowned with three longnecked, bigbellied black 
bottles, filled to the brim with the real apple-whis- 
key; and as many huge dishes, loaded with sweet 
cake and gingerbread. All these preparations were 
made, as the reader has doubtless suspected, for 
the delectation of the bride and groom; as well as 
for those friends whom Michael had generously 
resolved to entertain with a magnificence befitting 
the occasion. The guests came, but the new mar- 
ried couple did not make their appearance. The 
day, the evening, and finally the night passed away. 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


189 


but still they came not. Every one was now firm* 
ly convinced, that some untoward accident had ha]> 
pened, and, early in the morning, the whole party, 
headed by Joel himself, set out in search of the 
fugitives. Their pursuit, however, did not by any 
means prove so tedious as might have been ex- 
pected. 

At the distance of a short mile from Scrabble- 
town, Joel, who claimed the right of ownership to 
our old acquaintance, Dobbin, discovered his track 
upon an old sandfield, which track he swore he 
could distinguish from that ‘of any other cretur that 
ever went barefoot.’ Here that sagacious quadru- 
ped had evidently quartered himself during the 
greatest part of the preceding day, since his track, 
and those of the wheels of the one-horse- wagon, was 
to be found in every corner of the field. A few 
hundred yards from this place, the wondering vil- 
lagers came to the sandbank which had occasioned 
the first accident, and still further on, their asto- 
nishment was yet more increased at finding an ex- 
tensive swampy morass, marked with tracks and 
wheelruts in every possible direction. The great- 
est part of the night must have been spent in pass- 
ing to and fro about this bog, since, in JoePs la- 
mentations for the hard fate of poor Dobbin, he 
said, ‘ there wasn’t a space the bigness of a barn- 
shovel, which the poor baste hadn’t put his foot 


190 


DR. POST AND 


into.’ That animal, though in most woful pickle, 
was still standing with his wagon in the very mid- 
dle of the swamp, but neither Michael nor Katy 
were visible in any direction. It was unanimously 
voted by the company, that there had been some 
most foul witchcraft at the bottom of this business, 
and the discovery of two small eggs in the bed of 
the one-horse-wagon, seemed to furnish them with 
incontestible proofs of it. 

Joel carefully preserved these eggs, and, with 
the view of making diamond cut diamond, he car- 
ried them to another old woman, who had the re- 
putation of being a greater witch, if possible, than 
Mother Carey herself. This beldame directed him 
to place them under a sitting hen, and to give her 
notice when they were hatched. This was accord- 
ingly done, and in due process of time, appeared 
two little birds, of a different species from any that 
had ever before been observed. They were about 
the size of the swallow, with a white ring around 
their bodies, and a broad fan-shaped tail. 

The friendly witch, being sent for, declared that 
these birds were no other than Michael and Katy. 
She immediately plucked two feathers from each 
of their tails, and sewing them together in the shape 
of a cross, placed them in two basins of water. 
After allowing them to soak for a reasonable time, 
they were taken out, and the water poured into one 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


19 


vessel. ■ The witch then stirred the mixture for 
some time with the tail of a huge lizard, at the 
same time mumbling over some obscure kind of 
spell, which seemed to run thus: 

Water mix and water mingle, 

Boil and bubble, 

Peace and trouble. 

Spirit double. 

Spirit single, 

Water mix and water mingle. 

The efficacy of this powerful charm was soon 
verified; for, as she chanted the last words, the 
water in the basin began to effervesce with great 
violence. At this moment she took some of it in 
the palm of her hand, and sprinkled it upon the 
two birds, which Joel held in readiness by a string 
attached to each of their legs. The effect was in- 
stantaneous. Their bodies began to enlarge, and 
their legs to lengthen; and all the spectators shout- 
ed for joy, as they beheld the bill of one of them 
gradually flatten out, and exhibit on each side, the 
well known red whiskers in all their pristine beau- 
ty and luxuriance. As the transformation went on, 
the tuft of feathers upon the back of his head was 
slowly converted into a reputable wool hat, bearing 
by way of band, a coil of tow thread with a tobacco 
pipe entwined upon one side and a sprig of cedar 
on the other; whilst his wings stretched out until 


192 


DR. POST AND 


their tips fell upon one of the forementioned big- 
bellied bottles, and when the feathers had melted 
away, both his hands were found firmly clenched 
around its neck. Long and ardent was the em- 
brace which the happy Michael bestowed upon 
this much loved old acquaintance; he pressed it to 
his lips; he held it at arm’s length, and shut one eye 
whilst he examined it with the other; then pressed 
it to his mouth again. Finally, he placed it upon 
the table for a space, and turning towards Katy, 
who was now also relieved from her feathers, he 
seized upon both her hands, and, striking up the 

White Cockade,” led off with a jig that might 
have done honour to a more distinguished ballroom. 
An old cottager, who sat in one corner, caught the 
spirit, and seized upon a dried calabash, ingeniously 
rigged, with three strings, in the manner of a fid- 
dle, whilst all the boys in the village tuned up 
their cornstalks and pumpkinsprouts, the girls ran 
for their shoes and stockings; and, in fine, there 
never was such a day of rejoicing since the founda- 
tion of Scrabbletown. 

It only remains to mention, that the friendly 
witch, not content with effecting this happy trans- 
formation, exerted all her art to bestow the same 
feathers from which she had liberated Michael and 
Katy, upon Peg Carey and her hunchback brother. 
She succeeded, and even metamorphosed them so 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


193 


firmly, that Mother Carey, with all her art, was 
unable to restore them. She fed them, however, 
with her own hand, and they were universally 
known by the name of Mother Carey’s chickens.” 
They always accompanied her in her excursions 
upon the water, of which, as we have before men- 
tioned, the old hag was extremely fond. After her 
death, they betook themselves entirely to the sea, 
and were never after seen upon land. From these 
two birds, sprang a numerous progeny , which still 
preserve their original appellation of << Mother Ca- 
rey’s chickens.” They love to take the wing in 
storms and tempests, and are now to be seen at 
such times, skimming over the surface of the waves 
in every part of the ocean. 

Having concluded his tale in this manner, the 
narrator expected and received the unbounded ap- 
plause of his auditors. Every one rejoiced mightily 
at the happy liberation of the lovers, and were 
scarcely less pleased with the appropriate punish- 
ment which was inflicted upon little Peg Carey 
and the hunchback. 

Such, however, is the waywardness of human 
nature, that I have little doubt but there will be 
some, who merely through a cavilling, fault-finding, 
suspicious disposition, will not fail to condemn it, 


194 


DR. POST AND 


as improbable, and verging too much upon the mar- 
vellous, without reflecting that infidelity in matters 
of this kind, is productive of manifold inconveni- 
ences, both to themselves, and to those who cater 
for their amusement. 

In confirmation of the schoolmaster’s veracity, I 
must observe that I have since made some inquiries 
at Scrabbletown, and found that every one of the 
inhabitants, male and female, were ready to vouch 
for the truth of the narrative. In fact, the story 
had been handed down with so much regularity 
from father to son, and from mother to daughter, 
that no reasonable doubt could be entertained of 
its correctness. I had also the pleasure of seeing 
Michael’s bog, which still exists in the neighbour- 
hood, and is famous for the abundance of fine fat 
snapping turtles which inhabit it. 

Many of the town’s people assured me, moreover, 
that Michael lived long and happily with his bride, 
becoming, in process of time, post-master, and jus- 
tice of the peace, and, before his death, was even 
talked of for the legislature. He used to sit in his 
stall, with a compendium of the laws upon one 
side of him, a foot measure upon the other, and the 
letter-box between his legs; which is all that is told 
of him, except that his red whiskers, though some- 
what diminished in size, looked almost as fresh at 


THE WIDOW PEWEETLE. 


195 


the day of his death, as at the time when they crea- 
ted so much confusion amongst the fair damsels of 
Scrabbletown. 

And here, gentle reader, concludes the second 
book of our chronicles. 


END OF BOOK II. 


BOOK III. 

COXTAIXIXO THEADVEJ^TVRE^OFJl TATTERDEMALlOff. 

Chapter I. 

The sagacious Jeremy Peters states, that, when 
he had finished his second book, he remained with 
his head reclined upon his hand, chewing his pens, 
and biting his finger-nails to the quick, for nearly 
an hour, before he could determine in his own 
mind, what events should next be recorded in the 
course of this incomparable history. The materials 
before him were so ample and so various, that he 
was in almost as great a quandary as doctor Post 
had been with his five actions; but, at length, after 
lighting his cigar, and puffing vigorously for some 
moments, he began to find a delightful, placid kind 
of feeling stealing oyer his senses. The dingy 
white walls before him, gave place to a range of 
verdant fields and meadows, where the mowers 
and reapers were singing their ‘‘harvest home,’’ 
and the ruddy milk-maids, with their russet frocks 
and bright scoured pails, tripped lightly about the 


ADVENTURES OF A TATTERDEMALION. 197 

fragrant lawn, whilst a stream, bordered on either 
side with the sweetbrier and wild honeysuckle, 
sung its gentle murmurs in his ears 

Which was the happiest fancy that could possi- 
bly have entered his imagination, for it afforded 
him a clue at once, by which he could relieve him- 
self from his embarrassment. If, in following the 
course of that streamlet,’’ said he to himself, ‘‘we 
attempt to trace all its branches to tlieir sources, 
there are a hundred chances to one, we shall be 
led into some thicket or quagmire, where we may 
stick fast in the mud, or lacerate our hands with 
the brambles; if we diverge from our path at all, it 
will be but an act of prudence to reflect in time, 
and turn back with a hop, skip and jump.” 

“Hop, skip and jump!” cried he, slapping the 
stump of his pen into the inkstand, “that very 
idea is worth an ace of trumps.” 


Chapter II. 

So, gentle reader, Mrs. Peweetle, having, at 
length, got rid of her widowship, removed with her 
spouse, to a neat little two storied frame dwell- 
ing, at one end of Turkeytown, where they ma- 


198 


ADVENTURES OF A 


naged to get alpng as well as most married peoplOy 
notwithstanding the prognostications which some 
maliciously disposed persons who had nothing bet- 
ter to do, amused themselves by founding upon 
the unusual brevity of their courtship. There was 
a willow tree upon one side of the door, under 
which the good lady was often seen with her knit- 
ting, in fine weather; and a sand bank upon the 
other, admirably adapted to the convenience of the 
little Peacocks, who there built their ovens, turned 
their somersets, and played all manner of frolick- 
some gambols, to the great amusement of the pas- 
sengers. 

As to doctor Post, he lost no time in re-establish- 
ing himself in his old quarters. Arriving about 
dinner-time, he swallowed a dish of soup with so 
much precipitation that he had nearly parboiled 
his oesophagus, and then hastening to his own room, 
drew forth his saddle-bags with as much glee and 
exultation as a child who has just received a penny 
whistle. He examined every article with the ut- 
most minuteness, to ascertain what damage they 
had sustained during his absence; and when he 
came to his favourite syringe, he continued for a 
long time adjusting the tow, and trying its opera* 
tions in the wash-basin, before he could prevail 
upon himself to part with it. 

In this manner things reverted into their usual 


TATTERDEMALION. 


199 


channel. Doctor Lavender continued his rounds, 
followed at the proper distance by his assistant; 
my father was busily employed in perfecting a new 
plough of his own invention; and every thing and 
every body seemed to get along in perfect har- 
mony, except your humble servant, who continued 
to receive a flogging about three times a week, in 
consequence of an accident with which he had as 
little to do as the emperor of Morocco. The fact 
was, the means taken by Mrs. Pots and my nurse, 
had not had the efiect of divesting the arch enemy 
of the power he had acquired over me, by the 
original sin committed by my mother in burning 
the louse; or, at least, not entirely so, as was 
evinced by the extraordinary proneness to mischief 
which, as I grew older, appeared every day more 
and more apparent in my disposition. At first my 
exploits were chiefly confined to throwing all the 
various articles I could lay hold of into the fire, and 
it was computed, that, previous to my first birth- 
day, I had destroyed in this manner, seven worked 
lace caps, three aprons, eleven pairs of shoes and 
stockings, and an innumerable quantity of miscel- 
laneous nick-nacks and play-things. As I grew 
able to run about, I aspired to higher achievements, 
such as pulling my uncle’s long queue whenever I 
could get an opportunity, drawing the cups and 
saucers off the tea-table when I was not watched, 

R 2 


200 


ADVENTURES OF A 


and one day I cgpped the climax, by lifting up one 
of our neighbours’ children by the heels, and 
soucing him neck and ears into a tub of rain water, 
as he was leaning over the edge to play with a paper 
boat. For each of these pranks I commonly re- 
ceived a severe castigation, and this was, in truth, 
the chief result that grew out of the whole of the 
proceedings formerly narrated; for the services of 
my nurse having in due time been dispensed with, 
there was no one else who thought of applying 
to any remedy but the birch. Mrs. Pots had left 
the family also, because my mother most unrea- 
sonably insisted upon having the potatoes boiled 
before they were peeled; whilst the former declared 
they ought always to be peeled first, and would 
sooner have sufiered martyrdom, than have boiled 
them in any other manner. Happily, the next 
cook agreed with my mother in opinion, and things 
went on smoothly again. But it seems that fami- 
lies, like empires, are fated never to remain long in 
a state of quiescence; and, accordingly, my father 
had no sooner completed his plough, which cost 
him and the blacksmith several weeks of incessant 
labour, than every thing was once more thrown 
into confusion. 

It happened, that on the day he had fixed upon 
to make trial of it, he was obliged to go upon some 
urgent business to a neighbouring village, and. 


TATTERDEMALION. 


201 


after seeing the horses attached to it, he departed, 
leaving directions with the ploughman, to turn up 
ground for a turnip patch. Hastening back with 
considerable anxiety to see the result, he was sur- 
prised to find his plough safely laid up on the dung 
heap, and the ploughman whistling with great com- 
posure on the fence beside it. 

‘‘What, Jacob!’^ cried he, “w'^hat! what is the 
matter? you have not done already?’’ 

“No, sir,” said Jacob, “the plough wont go.” 

“Wont go!” cried my father, in a rage, “that 
is a likely story. Is it not a coulter made to cut 
better than any other coulter that ever was in- 
vented, and a mouldboard and share both improved ? 
don’t tell me, sirrah! the plough wont go.” 

“ Well, sir, perhaps you can make it go; I can’t,” 
said Jacob, sullenly. 

“ Then you may go yourself, and be damned to 
you,” said my father. So Jacob packed up his 
goods and chattels, and away he went. 

In the course of a fortnight, seven other plough- 
men came and went in the same manner, only that 
they generally saved my father the trouble of turn- 
ing them away, by going of their own accord. 
Here was a pretty mess — my father was almost 
at his wits’ end; his turnip patch went unploughed, 
because nobody would work with the best plough 
in the country. At length, as he w'as sitting one 


ADVENTURES OF A 


202 

morning in his library, Jenny- Jobson ushered a 
poor ragged-looking rascal into his presence, who, 
from his appearance, seemed little adapted for any 
thing but a scarecrow; and he having asked for 
employment^ niy father desired to know if he 
thought he could manage a newly invented plough. 

think I could manage any thing, sir, if you 
would but employ me,” said the tatterdemalion. 

<‘Do you?” cried my father, ‘^1 will hire you 
directly — Jenny, tell Job to drive Jubal and Jonas 
up from the meadow instantly- Where did you 
come from, my friend?’^ he continued, “you seem 
to have more docility than most men of your class. 

“I have been taught it by misfortune, sir,” he 
replied, “ I came last from the jail.” 

From the jail !” said my father, “ that seems 
but a small recommendation, though, in looking for 
service.” 

“Why, so I have found it, sir,” answered he of 
the rags, in a melancholy tone, but, somehow or 
other, it runs so strongly in my head, that I am un- 
able to keep it away from my tongue. It is a fault 
I have had, sir, from a boy, or rather it is a kind 
of weakness in my disposition, which always leads 
me to tell the truth, just at the time when it is cal- 
culated to do me the most mischief.” 

There was something in this, and indeed in the 
man’s whole manner and appearance, that struck 


TATTERDEMALION. 


203 


my father as very unusual; and after some further 
questions, he felt so much interested, that he de- 
sired him to sit down and relate the principal oc- 
currences of his life. 

My story is none of the shortest,” said the tat- 
terdemalion, but if you will have the goodness 
to order me some food, for, in truth, I am almost 
famished, I will endeavour to gratify your wish 
in the best manner I am able.” 

Why did you not mention this before,” said 
my father, hastily giving orders for food and wine 
to be set before him. The poor fellow applied him- 
self so long and so vigorously to the different ar- 
ticles, that my father, who, whatever might have 
been his faults and follies, did not want humanity, 
took more pleasure in beholding him, than he 
would have done with a dozen stories. At length, 
having satisfied his appetite, he turned round, and 
began his narrative in very good language, as fol- 
lows. 

THE TATTERDEMALION’S STORY. 

My name, said he, is Dennis; I was born near the 
city of Burlington, and having had the misfortune 
to lose my father whilst I was yet an infant, I was 
left dependent for protection upon my mother alone. 
She resided in a cottage in the outskirts of the 
town, to which was attached a small spot of ground 


204 


ADVENTURES OF A 


which afforded a few vegetables; and by taking in 
washing for some of the neighbouring families, she 
contrived to pick up an honest, though scanty live- 
lihood. Notwithstanding her poverty, she was a 
tender parent, and did every thing in her power to 
continue me at school, and enable me to make a 
decent appearance; depriving herself for that pur- 
pose, as I have reason to believe, of the comforts 
and even many of the necessaries of life. 

In this manner we continued to get along, until 
I was about nine years old, when the health of my 
mother, who was not of a robust constitution, began 
to fail, and soon became so much impaired, that 
she was no longer able to work. To crown our 
misfortunes, my elder sister, who was at service, 
and had from time to time assisted us with part of 
her earnings, fell sick of a fever and died. This 
event gave my mother a shock from which she 
never recovered, and as we had now no resource, 
we were soon reduced to the utmost distress. Our 
goods were seized and sold by a set of rapacious 
creditors, who ransacked the house so closely, that 
they left not a single article except the bed upon 
which my mother was lying, and I believe they 
would even have taken that, had not the law pre- 
vented them. I shall never forget the sense of de- 
solation with which I was filled after these harpies 
had left us; happily the weather was warm, but the 


TATTERDEMALION. 


205 


house was not only destitute of furniture, but even 
of food. A single loaf of bread was all that remain- 
ed, and when that was dQ,voured, my mother called 
me to her bedside, and said, ‘‘my child! we have 
now no one to depend upon, but him who feeds 
the birds of the air, and the beasts of the field; 
surely he will not suffer us to starve in the midst 
of plenty. Go out, my son, and see if you can find 
any one charitable enough to render us assistance.” 

As my mother pronounced these words, her face 
became very pale, and I thought I could hear the 
word “ beggar,” though it was uttered so low as to 
be almost inaudible. For my part, my affliction 
had in it so much of childish selfishness, that I was 
glad to escape from the house, and, hastening into 
the tpwn, made my first essay in begging at a store, 
where I saw a number of people engaged in pur- 
chasing different articles of merchandise. After 
waiting some time for an opportunity, I addressed 
a person behind the counter, begging him for the 
love of God to assist a poor woman in distress; but 
without so much as receiving an answer, I was im- 
mediately thrust into the street. This repulse dis- 
couraged me so much, that I was afraid to venture 
into another house, and continued standing on the 
pavement, endeavouring to solicit the attention of 
such passengers as came along; but they all either 
passed widiout notice, or only stopped to make some 


206 


ADVENTURES OF A 


observations upon the importunity of beggars, and 
the folly of giving them encouragement. To have 
heard them, one must have supposed that their 
purses were not closed against the claims of misery 
by selfishness, but rather by charity herself, since 
their own dispositions would have led them to af- 
ford relief, had they not been so commendably 
fearful of augmenting the sufferings of a large class 
of their fellow mortals, by bestowing a bounty upon 
idleness. I have since found that it is perfectly 
easy to find excuses, and even praises, for the non- 
performance of almost any action, to which our in- 
clinations are opposed. 

At length, however, I bethought me of an old 
man, who was very rich, and for whom my mother 
had sometimes done little jobs of work. He was 
in the habit of sitting on the porch before his door 
for the greatest part of the day, and usually spoke 
a few words to almost every one who passed. 
When I went up to him, he accordingly addressed 
me first. “Well, John,’’ said he, ‘^why are you 
not at school, to-day?” 

“ My mother, sir,” said I. 

«Well, how is your mother, John?” said he, in- 
terrupting me. 

“She is very sick, sir,” I said. 

“Hum,” said the old man, “and who made thy 


TATTERDEMALIOX. 


2or 

shoes, John?’^ and, without waiting for an answer, 
turned upon his heel and went into the house. 

This cold blooded cruelty, as I then thought it, 
though I now believe th,e difference was only in 
the individual peculiarity of the man, wounded my 
feelings much more keenly than any of the ruder 
■rejections I had experienced; and, now, utterly de- 
spairing of procuring any assistance, I turned around 
and began to cry most bitterly. This attracted the 
attention of several people, but no one spoke to 
me, until, at length, a quaker lady, who chanced 
to be passing, came up and inquired the cause. I 
informed her, with a broken voice, of the distress 
of my mother, and she at once accompanied me to 
the house. 

She was shocked at the state in which she found 
it, and immediately set about affording us relief in 
the most effectual manner. She caused a sufficiency 
of food to be sent to us, and coming every day to 
the house herself, brought with her a variety of lit- 
tle things, which my mother^s bad state of health 
rendered peculiarly acceptable. I thought to my- 
self, that my mother had well said, that he who 
fed the birds of the air, and the beasts of the field, 
would not desert us, when he had sent this charita- 
ble lady to our assistance. Although I was so 
jroung at the time, her image is now, and ever will 
be, indelibly fixed upon my mind. But, notwith- 


208 


ADVENTURES OF A 


standing all this kindness, my mother’s disease con* 
tinned to gain ground, and finally she died. Here 
the poor tatterdemalion paused, and brushed a tear 
from his eyelid with his. ragged sleeva ‘‘Excuse 
me, sir,” said he, “I loved my mother.” “Hang 
the fellow,” said my father to himself, “ I will 
hire him, whether he can work the new plough or 
not.” 

Well, sir, he continued, my poor mother died, 
and from that moment I may date the commence- 
ment of all my troubles. I have dwelt upon these 
scenes, because, although I have since met with 
many distressing ones, I have never seen any that 
affected me so deeply. 



Chapter HI. 

The Tatterdemalion'^ s story continued. 

After the death of my mother, continued the 
narrator, having but few relatives, and none of them 
choosing to interest themselves in my behalf, I fell 
under the charge of the overseers of the poor, who 
sent me to the Almshouse. Here I first began to 
be sensible of the miserable condition of an orphan 
in poverty. I was clothed in a frock and trowsers 


TATTERDEMALION. 


209 


made of coarse tow-cloth, and put to herd amongst 
a flock of other children, the most of whom were 
either idiots, or afflicted with some hideous or loath- 
some disease. Amongst the multitude of paupers 
constantly exposed to my sight, there were many, 
both men and women, who exhibited every species 
of frightful deformity; and these, with the bowlings 
of the insane wretches who were confined in the 
cells, and many other horrible and disgusting ob- 
jects to which I was hourly exposed, made such an 
impression upon my imagination, that I could nei- 
ther sleep at night, nor feel the least disposition to 
cheerfulness during the day. 

At length, I was bound by the overseers to ^a 
farmer; and was at first so much delighted at having 
escaped from my prison, that I felt completely hap- 
py; but I soon found that I had no great reason for 
rejoicing. My master, though wealthy, was of 
such a miserly disposition, that he sent all the pro- 
duce of his farm, which was at all saleable, to mar- 
ket; forcing his family and servants to live upon 
those offals, which no one else thought worth the 
having. These were not only deficient in quality, 
but in quantity, and as I was incomparably the least 
of the family in consideration or importance, I ge- 
nerally came in for little more than the dust of the 
cheeseparings. Being likewise obliged to work 
constantly in the fields from morning till night, my 


210 


ADVENTURES OF A 


appetite was so voracious that I could almost have 
devoured the very corn-husks; and really I believe 
I should have famished, had I not fallen upon a 
plan for providing myself with more agreeable 
provisions. This I effected by robbing the hen’s 
nests, and though the theft was soon discovered, no 
one suspected me, but all laid the whole blame 
upon the innocent cats. I chuckled greatly at this 
lucky mistake, and concluded that I had nothing 
further to do, but to go on and feast upon the eggs 
at my owm pleasure. But, alas! the cats which had 
served my purpose so admirably, w6re soon killed 
off; and the farmer’s wife finding that this made 
little difference, began to employ every means in 
her power to discover what it was that made so 
much havoc with one of the chief sources of her 
profits. It is useless to state what these were; suf- 
fice it to say that I was caught in the fact, and flog- 
ged so unmercifully, that I thought I had not an 
atom of skin left upon my body. As soon as I 
could escape from my master’s grasp, I fled to the 
barn, and coiling myself in the bottom of a barrel 
that was not used, remained there for nearly three 
days, without daring to venture out of my place 
of concealment. None of the family could ima- 
gine what had become of me, until at length 1 was 
accidentally discovered by some one, and being 
drawn forth, should have received another flogging, 


TATTERDEMALION. 


211 


had not my master been alarmed, by the weak- 
ness to which I had been reduced by remaining so 
long without food. He accordingly contented him- 
self with making me swallow a cup of milk with a 
crust of bread, and then sent me back to the Alms- 
house. 

Here my situation was now much worse than it 
had been before; for my master had represented my 
character in so bad a light, that it not only pro- 
cured me harsh treatment from the manager, but 
prevented others who applied for apprentices from 
taking me out. In this manner I was compelled 
to perform the most menial offices for the paupers, 
and had the inexpressible mortification of seeing 
other children daily chosen, whilst I, though fre- 
quently noticed and commended for my appear- 
ance, was universally rejected. At last, however, 
when 1 had given over all hope, and was endeav- 
ouring to reconcile myself to the idea of becoming 
a pauper for life; there came one day a gentleman 
on horseback, who, having the boys paraded before 
him, after a hasty glance over the group, ordered 
his servant to take me home; and then rode off 
without staying to ask a single question, being 
anxious, as I afterwards learned, to lose no time in 
attending a horse-race at some distance. 

I was now introduced into a family, as different 
from that of my former master, as it was possible 
s 2 


212 


ADVENTURES OF A 


to conceive. My present patron was a bachelor, 
who lived upon a fine farm, but spent all his time 
in fox-chasing, racing, and other amusements of the 
same nature. I lived here three years, and liked 
the place so well, that I thought I never eould con- 
gratulate myself enough upon the* lucky chance 
which had procured it for me. I was totally under 
the direction of an old mulatto woman who acted 
as housekeeper, and of a hired man who attended 
to the business of the farm. These, though they 
sometimes chose to show their authority by a few 
kicks and cuffs, did not, upon the whole, use me 
badly; and, as to the living, we fared sumptuously, 
for the housekeeper and foreman, who were very 
good friends, took care to have enough cooked, not 
only for our own family, but for those of all their 
friends and relations; and these were so numerous, 
that I used sometimes to think that half the coun- 
ty was fed from our table. As to my master, I 
seldom saw him; for he was very rarely at home, 
and, indeed, he would sometimes ride out in the 
morning, and be gone for two or three weeks, 
without informing a soul of his intentions. In the 
meantime his riches could not have been furnished 
with a better pair of wings, than the two worthies 
who had the direction of his affairs. They acted 
with concert in all things, and only seemed to vie 
with each other in the adroitness with which they 


TATTERDEMALION. 


213 


contrived means and opportunities for appropriat- 
ing his effects to their own uses. As many of their 
practices were carried on openly, I could not avoid 
seeing them ; and having really some regard for my 
master, I at last came to a resolution to inform him 
of the manner in which these people were making 
way with his effects. 1 had no doubt but he would 
have taken measures at once to put an end to their 
fine schemes, but I was mistaken ; I could per- 
ceive no alteration in their conduct towards my 
master, but a very great one towards me. They 
had, by some means or other, obtained information 
of the manner in which I had acted, and from that 
moment I was exposed to such tyrannical usage, that 
my situation was soon rendered intolerable. I bore 
up against this for some time, but, at last, great as 
was the dread I had of the Almshouse, I began to 
think of making an escape, and should certainly 
have attempted it, had not their united efforts 
brought my master’s affairs to a crisis sooner than 
I had expected. To cut the matter short, he be- 
came a bankrupt, whilst the mulatto retired to live 
as a gentlewoman, and the foreman set up farming 
on his own account. I had the good fortune to find 
a new place, without going back to the Almshouse. 

This was with a widow who resided at no great 
distance, and to whom I had become known by 
being frequently sent to her house upon various 


214 


ADVENTURES OF A 


errands. Here, again, I found a great change. 
The old lady was a methodist, and a great devotee. 
Being, besides, the only one of the society of any 
wealth, who resided in the neighbourhood, her 
house was constantly thronged by professors, who 
came on foot and on horseback from all quarters, 
to enjoy the good cheer of their more favoured sis- 
ter. One of the principal inconveniences I found 
in her service, was, the being obliged to attend all 
the innumerable meetings for prayer and worship, 
which these religious gentlemen thought proper to 
hold; for my mistress would have been greatly 
shocked if any of her domestics had been deprived 
of the opportunity of profiting by these edifying 
occasions. During the two years I resided here, 
however, I became much more attached to her than 
to either of my former masters, as indeed I had 
good reason to be; for she not only treated me with 
kindness, but bestowed considerable attention upon 
my education, which had before been almost total- 
ly neglected. Having some taste for study, I im- 
proved rapidly, at whicli the good old lady was 
highly pleased, and, for my part, I felt so much 
gratitude, that I believe I should have been con- 
tented to have served her to the day of my death: 
but the fates had ordained it otherwise. 

Though I had no doubt, but that amongst the 
number of religious persons who were constantly 


TATTERDEMALION. 


215 


at her house, there were some of sincere piety, I 
could not help suspecting that many of them were 
no better than rank hypocrites; and the following 
circumstance confirmed me in this opinion. One 
of those gentlemen who travelled upon foot, came 
one day to my mistress, and, assuring her that the 
wolves were making dreadful havoc amongst the 
sheep, at *a certain place, some fifteen oi; twenty 
miles distant, desired the loan of a horse, that he 
might with the greater expedition ride down and 
protect the flock. The good old lady rejoiced at 
having it thus in her power to forward the good 
work, instantly gave orders to saddle and bridle 
the best horse in the stable ; and away ^trotted her 
champion against the wolves; but whether he con- 
quered them or they him, was never ascertained, 
since neither he nor the horse thought proper to 
come back with the tidings. I could not bear to 
see my kind mistress imposed upon in this manner, 
and after the event just narrated I even ventured 
to express my sentiments pretty freely; the result 
of which was, that I was called up, and after a se- 
vere reprimand, dismissed, to seek my fortunes else- 
where. 

During my residence here, I had contrived to 
hoard up a small stock of money, and now being 
tired of farming, and desirous to see more of the 
world, I resolved to go to the city of P — — ; 


216 


ADVENTURES OF A 


and, accordingly, having tied up my small slock of 
clothing in a bundle, I trudged off with a light 
heart and cheerful spirits, for, though I was sensi- 
ble that there was not a being in the world who 
cared a two-pence about me, my mind was natural- 
ly buoyant, and I reflected that a stout active lad 
like myself, could hardly fail to make his way 
through the world without much difficulty. I 
thought, besides, that the experience I had already 
gained, had given me a complete insight into hu- 
man nature, and that I should be able to detect 
roguery, however artfully concealed. 

Entertaining these views, I arrived at the city 
without any accident, and found myself at once 
confused by the multitude of new and strange ob- 
jects that every where presented themselves to my 
notice. Whilst I was gazing about, a decent look- 
ing man came up, and began to enter into conver- 
sation with me. Observing that I was a stranger, 
he pointed out a variety of interesting matters, and 
took occasion to mention that it was the practice of 
the inhabitants of this hospitable city, to treat their 
visiters with every possible attention ; and begged 
that if he could in any manner forward my pros- 
pects, I would communicate them to him without 
hesitation. Charmed with this frankness, and with 
the character of the people I had got amongst, I 
did so at once, and he, in return, assured me that 


TATTERDEMALION. 


2ir 


he could help me to a suitable place, and, in the 
mean time, invited me to make my home at his 
house. Accordingly, after some further conversa- 
tion, I wenf with him to a dwelling of respectable 
appearance, where I passed the night. In the 
morning, my kind entertainer proposed, as a fur- 
ther extension of his hospitality, to show me the 
principal curiosities of the place; but first asked 
me if I was in the habit of carrying my money 
about my person. Upon informing him that I was, 
he assured me that it was exceedingly imprudent, 
and that it was a thing never practised among the 
citizens, for the streets were filled with thieves so 
daring and dexterous in their profession, that they 
would infallibly clear my pockets of every copper, 
before I had proceeded a dozen squares. Alarmed 
at this declaration, I took out my few dollars which 
I had tied up in a linen rag, and begged him, as a 
great favour, to preserve them for me; which he 
very graciously promised to do. 

We then went out, and, after walking about an 
hour through different streets and alleys, my con- 
ductor stopped at a corner, and desired me to re- 
main there for a moment, whilst he stepped up a 
neighbouring alley upon some very particular bu- 
siness. I saw him depart without the least suspi- 
cion, and waited patiently for his return a long 
time. At length, however, I became somewhat 


218 


ADVENTURES OF A 


uneasy, and began to question several persons as 
they passed, if they had seen any thing of Mr. 
Jones, (which was the name I had heard him called 
by at the house.) Most of them only stared and 
laughed at me; but, after some time, there came 
along a man of very gentlemanly appearance, who 
stopped and asked, what Mr. Jones 1 wanted, where 
he lived, and what was his business, all of which I 
knew no more of than the man in the moon. I 
could not even tell the name of the street where 
the house he had taken me to was situated. Seeing 
me so much confused, he began to suspect that I 
had been imposed upon, and, when I had, accord- 
ing to his request, related the circumstances, he 
told me at once, that I need give myself no further 
trouble in seeking for Mr. Jones or my money, 
for that both were, by this time, safe enough. He 
laughed a good deal at my simplicity, but when he 
had amused himself in this manner, he spoke kind- 
ly, and desired me to follow him to his house, 
which was at no great distance. 

He led me into a very handsome building, when 
being seated, he told me to inform him of my name, 
and what objects had induced me to come hither. I 
related briefly the outlines of my story, and when 
I had done, he told me he was in want of a boy to 
take care of his horse, and to perform some other 
little offices for which my country education ren- 


TATTERDEMALION. 


219 


dered me very suitable. He, therefore, hired me 
at once, and, at the same time, took occasion to 
warn me, to beware of all persons who were so ex- 
cessively hospitable. For my part, I was so well 
pleased with my new situation, that I easily forgave 
the rascal my money, though I never could pardon 
myself for being such an egregious simpleton. 

I lived with this gentleruan, who was a respecta- 
ble merchant, nearly four years, during which time 
I became pretty well acquainted with the manners 
of the town, and learned, in particular, that roguery 
is not confined to farmers, or housekeepers, nor to 
the professors of religion and hospitality. I shall 
not, however, fatigue 5"ou with a narration of all 
the events I here met with; it is enough to state, 
that I again talked myself out of my comfortable 
quarters; for, seeing my lady’s waiting maid ap- 
propriate several articles to her use that were not 
her own, out of regard for my master I accused her 
of the theft; but not being able to substantiate the 
charge, she had suflicient influence to procure my 
expulsion from the family. 

Being now without employment, I applied to a 
barber, who had united with his shop a sort of in- 
telligence office, and he, for a proper consideration, 
hired me to a grocer a few days afterwards. My 
duties now consisted in carrying home small pack- 
ages for the customers, w’atering and measuring 

T 


220 


ADVENTURES OF A 


rum and molasses, and voting for my master, who> 
was a great politician, at the different ward meet- 
ings and elections. He was connected with a num- 
ber of other gentlemen, all flaming patriots, and 
such great sticklers for the rights of the people, that 
they had an invincible antipathy to seeing the po- 
pulace led by the nose, by any but themselves. 
When they had any measures to carry, they usual- 
ly met together in private to concert their schemes; 
and then, as they were most of them persons who 
employed a number of workmen, they were gene- 
rally able to repair to the place of rendezvous with 
a force sufficient to defend their rights against all 
aggressions. Sometimes, however, the people turn- 
ed, traitors to themselves, and most preposterously 
out-voted my master and his friends; which was, 
doubtless, owing to some corruption and intrigue 
that had crept in amongst them, notwithstanding 
all our laudable efforts to prevent it. For myself, 
I must confess I liked the sport extremely well; 
for, besides showing ourselves as men of conse- 
quence, we were allowed to drink as much liquor 
and make as much noise as we pleased, which af- 
forded the body of the people, that is, myself and 
the rest of our faction, an excellent opportunity of 
enjoying a frolic at our masters’ expense. So, leav- 
ing the course of my patriotism to be directed by 
those who knew more of such matters, I cocked 


TATTERDEMALION. 


221 


my hat on one side, and huzza’d for liberty and 
the rights of the people as loudly as the best of 
them. After I had gone on in this manner for 
sometime, an event occurred which damped my 
rising ardour with a vengeance. Being employed 
by my master one night, to paste* up a quantity of 
handbills, containing severe strictures upon the 
character of the candidate he was opposed to, I was 
set upon by some bullies belonging to the opposite 
party, who mauled me so terribly, that I was left 
upon the ground without sense or motion. But 
this was not all; for the watchman hearing the 
noise, came up, and whilst the aggressors escaped, 
secured me for having broken the peace; when, 
heaven knows! the peace and my head were both 
broken together, and I had no more to do in the 
one than the other. This, however, did not avail 
me ; I was confined in the watchhouse all night, and 
fined heavily the next morning, which I thought 
most uncivil treatment to a man labouring so zeal- 
ously for the good of the people, and accordingly 
resolved, out of revenge, to abjure patriotism for 
ever, and leave the people to take care of them- 
selves. 


222 


ADVENTURES OF A 


Chapter IV. 

TAe Tatterdemalion* s story concluded. 

Having accordingly left the grocer, continued the 
tatterdemalion, T was again under the necessity of 
applying to my friend the barber, who soon after 
recommended me to the keeper of a livery stable. 
Whilst living with him, I met with an incident, 
which, though of no great importance, appeared to 
me so singular that I cannot forbear relating it. 
Near my new residence was an oyster cellar, which 
I sometimes visited, although I had reason to be- 
lieve the company that frequented it was none of 
the most respectable. Being here one evening 
with an acquaintance named Williams, we chanced 
to converse pretty warmly upon some subject, 
which I took but little notice of at the time; but 
the next morning a constable tapped me on the 
shoulder, with a warrant to compel me to appear 
before Mr. Justice such-a-one, and answer for hav- 
ing sworn six profane oaths. I was greatly asto- 
nished at this, for I could not recollect when, or 
where, I had so sworn; I was, nevertheless, obliged 
to accompany the constable, who led me to a con- 
temptible looking place, the windows of which were 
filled with glass jars, containing different herbs; for 
the magistrate it seems had two strings to his bow. 


TATl'ERDEMALION. 


223 


and exercised the profession of an Indian doctor, as 
well as Justice. He was seated at a desk elevated 
to some height from the floor, and surrounded by a 
kind of paling, whilst outside of this the room was 
crowded by a promiscuous rabble of black and 
white, men and women, many of whom, I observed, 
held small strips of paper in their hands. Amongst 
these I discovered my friend Williams, who inform- 
ed me he had been brought up on the same charge 
as myself. ‘‘But is it not very strange,^’ said I, 
“ to be prosecuted on such a pretence as this?’^ 

“ 0 ! not at all,” he replied, “ it is in fact the only 
kind of business done at this office. All these pros- 
titutes and vagabonds are employed by the Justice 
to attend the different oyster-cellars and ballrooms, 
where they note down the oaths that are sworn, 
and in the morning the offenders are brought here 
and fined — half the proceeds being the perquisite of 
the prosecutors, and the other half with the costs of 
suit is pocketed by the magistrate.’^ 

“ It seems to be a pretty thriving business,” said 
I, “ from the number engaged in it.” 

“So it is,” answered Williams, “the Justice is 
making a power of money, and even now talks of 
leaving oflf his old trade. As his pockets are bet- 
ter filled, his conscience begins to grow more ten- 
der, and he thinks it beneath his respectability, to 
T 2 


224 


ADVENTURES OF A 


take the necessary measures for enticing poor cre- 
dulous wretches into the use of his:drugs.’^ 

His respectability,” said I, ‘‘ is about as well 
worth preserving as a rotten egg.” But being at this 
moment called up, I paid my fines and costs as 
expeditiously as possible, in order to make my 
escape from the filth and stench of the motley mob 
that surrounded me. 

Stop here for a moment, said my father, inter- 
rupting the narrator, and answer me one question. 
Is what you have been telling me respecting your 
adventure with this justice, every particle of it 
true? 

As I am a living man, said the tatterdemalion, I 
have related nothing but the facts, nor have I added 
any colourings of my own invention. 

Then, said my father, I will take it upon me to 
have this part of your story published, as a lesson 
for all future governors and legislators. It is an 
abominable thing, that the intentions of justice and 
the laws should be so shamefully prostituted, and 
wherever the fault lies, it ought to be held up for 
the unqualified reprobation of the public. I have 
myself known several magistrates who made a traf- 
fic of their offices, and were otherwise totally unfit 
tor their stations; but that there existed such dens 
of knavery as you have just described, had never 
entered my imagination. 


TATTERDEMALION. 


225 


It is, nevertheless, true, said the tatterdemalion, 
and it has been my misfortune to fall into the hands 
of these kind of justices more than once; as you 
\vill see by the conclusion of my story, if you are 
not already tired of it. The blame is, doubtless, 
attributable to the governor, who ought not to con- 
fer his appointments upon such unsuitable persons. 

Not entirely so, said my father, for as it is unrea- 
sonable to suppose that the governor is personally 
acquainted with all the applicants for office, the 
heaviest portion of our censure should fall upon 
those who recommend such unworthy characters 
to his patronage. There . are many persons, who, 
through weakness or over good nature, will put 
their names to almost any petition, rather than 
withstand the importunities of those who apply to 
them; and yet they are willing enough to find fault 
with the governor for making an improper appoint- 
ment, though it was given on the credit of their 
own recommendation. You may now, however, 
proceed with your narrative. 

Soon after this, then, said the tatterdemalion, I 
grew tired of the city, and resolved to return to 
the country, for wdiich, indeed, I had always retain- 
ed a preference. I had saved of my earnings about 
thirty dollars, which I converted into silver, and 
sewed up in a leathern bag, being henceforth de- 
termined to carry it about my person, even at the 


226 


ADVENTURES OF A 


risk of thieves and pickpockets. I then tied up 
my clothes in a pocket handkerchief, and setting 
out early in the morning, walked nearly thirty 
miles before night-fall. Sleeping at a tavern, I re- 
sumed my journey at a brisk pace the next day, 
hoping before the close of it to reach the place of 
my destination. After proceeding about seven 
miles I was joined by a man also on foot, who had 
came thus far by a different road; and, as we were 
travelling in the same direction, we naturally en- 
tered into conversation, and pursued our journey 
together. He was a stout, well built fellow, about 
my own age, dressed decently, and carrying a large 
wallet strapped over his shoulders. He informed 
me that he was a sailor, and was then going to see 
his family, which resided some distance up the 
country, after an absence of several years. He also 
related to me many anecdotes of his exploits and 
travels in foreign countries, in which I was so much 
interested that the time flew along rapidly, and I 
was delighted with my companion. I could not 
help observing, however, that he frequently cast 
his eye over his shoulders to look back upon the 
road, and, sometimes, when the sound of wheels or 
of horses came upon us unexpectedly, he started 
with rather more apprehension than seemed likely 
to be created by the fear of being run over. At 
last seeing, probably, some traces of suspicion in 


TATTERDEMALION. 


22r 


my countenance, he informed me that he had de- 
serted from his ship, and was very much afraid of 
being pursued. This was perfectly satisfactory; I 
did not consider it my duty to apprehend deserters, 
and we went on as before. 

Coming about noon to a piece of woods that of- 
fered a convenient shade, the stranger proposed to 
halt, and unstrapping his wallet, he took from it 
some bread and cheese, which he invited me to 
share. Whilst thus engaged we continued talking 
upon various matters, when at length my compa- 
nion suddenly started up, and telling me he was 
obliged to go into the woods upon some urgent oc- 
casion, pushed his wallet towards me, and desired 
that I would take charge of it until he returned. 
He had scarcely disappeared, when several persons 
rode up at a rapid pace, and instantly dismounting, 
one of them placed his foot upon the wallet, and 
asked me what it contained. Thinking that these 
were the persons in pursuit of the deserter, and 
wishing to protect his property, I answered rather 
sharply that it held my clothing; when, without 
any ceremony, they proceeded to open it, and, to 
my utter astonishment, took out a number of pieces 
of silk, and several other valuable articles. Imme- 
diately, upon observing this, the whole party set 
up a shout, and, laying hold of me, commenced ri- 
fling my clothes with such dexterity that Mr. Jones’ 


228 


ADVENTURES OF A 


pickpockets could not have exceeded them for their 
lives. Coming, at last, to the leathern bag which 
contained my dollars, they set up another shout, 
and then tying my hands behind my back, placed 
me on a horse before one of the stoutest of the 
party, and rode off briskly by the same road they 
had come. 

During all this violence, they did not deign even 
to listen to the threats and expostulations I con- 
tinued to utter, nor did I fully learn the cause of it 

until we arrived at the village of C , some ten 

or fifteen miles distant. Here, followed by a mob 
of boys, whooping and hallooing at our heels, I was 
conducted to the shop of a saddler, who exercised 
the office of Judge and Justice. His appearance 
put me very much in mind oDthe Indian doc- 
tor, and I did not feel much encouragement from 
my cause being subjected to his judgment. Laying 
aside his leather apron, as we entered, he assumed 
a large elbow chair, and having read the warrant 
which w-as presented to him by one of my conduct- 
ors, condescended to inform me, in answer to my^re- 
peated inquiries, that I was apprehended for feloni- 
ously breaking into the store of Mr. Abraham 
Needletoes, and taking therefrom divers articles of 
goods 

“One piece of worked lace, three pieces sattinet’’ 
— began Mr. Needletoes, who was present. 


TATTERDEMALION. 


229 


‘^Have patience, my good friend,’’ interrupted 
the Justice, and resumed reading — ^‘^and taking 
therefrom divers articles of goods, and seventy 
dollars in gold and silver.” 

At this accusation I could not help looking blank, 
for I knew that appearances were against me: how- 
ever, I related as well as I could, the circumstances 
under which I became possessed of the property. 
When I began, the magistrate stared, but, without 
further notice, proceeded to count the dollars they 
had taken from me, and then very coolly asked 
what I had done with the rest. All my protesta- 
tions were of no avail; they all cried out that I had 
secreted the remaining forty dollars, and at last, the 
Justice, finding that nothing more was to be gained, 
proceeded to make out the necessary orders for 
committing me to prison. 

At this moment I bethought me of inquiring at 
what time the alleged robbery was committed, 
and being informed that it was the last night, I as- 
sured the Judge 1 was then at a tavern ten miles 
distant, which I could prove. 

“That, my friend,” said he, would be proving 
a ‘ libel,’ which you can do when you are brought 
before the court for trial; but now, as there is no 
doubt of your guilt, we must have you to the jail 
without further procrastination.” 

‘‘To be sure we must,” said the constable, “the 


230 


ADVENTURES OF A 


stone jug is the only safe place for such rascals, and 
with your honour’s permission, I will tie his hands 
and feet together, and have hipa. off directly.” 

<^Do so, Mr. Huggins,” said the Justice, ^‘and 
you may put my horse in the wagon, alongside of 
yours, and the county must pay for both, for I dare 
say the fellow is 'a most blood-thirsty, daring vil- 
lain, and it will be best to take three of the men 
along with you for security.” 

Accordingly, the wagon was prepared, and, un- 
der charge of the constable and his three assistants, 
I was hurried off to the county jail, and there left 
to meditate upon this unfortunate occurrence at my 
own leisure. The transition, in fact, was so sud- 
den, from a state of liberty and innocence to that 
of a prisoner and suspected felon, that I could 
scarcely persuade myself of its reality; so that when 
I was rudely shoved through the grating into the 
common hall of the jail, I continued standing by 
the door without any distinct conception of what 
was passing around me. I soon came to my recol- 
lection, however, and seating myself upon the floor, 
began to lament the strange and unaccountable fa- 
tality, by which the punishment of every one’s 
roguery seemed to light upon my shoulders. I 
knew enough of the law to be aware, that even with 
a more acute judge than the saddler, I should find 
it extremely difficult to prove my innocence, espe- 


TATTERDEMALION. 


231 


cially as I had been guilty of such an egregious 
piece of folly, as that of claiming the villain’s goods 
for my own. The only satisfaction I could find, 
was in cursing the pretended sailor, who had so 
tickled my ears with his marvellous adventures, 
his family that lived up the country, and his deser- 
tion, all which I now fully believed to be a set of 
lies from one end to the other. I promise you the 
Judge also came in for his share of my good wishes; 
an excellent consolation it is, truly, said I to myself, 
that a man may be allowed to prove his innocence 
after the punishment has been inflicted, or that after 
I have been penned up in this place for two or three 
months, I may be allowed to come out and clear 
myself if I can. I believe 1 even pronounced these 
words, or some of them, aloud, for at this moment 
one of my fellow prisoners, a rough, shaggy look- 
ing fellow, came up, and said to me, “ You are right, 
comrade, justice is a surly, inconsiderate wench, to 
make the best of her, but if every rogue had his 
desert, and every honest man his due, you and I 
would probably be on the bench, and some other 
people at the bar.” 

<‘What! my friend,” said I, ‘‘have you, too 
been sent here unjustly, by some ignorant saddler?” 

“Why, no, not exactly by a saddler,” said he, 
“ though in that, I must confess, our cases are very 
similar; 1 was sent here for riding on a sadd’e; — 
u 


232 


ADVENTURES OF A 


and, as to the justice of it, you may judge for your- 
self.^’ 

“ For riding upon a saddle?” cried I, in astonish- 
ment. 

“For nothing else under heaven!” answered my 
fellow prisoner. 

“But are there many confined here upon such 
slight pretences?” said I. 

“0! for that matter,” said my informer^ “you 
may take it upon your salvation, that one-half the 
good company here are quite as innocent as you or 
I am. There is Dick Simpson, who was put in 
merely for signing his name to a piece of paper in 
the wrong place; Sam Kelter for engraving the 
figure ten instead of one; and many others for of- 
fences equally trivial.” 

I now began to perceive the drift of this honest 
man’s argument, and though such jokes were but 
sorry specimens of wit, they served to break up 
my own uncomfortable meditations, and I encou- 
raged him to proceed. He accordingly went on 
to entertain me with the characters and history of 
his companions in captivity, and from his account 
F might have concluded that I had got amongst a 
set of the most honest and agreeable fellows in the 
world. He also assured me for my comfort, that a 
residence in prison was far from subject to so many 
inconveniences as people generally imagined. 


TATTERDEMALION. 


233 


was true, he said, the inhabitants were somewhat 
circumscribed in their movements, but then they 
had always good society, and by a proper manage- 
ment of their resources indoors and out, they were 
commonly pretty well supplied with food and li- 
quor. “Indeed our occupations here,’^ he con- 
tinued, “as in all other places, consist chiefly in 
manoeuvering to get those two indispensable arti- 
cles, particularly the latter.’^ 

In this manner he ran on for a long time, giving 
me a great deal of information, which I do not now 
recollect, nor is it of much consequence that I 
should; but, in spite of his assurances, I soon found 
my new residence monotonous and uncomfortable 
enough. During the day we had the freedom of 
the hall and yard, but at night we were all locked 
up in separate cells. As to our resources, so much 
boasted of by the gentleman before mentioned, 
they consisted chiefly in the scanty charity of those 
who happened to pass under our street windows, 
from whence a stocking foot w'as generally sus- 
pended by a string, and in the revenue we derived, 
from the jail yard, which happened to be the town 
ball-alley. Most of those who came to play left a 
trifle with one of the prisoners who kept the tally, 
and this being considered common stock, was ap- 
plied to the purchase of whiskey. This article was 
smuggled in by an old woman, who supplied us 


234 


ADVENTURES OF A 


with bread and other necessaries; and so great an 
adept was she at this business, that even we were 
ourselves often at a loss to find the leather bottle 
that contained it* Sometimes it was artfully con- 
cealed in the interior of a loaf of bread, at others 
in a pie, and in a variety of curious disguises, from 
which it seemed our procuress took a pride in ex- 
hibiting her dexterity. Other articles were pro- 
cured in the same manner whenever we could raise 
money to buy them. 

All these means of excitement, however, were 
insufficient to prevent me from desponding a great 
deal, and at length I became extremely ill. The 
jailor, who still preserved some touches of humanity, 
notwithstanding his profession, went after a physi- 
cian, and not finding the one who usually attended, 
brought two others in his stead. These gentlemen 
felt my pulse, and one of them was of opinion that 
it was oppressed, but the other insisted strenuously 
that it was depressed; and not being able to agree 
upon this point, they sat down upon the foot of my 
pallet, and argued the matter for at least two hours, 
before proceeding to any further examination. 
Finding, however, by accident, that both proposed 
to use the same remedy, they terminated the dis- 
pute, and left me some medicine, which I believe 
was really of service. 

At last my long expected trial came on; and the 


1 


TATTERDEMALION. 235 

only thing that prevented me from being con- 
victed, was the circumstance of the landlord’s mare 
happening to foal, the night I stopped at the inn; 
for one of the hostlers recollecting me, was enabled 
to ascertain the time by the age of the colt. In 
this manner I proved my ‘Mibel,” as the justice 
called it, and was acquitted; but when I came to 
inquire after my money, I was told by counsel, (a 
young man whom the court had appointed to de- 
fend my cause,) that three-fourths of it had gone to 
pay my jail expenses, and that the other fourth 
had been delivered over to the shopkeeper; which 
might be recovered by a suit at law; but in consi- 
deration that I was not now worth a copper, he 
recommended me to go about my business and say 
nothing about it. Consequently, I was three days 
ago turned off from the hands of justice, pretty 
much in the same pickle you now see me. I have 
since attempted to procure work in several places, 
but for my misfortune, I have so many marks of 
her fingers sticking about me, that no one would 
harbour or give me the least employment. A crust 
of bread, which I procured from an old woman 
who inhabits a cottage by the road-side, and who 
has more of compassion than scrupulous nicety in 
her disposition, was almost the only food I have 
tasted since leaving my prison, until I arrived at 
this house. 


236 


ADVENTURES OF A 


Here the poor fellow concluded his story, which, 
as he had before said, was none of the shortest; but 
though he had been treated so scurvily in his differ- 
ent adventures, it was evident enough he took a 
kind of pride in relating them, and even seemed 
to think his own history preferable to that of any 
other story-teller since the days of Archie Sandle- 
wood. 

As to my father, it filled his head so full of poli- 
tics, that he thought of nothing else for a fortnight; 
and in that time he invented an entire new code of 
laws, to be administered without the aid of justices 
of the peace. A copy of this document he sent to 
a member of the Assembly from our county, but 
what use that gentleman made of it I have never 
been able to ascertain. 

In the meanwhile John Dennis, whom Jenny 
Jobson, with the assistance of the old clothes bag, 
had metamorphosed into a very decent looking 
serving man, ploughed and planted the turnip patch ; 
so that when my father found himself at leisure to 
look at it, they were all up and growing. He 
never asked whether John had used the new plough 
or not, but took that matter for granted. 

The devil, who, as Sancho says, wants to have 
a finger in every pie; — by the by, this puts me in 
mind of a story which the critics shall have the 
picking of some day or other; but, as I said before. 


TATTERDEMALION. 


2S7 


or rather as Sancho Panza said for me, the devil, 
who wants to have his finger in every pie, must 
certainly have sent this honest John Dennis to med- 
dle in the afiairs of my father’s household for the 
express purpose of creating confusion. Though 
his disposition was naturally good enough, he had 
a kind of maggot in his brain, that was always urging 
him into some scrape or other; and, to tell the truth 
of him, the fellow had not gone about the world 
with his eyes shut. He had seen and learned a 
variety of matters — the worst of it was, he had 
learned rather too much. 

But here, gentle reader! a very good monitor, 
whi^h is modesty, whispers in my ear that I may 
have already trespassed too long upon thy patience; 
and though I have a great reluctance to part with 
good friends, I fear I must make the sacrifice, or 
run the risk of wearing out my welcome. I there- 
fore bid thee for the present a hearty farewell, sin- 
cerely wishing that thou mayest enjoy many days, 
full of prosperity, and nights of pleasant dreams. 
If these old fashioned chronicles contribute any 
thing towards the amusement of thy leisure hours, 
the highest wish of the author will be gratified, 
and he will probably find leisure for their continua- 
tion at no very distant period. 

But old men are fond of prattling over the times 
of their childhood, and in the indulgence of this 


238 


ADVENTURES OF A TATTERDEMALION. 


natural propensity, I may have nourished hopes 
which a censorious world will not be so well dis- 
posed to gratify. In this case, however, I shall 
only throw by my pen, and leave the world to her 
own wilfulness. For my remaining tales, I shall 
always find hearers enough amongst the rising ge- 
nerations of Turkey town, where, in truth, there is 
a fine collection of merry little rascals, who are al- 
ways ready to listen to the history of their grand- 
father. 


END OP FIRST SERIES. 












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